Tai Chi Wonder Woman

She's on my laptop screen performing a Tai Chi routine, gracefully swaying back and forth like a swan performing an origami dance. Everything about her entrances me; her hands, her hair, her ruby red lips. The shot of dopamine she gives whenever she turns to the camera to give a subtle smile.

She calls herself Tai Chi Wonder Woman. And it does, indeed, look like she is moving like Wonder Woman in slow motion, limbering up for a stealth attack.

One evening out of the blue she messages Happy Birthday! My heart soars like a balloon...except it's not my birthday.

Whoops! she replies, bashful emoji. Just want to say how much I adore your music! Food for the soul! xx

My social media account @timothy_maestro is dedicated to my piano playing. I get messages from lots of followers, but this one hits the most. I re-read her message several times, heart bouncing in my chest. Thank you! Glad to hear you like it.

She reacts with a heart hands emoji.

Weeks pass by. She doesn't post again. I stalk her online but can't find anything else; no YouTube, no Facebook, no TikTok. There is no digital footprint on whereabouts Tai Chi Wonder Woman could be.

***

Spring pushes through the loneliness of winter. My beautiful Tai Chi girl (the name I've affectionately given her in my head) is posting more regularly now, filling my days with sunshine and purpose.

Her movements are becoming more intricate, more sophisticated, more fluid. She's preparing for a major Tai Chi tournament. I didn't even know such a thing existed. Before I saw her videos, I thought Tai Chi was only something old people did at the park. Apparently it's a form of martial arts. In her latest routine, she balances on one foot, lowers into a squat, shifts her weight onto the other foot and rises again. Her followers post lots of comments and wish her good luck in the tournament.

On my birthday I post a video of my latest piano piece, composed of rhythms from my childhood and my own imagination.

Happy Birthday! she writes. Got it right this time, hehe. Big smiley face emoji. This is by far my favourite piece! Would it be okay if I used some of it in my upcoming competition? xx

Of course! I reply back. It’s all yours!

I agonise over what to say next, as if the wrong word might send her spiralling back to the void.

Finally: I think your hair looks nice.

I see three dots jiggling, disappearing, then dancing again like lotto numbers. You're so sweet and thank you! :-) Have a lovely birthday!

It's morning on her side of the world. For me, it's close to midnight. I close my laptop and start the arduous task of getting ready for bed.

Laying in the dark for interminable hours, I finally fall asleep and dream. I dream that I am unable to move, to speak, to get her to look at me and hold my hand. I wake up unable to grasp at anything. I lay in bed til midday, occupying a reality that feels banal and empty without her.

***

Her messages are becoming more detailed, thoughtful, carefully crafted, just like her Tai Chi. She shares personal things and then apologises, as if afraid of revealing too much. I allow myself to hear all the things she doesn't want to say.

I’ve been through a lot, so sorry if I sound a bit emotional. About a year ago I lost the love of my life to mental illness. He didn’t die or anything bad like that, he just decided after 10 years he didn't want to speak to me anymore. It was devastating. We had been through so much together.

Since then I've been on my own, figuring out how to find equilibrium. That place where you can wake up each morning and go to bed each night without torture. They say for healing you should focus on the present. For me, something like the sound of nature or a quiet train ride or mastering a new skill gives me a sense of wonderment and feeling very lucky and blessed to exist in this body in this moment.

There are things I feel very deeply as a woman, so just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your art.

Keep playing your music; it is healing a lot of broken hearts xx

I reply in short paragraphs:

On the point of equilibrium, I totally agree. Deeper states of being is something not everyone gets to experience. You're lucky to feel that.

Love, while perhaps the best thing at its best, is cruel and disappointing when it isn't reciprocated the way you want, or deserve it to be. So I get that.

Also, as someone who admires your videos, I do very much see your body as a gift. Clearly you've trained it to be what it is, but it's very much a thing of beauty, on multiple levels. I know you meant the point in a more abstract sense, which I get too, but the literal feeling of it is important too. I mean, I wish I could do what you do, but I’m probably rambling here…

What I really want to ask her is:

Will you go out with me?

But instead I ask:

Do you ever worry about terminal illness?

She deflects, saying she doesn't want to think about anything like that right now. Pivots by sharing a Looney Tunes cartoon that makes her laugh. It’s funny, I guess. Ends her side of the conversation by asking me:

Have you ever taken a Tai Chi class? I can give you some lessons if you like. We could meet up on Zoom…?

My heart drops.

With trembling fingers I type:

Thanks. I haven't considered it. It might be a nice thing to do. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline.

The dots begin dancing, then abruptly stops. 15 minutes later, still no reply. Something tells me her pause is to protect herself, not to hurt me; but that if she knew the truth about me she would instantly recoil and disappear from my life forever.

My heart cracks with the realisation of how foolish I have been all along.

Slowly, I pull away from my desk, wheel myself into my bedroom, shut the door and draw the curtains closed, trying to block out all the ugliness of being awkward. Alone in the dark, I try to be close to her from a safe distance by playing her favourite music on the piano.