ME

Centre your story around a character who has lost their ability to create, write or remember

This is a true story, but please do not think of it as one worthy of sympathy, I would see many other people who were worse off than me in hospital, and many people are not here today, which sadly includes my brother. “So, this is only a true part of my life”!

“God Bless my brother, and to those who are not with you now”!

ME

“Laura”…… “Laura”………… “Laura”………. I desperately cried out, and with a descending volume in my voice, I thought that that was ‘kmy lot’, and it was ‘time to meet my maker’, and that the feeling of death was going to be my final experience!

My Fiancée(‘Laura’) was unusually still at home, because she would normally have left for work ‘by now’, and her audible presence, was very thankfully, and clearly heard, because she was watching, and listening to a music video, but the volume was quite high, which unfortunately lowered the chances of me being heard, and in a final and desperate hope of her hearing my weakening voice, I would call out again……. . “Laura”…….., but I would have no immediate response, and I feared that my last effort was in vain, and I rested my head, in discomfort and pain(“because my head was wedged between the side of the bath, and the wall in the corner of our small bathroom”) and with my head against the bath side, I lay almost ‘face-down’ on the bathroom carpet, and I was just waiting to die! ….,…………..………………………………………………………………………………………………... “but, Laura had heard my last, and my final weakening shout, during a brief pause in her music video, and she quickly came to my rescue, and ‘I guess’, she didn’t expect to see my collapsed, and semi-naked body laying flat, and motionless on the floor, but my legs were blocking the door, and she couldn’t enter the bathroom to examine me closely, but she had seen enough to immediately call for an ambulance………….but, her immediate upset would now include angered annoyance and frustration, because she was told that without a Doctor examining me first, then an ambulance would not be issued!

This frustrating, and very annoying delay, would be lightened very slightly, when she immediately got through to the Doctor, and because he was in his surgery particularly early on that morning, he could attend immediately, and he was at my side within ten minutes! He only took a few minutes to examine me, to correctly diagnose that I had suffered a brain haemorrhage, and he then called for an urgent response, and attendance, from an ambulance!

The time of the day was in my favour, because on this New Year’s Eve early morning, the availability for an ambulance to respond was very quick, and soon after the ambulance men’s entry into our bungalow, they would soon be leaving with me on a trolley/bed, but our exit out of our small bungalow would add extra time to this journey and after our difficult exit, and getting back outside, from our recently purchased, new home, would be the difficult!

The Winter temperature could be said in words, rather than numbers, because it was certainly very fresh, ‘brass monkeys’ would search for a blanket! Going outside into the frosty air, on this winter’s morning would be about as welcoming as a ‘slap in the face with a wet kipper’! My body was wrapped up tightly in a few blankets, but my face was the same colour of the grey sky; “Would we have snow this Winter”? “Would I see it if we did”? “Did I really care”?

The morning’s dramatic proceedings, from the initial phone call(s), and then getting outside, and into the ambulance, was completed within forty-fifty minutes, and then we rushed, unhindered, through the mornings ‘light-traffic’ to get to the hospital where my diagnosis would urgently require the use of the Air Ambulance, because I very urgently required advanced medical attention, and I would receive this in a larger hospital, which was in our nearest big City, and where two brain specialists from Canada were, very fortunately attending, because they were on a ‘job exchange’(“they attended this hospital to share, and to teach, their advanced medical knowledge, and techniques, whilst two of ‘our’ brain surgeons went over to Canada, to learn further about these advances and techniques, with regards to brain surgery/injuries, and to operate on brain injuries also”?) but I would never see ‘these guys’’/“my heroes”, because at the initial hospital, I was eventually and carefully placed into the air ambulance, but my very drowsy condition would not be refreshed by the very sudden blast of cold air, or the downforce of this fresh air from the rotor blades, and it would make keeping my eyes open quite impossible to achieve, but I really tried hard to avoid this situation, but failure to do so would result with complete darkness, and then my eyes finally closed…………….. “would they open again”?

“I had been in a coma for six weeks, after being successfully operated on”!

