Lost

The ocean stretched before me, its expanse weighing heavy on me. The splashing waves met the grey sky, and my breath caught in my chest as the doctor’s words echoed in my head.

“Due to your Ménière's Disease, you have five months until you lose your hearing entirely…”

Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I ran across the sand, straining to hear the waves crashing against the shore. Sobs escaped my mouth, and I fell to my knees, digging my hands into the sand. I screamed, my mind racing to different things. I had no idea how painful it would be. Would I end up screaming in pain because my ears were trying to kill themselves?

The sea sat before me, mocking me with its waves. How was I supposed to truly enjoy my life if I knew my life was slowly being taken away day by day? I was being stripped of a life that I had worked for years on end. Music had been my life since I was young, and I didn’t understand how I was supposed to continue my dream if I couldn’t hear it anymore. I swiped at the tears rolling down my cheeks, my hope lost. There was no future awaiting me after I graduated. Everything I had spent, years trying to make my dreams a reality, down the drain with a few simple words.

My arms wrapped around myself, and I screamed again, my voice raw. The life I had spent years creating, gone with a single appointment. A perfect boyfriend, a successful music career, a life that I was supposed to be living, not feeling like I have to ask permission to exist. I would need an interpreter at every event, and I felt so stupid for this being the thing that finally breaks me. I had proved myself so many times, shown myself that I couldn’t give up, but the one time I get news, I break.

I forced myself off my knees, wiping my face until there was barely any way to distinguish sand from tears. I needed to escape, to get out of here before I broke completely, leaving someone else to pick up my pieces.

My mind pulled me forward, and before I knew it, I dove into the ocean. The water was freezing cold, but it was a welcome distraction compared to what was slowly killing me. I swam down, searching for answers that didn’t exist. But as I went deeper, my mind took me back to when I used to swim competitively. It was a way to distract myself from the hardship that always found its way back to me.

I wasn’t sure exactly what I was doing, but as the blue water became colder and colder, something happened. In a moment, I had been fighting for breath, wondering how much longer I would have to wait for air. It had been pathetic, feeling so small and useless within such a vast and wide sea. But the next moment, my lungs opened in a way I had never felt before. I coughed, confused and overwhelmed by the amount of things that were attacking my mind. But as I panickedly sucked in water, I didn’t feel like I was sinking.

Instead, I felt light and heavy, the two feelings intertwining together to create something that made me feel like I could take on anything. I marveled at my own body, wondering how this worked. I touched my face, surprised by the ridges that appeared. It hit me all at once—I had gills. It confounded me how animals could live with such odd impairments, but it secretly gave me hope. I continued to swim, trying to distract myself from the thoughts that were swirling around my head. I approached a small coral reef, its color sad and deteriorating. I was waiting for a beautiful fish to come out, maybe say hi, but instead something unexpected flew out of the coral.

Out came these little colorful balls, swarming around me until I could see nothing else but a solid wall of color. I looked a bit harder, and I saw small humanoid faces, covered in scales, glancing up at me. I gasped in surprise, whispering, “Mermaid?” My voice was muffled, and I had no idea if it was just the water, or my failing ears as well. They nodded. I held up my hands, trying to show them that I wanted to do no harm. One swam up to me, its purple tail propelling it forward. I smiled, taking it gently in my hands. It beamed up at me, and it began talking to me in a quiet language I didn’t understand. I nodded along, saying gibberish enthusiastically.

The swarm backed away slowly, and after I finished talking with this purple creature, I put it back and continued to swim. The coral in front of me looked so dead compared to the pictures I had been shown. Almost like it was slowly being killed. I searched for more of these little creatures, finding similar species that present in different ways. They were like little colonies, and I wondered if they had odd social dynamics. It was crazy, stumbling into a real life mermaid. They had been much smaller than I imagined, and I wonder how the fake ones had strayed so far from the original. I had discovered another world down here, but it had been so damaged by the pleasure that I and everyone around me engaged in.

I swam back to the surface, a desolate person with no purpose. I breathed freely, and the idea hit me all at once.

What if I help save these beautiful reefs?

I wanted to protect those little creatures, whatever it took. Music had been stripped away, lost in the sad thing called life. This was something I could be passionate about, something that I would need to work for.

For the first time in forever, I had finally found purpose.

I raced out of the waves, my face breaking through them as smooth as possible. My clothes were soaked in water, but I dismissed that. I could clean up the cottage later, when my life wasn’t at such a turning point.

I rushed to the bathroom, turning on the shower and letting the rain cascade down my back, my head, and anything that it could reach, I scrubbed so hard my fingers were numb, but I knew that the sea never leaves. I ran into the kitchen, my body itchy for coffee.

I ran my hands over my face again, surprised that my gills had disappeared easily. I stared out the window, listening to the waves quietly hit the shore. Maybe this wouldn’t kill me. For the first time in my life, hearing didn’t feel like something I had to overcome—it felt like a part of me.