When the devil walks in

“So?”

Larry looked at his beautiful wife, shocked by the directness and weight of the one-word question.

“Ashley, you need to watch your tone when you speak to me. You’re going through my stuff now?” he charged at her.

Ashley fixed her eyes back on the magazine she’d thrown at him just two minutes ago. She’d found it in his underwear drawer, safely hidden in a brown envelope he’d probably hoped would pass as a confidential work document. Ashley had been sifting through his things and her own. She’d been suspecting, doubting and suspecting again. Her house was falling apart but the walls were still standing. Their marriage was just two years old and what had been promised at the altar was either being paused intentionally or eaten up by imaginary locusts.

Ashley was a fighter in every sphere of her life, but this particular issue needed four hands in the ring, not two. She was livid, but concerned. Disgusted and curious. Embarrassed and heartbroken. Why wouldn’t he just speak to her about what was really going on? She wanted him to give her a plausible explanation and knew to play it cool with the questions, otherwise it would potentially worsen the situation. She had nothing to gain from ‘winning an argument with him, and everything to lose if her suspicions were true.

One thing she did know for certain, was her story would not become a continuation of the broken marriage pattern in her family.

“Larry. Why do you have a porn magazine in your underwear drawer? Hidden.”

The man was switching facial expressions like a database screen searching for a photo match in real-time. He was debating whether to brick wall the conversation entirely or break open and let his wife in on the real problem. He shuffled his hands together, keeping his eyes on the magazine cover page that sat at his feet.

Their bedroom window made a shivering sound as a response to the strong waves that beat against the rocks just meters from their glass house. Larry wished he could turn around and bolt through the window as fear accelerated his pulse by the second. There was no escaping this. He unbuttoned his white shirt sleeves at his wrists and pulled loose his blue tie. The forty-year-old man dropped himself on their neat bed and rested his hands on his lap.

“You want the truth?”

Ashley felt her heart skip a beat, but held her stern demeanor and nodded when her husband finally looked at her.

Larry shifted unnecessarily and patted the space beside him, prompting Ashley to sit. She obliged and felt her legs trembling.

He sighed and began to speak.

“I’ve been struggling with it for a few weeks now. With porn. Watching videos and reading those”, he pointed at the magazine in question.

“Browsing and indulging. I didn’t do anything with anyone. I just want that to be clear. I didn’t tell you what I’m about to tell you before because I didn’t want it bothering you. I know everyone has had expectations for this marriage to fail before I even proposed to you, babe. It just felt like letting you know was going to prove them right. You know…plant doubts in your mind about me. But I…” Larry felt dizzy and tried to manage it by resting his forehead on his palm. Ashley moved closer to him and held his free hand.

It encouraged him to go on.

“I was an addict for a while when I was younger. About eighteen or so when it started. I was an awkward kid and mostly kept to myself. Any friendships that came about wouldn’t last a semester and I started entertaining some site on my laptop whenever I got the chance. It was fun, at first. Before I knew it, it’s what kept me going. I felt confident after watching. I felt even better after self-indulging. I didn’t know how to stop and one time I almost got caught by my roommate at the time. Fortunately, I was doing it in the bathroom but I always suspected he’d heard the noises from my laptop before I could pause it. I was ashamed and started looking for help on campus, on the low.”

Ashley was crying, but she squeezed her husband’s hand and said not a word.

“I got a number on a flyer that was hanging on those big notice boards we have around campus. I called it and this pastor…a Mr. Werner spoke from the other line. I wanted out and he was easy to talk to. He helped me a lot. Prayed for me and gave me tips on how to beat the urges. I had my finals in about a month and had a lot of studying to do, so I guess that kept me grounded too”, he loosened his shoulders and squeezed Ashley’s hand then.

“I started reading the bible, focused on scriptures that spoke against sexual immorality and meditated on them. It worked. I was scared to do it again because I believed it’s what would take me to hell. I didn’t want to go to hell, so it stood as my guiding line. If I crossed it, I was doomed. Problem solved!” Larry gestured with his free hand, throwing it in the air while the ocean waves beat against the rocks still.

Ashley dropped herself to the ground and kneeled before her husband. She raised his dropped face until his eyes met hers, and held it.

When her phone rang in her pocket, she drew it out and threw it across the room, her gaze never leaving Larry’s. The man was undone and anticipating a verbal thrashing from his frustrated wife. He let the tears meet at the bottom of his chin before wiping them off on his shoulder.

“Baby, thank you for telling me the truth.”

She let that statement linger, hoping it would resonate with him. She watched his face closely and saw the tightness of his jaw loosen. She smiled slightly and placed her other hand on his cheek.

“Tell me how it came back. How did we get here? I want to help, and if I can’t we can pray and find someone who can. But I’m here. I’m right here. Talk to me.”

Larry dropped his head lower and sobbed.

“It’s so stupid. I’m embarrassed and humiliated just thinking about it”, he confessed forcibly.

“That’s okay, love. I need to know. I can’t help if I’m in the dark. Please tell me.”

Larry raised his head and met Ashley’s teary gaze.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry”, he wept as he said the words.

“I love you. I love you so much. It’s okay, you can tell me”, Ashley pleaded with him.

Larry managed to quench the sobs, and cupped his wife’s puffy face in his hands.

“You remember that grill I went to with the guys from work?”

Ashley nodded awkwardly.

“There was a conversation that came up about sex drive dropping in marriage and the need for incentives to pick it back up again. I think something Harry said triggered a memory for me and I followed the thought trail. I let it simmer for the rest of the night. I thought about us and how we hadn’t had sex in over a month and I reasoned that it’d get me going. Rekindle things for us when I got home. Only, I found you asleep already and didn’t want to wake you. I felt ashamed about it and decided not to tell you. I’m sorry.”

Larry was sobbing again, but he forced himself to carry on.

“I know I could’ve prayed. I could’ve called our counselor. I could’ve told you. I let pride and shame make me hide and it ignited the desire. Fanned it into a wild fire. I ordered the magazines online. One’s in my office. I’m sorry Ash. I slipped.”

She was still on her knees before him, and they sat in the stillness of their room, hearing the gushing of water outside.

“It’s okay. Hey. It’s okay. We’re not going to dwell on what you should’ve or could’ve done. Now I know what’s been going on with you. I thought you were planning on leaving me. With the silence and working late more frequently, I honestly thought our marriage was ending. But this…baby this we can deal with. We can fight this and end it. We will need help though, perhaps let our counselor know about it and I’ll need help on how to support you. But I’m not ashamed of you. And I’m not leaving you. Okay?”

Larry nodded and fell to his knees, embracing his wife.

“I love you. Thank you. Thank you.”

The magazine pages poked into Ashley’s right knee and she turned to look at it, gripping it with her hand. She looked at Larry.

“We’re stronger than this, and we’ll beat it.”

Larry nodded and rested his head on his wife’s shoulder.