Three and a half months later we had Easter time, and soon after the beginning of that month my eyesight would return, and when it did return it would feel like it was a time of resurrection, a new life, magical because of where I had been, and who I had seen, and it was also the time when chocolate Easter eggs were the favoured ‘gift of choice’ from my visitors, but I couldn’t eat them at that precise time, due to the fact that I had had a tracheostomy(‘an incision made in the throat to allow a breathing tube, that’s attached to a ventilator, to be inserted into my throat, to assist my breathing’) and so I couldn’t swallow any solid, and my ‘food’, which was now highly calorific injections, which were being ‘pumped’ into my body on a 3-time daily basis, and along with my bedridden and non-active state, my weight became a concern, because within 5 months I had put on - ‘just under’, three stone!

My sudden, and mild obesity was caused, ironically, by a denial of solid food, and it was the fault of those injections, and they had been jlasted for over 4 months, and because I had a tracheotomy/breathing tube in my throat, highly calorific drugs were being pumped into my weak and underweight body, but they were ‘no longer’ required anymore, and along with the ‘all-clear’ to eat solid food again, it was like a chef blowing a starting whistle, after saying “you may start to ‘fill your face’ with as much food as possible now”, and my previously slim, but underweight body, would soon become rotund and ‘fleshier’, and I quickly put on about 3 stone! “I’m not saying that I was a pig, but instead of a plate they gave me a trough”!

This very sudden weight gain, would change my appearance and wardrobe, because I took a size 34 but and the sudden need to be put onto a diet, would not be helped by the location of the ward, or my bedridden condition, because it was directly above the hospital’s kitchen, and I was in the end bed, that was by the double-doors, and the aroma from the kitchen below would be in ‘stereo version’, because the nurses insisted upon the windows being opened every morning, and the aroma of the food cooking in the kitchen below, would very clearly be smelt(“especially the chips”!) and it would be torturous during the day, because I would also smell the food cooking from the kitchen below, when it was being delivered to this ward, and it would really test 'your ‘willpower’, because I had to lose 2 and a half stone asap(‘as soon as possible’), and it was ‘yet another’ target that I had to achieve?

‘WILL POWER’, and resisting temptation, were required here, and I had to get used to saying ‘NO’, when I was asked “do you want a chocolate cake”, or “would you like some chips”!

Anyway, I went on a very strict diet, when my ‘Will-power’ was really tested, and I lost ‘just over’ two stone in weight, but the rapid speed ‘in which’ I lost this weight, would leave a temporary scarring, which is usually associated with pregnant women, just after they had given birth, and I would experience ‘stretch marks ‘, which were about as fashionable as a suit made out of sick!

My memory would never be the same, but ‘nature would take its course’, and it would gradually be restored, and I returned to ‘this current lifetime’, and thankfully my mumbling could not be recognised or understood, because I might have been thought of as being mad, if I declared the visions seen from a previous lifetime, which I believe may have influenced or aided/helped to make decisions in this lifetime, and have influenced your desires and preferences?

It was like I had had my brain switched off, and then ‘rebooted’, and I had to learn ‘everything again’ like I was a baby growing up!

I was previously very imaginative, skilled, intelligent and agile- “but within a second I would lose all of those abilities”!

I was blind, I was deaf, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t read and I couldn’t even hold a pen, ‘let alone’ write!

I was previously, a graphic designer, an illustrator and I was currently employed as a jewellery designer and skilled producer of jewellery, that was made from different grades of gold, but no longer, and my drawings weren’t worthy of a place on the ‘fridge door’!

I was then introduced to physiotherapy, occupationalřs therapy, speech therapy and mental health therapy, which helped to digest the loss of the abilities that I once had! (“some of us don’t appreciate what we have, until it’s gone”!)

The return of my eyesight was the most glorious day that I have ever experienced! Its spectacular return was not perfect though, but I didn’t care, because I could see again!

The whites of my eyes were now speckled with blood, my vision was limited to about 20 feet, and most confusing of all, was the fact that I now had, permanent double vision, and one image would appear higher than in the other, which was very confusing, and frustrating when I was trying to lift, and then put down, hot drinks, and when the words ‘hot groin’ would have no sexual connection!

A grown(“or growing”!) man shouldn’t cry should he? But I did!

I had lost a lot, but I was still alive against all probability, and it’s during these depressing, lonely and disabling times when you really get to know yourself!

