To Claudia

To Claudia,

I'm happy to hear that your daughter is doing well. It's nice to see how devoted you are to her education and interests. As for the pictures you sent, she looks beautiful, radiant, and completely at ease with that guitar in her hands. I suppose that's one of the better qualities she inherited from her father. I'm amazed at how fast she's grown. When you told me she would be getting her driver's permit this year, I could hardly believe it! It seems like only yesterday I held her in my arms, humming her to sleep when you were too tired to stand.

You know how much I adore her.

I fondly remember taking care of her during her first few years of life. I warmed her bottles, changed her diaper, and looked after her in the afternoons while you got home from work. It's a shame she became such a daddy's girl though. If it weren't for the history between your ex-husband and me, I'm sure she would have liked to stay in touch after I moved away. I know I am twelve years her senior but I truly feel like we could have been as close as sisters.

I'm glad your son is doing better in school and that his ADHD meds have improved his grades. Even though he lacks his sister's natural talent, his enthusiasm for the trombone is admirable. I do not mean to be unkind, but I struggle to feel the same affection toward him. He resembles his father so strongly that I feel repulsed just looking at him, and his impulsiveness mirrors his father's actions in ways that make me shudder. Poor thing, he cannot be blamed for his genetics.

Overall, they've turned out remarkably well considering their poor upbringing. Had you chosen a more responsible spouse and been more emotionally involved in their upbringing instead of throwing ipads at them so you could have a moment's peace, they might not have been so quick to accept their father's depiction of you as the villain who ruined their perfect family, the unsupportive witch who caused their father's entrepreneurial whimsies to end in failure.

His failure to admit that his reckless spending and poorly structured plans were the true source of your financial ruin and crumbling marriage is unsurprising. Attempting to set up a fast food business without a proper plan and investing thousands in equipment that was never even used is only one example among many. He took advantage of their innocence and your poor parenting to paint you as the bad guy. You did all the hard work, while he disappeared for months on end. Then, he would show up unannounced, not to stay, not to help, but to take them out on a day of endless fun before dropping them off, leaving you to enforce rules, structure, and discipline.

It really is a bothersome topic, one which I would very much like to leave behind. I have made peace with the past, or at least with the certainty that I'll never receive an apology, nor even an acknowledgement from either of you for the pain you both caused me. I hardly blame your ex husband anymore. His behavior was to be expected.

It was you who allowed it to continue unchecked, and you who now confide in me to tell me about your divorce, the difficulties of being a single mother, and how amazing life is being free of that monster. The relief in your voice is palpable as you describe how your seemingly perfect marriage collapsed once you realized you no longer wished to put up with his violent ways. All of this you drone on and on about in phone calls which I do my best to avoid but sometimes put up with for the sake of our filial bond.

You speak endlessly, waiting for my sympathetic replies as I dutifully play my part. Of course I understand how monstrous he can be, and you know it. Have you forgotten how your ex-husband threatened to kill my father when my presence in your lives became bothersome? Only after your verbal vomit has died down do you deign to ask about me. Even then, you listen distractedly, running errands, dropping kids off at afterschool activities, buying groceries. I give you surface level-details of my life, unwilling to give you information that requires a level of intimacy we do not have.

I still remember Christmas four years ago when you visited my grandparents. You watched as my grandmother and I embraced in a way that made you envious of our close relationship. You asked her what you needed to do to receive a hug like that.

"You have to earn it", she said.

I did have a moment of weakness once. I decided to confide in you about my relationship, and the wonderful man who cherishes me and treats me like a goddess. A princess finally, after once being your Cinderella. Your demand that we come visit you in Maine next summer so that you may judge whether he is worthy of me, is something I am inclined to refuse. Your hospitality is unwanted. Who are you to determine who is worthy of being my husband when you failed so profoundly in choosing one for yourself?

There was a time when I searched for something maternal in you, however, I'm older and wiser now. I don't need a mother anymore.

Indeed, you seem to have entered a phase in which you believe me to be your confidante, sweeping your wrongdoings under the rug, speaking as though forgiveness has already been granted, or perhaps as though no harm was ever done. Now that I am in a loving relationship with someone who truly sees me, even the jagged edges you helped create, I have realized that love is not earned through suffering nor guaranteed by blood. It is something offered deliberately, not owed.

I am not your best friend, mother. Go tell your troubles to someone who actually cares.

No longer yours,

Val