I could just lay here in bed all day, and feel sorry for myself, OR I could get out of bed, and attempt to positively alter the situation!

There were a l ot of “I can’t’s”, but not enough “I’ll have a go”, OR “I’ll try and amend this bad situation”, but when I still remained bedridden, I would be inspired by the ‘older generation’, who had mostly suffered with strokes, and they did not give up, and they showed that ‘fighting spirit’, that still remained from the Second World War years! The older generation, were very inspiring, because if they could progress, then so can this younger man- “can’t he”?

Anyway, I had a lot of rebuilding to do, both physically and mentally, and it would preferably happen within this hospital(“because I had already been in another one, but I don’t remember it, because I was in a coma, and then I travelled ‘back down’ into Cornwall, by road ambulance”!) where I would receive daily physiotherapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy and hydrotherapy, and with all these facilities, along with other opportunities, and I really really tried very hard to succeed, but it was mostly in vain, with regard to walking again, because the other therapies were quite successful, and I could eventually wash and dress myself!

Losing, ‘not only’ my physical and creative abilities was devastating, and it would be cruelly, and embarrassingly shown in my, ‘once professional’, artistic and creative Graphic Design ability, along with my current occupation as a jewellery designer and maker, which were created in gold”, because I couldn’t even hold a pen or a pencil, and my shaky hands would go nowhere near jewellery!

My creative abilities had deserted me, and my position at work had to go to another, and I had gained a new emotion, that had a name called ‘Depression’! Depression could be soothed ,‘temporarily’, with alcohol! This temporary soothing liquid, would have a painful ‘after effect’ though, which has the basic medical name of would result with a really painful hangover, or ‘horribilious sickeous’, and it would not be a recommendable cure, and it was only tried the once, because the problems still remained, but now I had the addition of feeling uncomfortably sick to add to them!

It would be years before I could physically hold a pencil, felt pen or a paint brush again, and what I could produce was only worthy to have a temporary place on the fridge door, with many visitors saying “whose child did that”?

Trying to regain those creative abilities, and to resurrect some originality, would be difficult, very difficult, and being in hospital for almost a year, would leave me feeling ‘out of date’, with regards to a Graphic Design career; I understand now though that graphic design is mostly completed on computer now? My memory, with regards to remembering instructions, along with my physical abilities were not very good, and thoughts of having a career would not be possible, or practical; Now though, in this era, the opportunities are wider and greater, because you don’t have to drive into work, or have to worry about physically getting into work, with regards to steps, and other obstacles ‘such as’ disabled toilets! My new life would be mostly indoors, and my attempts to drive again would be negative! I had poor eyesight with permanent double vision, and to make matters worse they were on different levels, and I couldn’t see or read the road signs until they were about twenty feet away, which would mean a desperate and hopefully successful ‘emergency stop’- “especially if the road sign indicated that there was a cliff ahead, or that a bridge was closed ahead”!

The driving did get beyond the car park, and I had a few lessons on the public highway, but even with hand controls, my driving capability would question my suicidal thoughts! The final, and ‘yet another’ disappointing occasion would be the ‘handing-back’ of my newly, and expensively acquired, Driving Licence, and that was another devastating blow! So, I was housebound and my options were not good, and I would not succumb to watching ‘daytime television’, but I had newly purchased a brand new computer, which in Cornwall, in the year of 1993 was a very expensive purchase, and it was a lot to pay for what I used it for- ‘typing letters, and playing games’! The progress of computers was astonishing, and my expensive computer depreciated, by more than half of its original purchase price within months!

Holding a pen, and a pencil would be manageable now, but using a pen to write would not permit eligibility, and the concentration required, would make writing a letter a long and tiring task, and technical assistance would definitely be appreciated, so, with the addition of a printer, I could now write letters, but I would struggle to write any exciting news!

“I was once a creative person, but now I’m not sure,

I can read and write now, but I struggle to draw”!

“I can’t really sing, but I’ll give it a go,

but my wife spoils my fun by saying “please No”!

“I could do so many things, and I took them for granted,

but some seeds of hope were definitely planted”!

“We’ll come again, ‘trust me’ I’m sure,

and let’s hope the World is better than before”?