Uninvited Guest

I woke up suddenly, a harsh odor of smoke, ash and sulfur filling my senses. The fog of sleep cleared as I came to the realization that something was on fire.

I sprang out of bed in my nightshirt and shorts, scanning the room for any signs of fire. I rushed barefoot into the hallway searching for the source of the smell. At the staircase the scent was stronger, so I hurried down the stairs. At the front entryway I stopped and inspected the first floor. No visible signs of a fire anywhere.

The kitchen, the odor was stronger from that direction. I ran into the kitchen. Nothing…. no wait, curls of smoke were coming from under the door to the pantry. I grabbed the fire extinguisher from under the sink near the stove and opened the pantry door, extinguisher in hand and ready.

I opened the pantry door and there by the second shelf on the back wall was a charred hole in the wall, the edges still smoking, small tongues of flame licking the edges. And also…..

I hit the opening with the extinguisher putting out the remaining flames. The pantry was…… a mess. Torn open boxes of cereal, snack bags and dry foods. Cheerios, chips and macaroni all over the place. It looked like an animal had rooted through the pantry devouring everything in sight.

Had I seen it. When I opened the pantry, I thought I saw something….. eyes. Glowing red eyes in the charred hole, or was that my imagination. I started picking up the spilled boxes when a scratching and skittering noise in the wall startled me.

There was… an animal in my wall, and it had chewed a hole into the pantry and probably wires in the wall starting the fire. This was serious. I needed to call someone…. animal control, an exterminator, someone.

The next morning a truck pulled up, ‘Vermin Farewell’ written on it’s side, a picture of a squirrel and raccoon with their little paws in the air being marched away by a bearded man with a shotgun. The driver got out of the vehicle, walking up to the front of the house surveying it.

“Quite a place you got here” he remarked gruffly. He was about six foot four with broad shoulders, middle aged and heavyset wearing khaki work pants, dark shirt and a leather vest. And, yes, he had a full beard and looked remarkably like the man on the side of the truck.

“Thanks” I replied, “This used to be my uncle’s place, but when he passed recently he left it to me.” I looked over the large two story home in front of me. It was a beautiful large manor house set on three acres of naturally landscaped grounds with a woods surrounding the property. It still took my breath away.

‘‘Anyway, I recently moved in and last night I woke up to the smell of smoke. I traced it to a small fire in the kitchen pantry and found a hole chewed in the wall there, boxes and bags of food torn open and eaten. I didn’t see the animal but I heard it scurrying in the wall.”

“Well, that sounds like a job for ‘Vermin Farewell’. I’m Duffy Handles and don’t you worry, we’ll evict that critter faster n’ you can spit in my eye.” I’m only five foot eight and thin as a rail, I definitely didn’t want to spit in his eye.

“Hi, I’m David Talbot.”

“Well Mr Talbot, we best go see that hole in your wall.”

Duffy studied the charred hole in the pantry back wall. He stuck his head in it looking around inside, smelled the charred edges and took measurements. Then he stood back gazing at the pantry back wall shaking his head from side to side.

“What is it?” I asked anxiously.

‘Well, it ain’t no squirrel or raccoon, that’s for certain. I’m afraid what you have here is much worse.” He was still shaking his head.

“Ok, then what is it?” I asked nervously.

“What we have here is a mingon.”

“A what?” I said confused.

“A miniature dragon” declared Duffy with certainty.

“A dragon” I said incredulously, “but they don’t exist, they’re just myths and legends.”

“That’s what they want to to believe, but I’m here to tell you they do. In fact, I had a run-in with one of those buggers a few months back. I booted it out of the McNalley’s mansion over on Grander Point.”

“Wait a minute, that’s the mansion on the hill over there, right?”

“Yep, that’s the one.”

“Well it’s just a burnt-out gutted ruin now” I exclaimed exasperatedly.

‘I guess you could say I had a few minor difficulties with that one. Seems you can’t use a trap with mingons. As they’re burning their way out of the trap they kinda set the house on fire too. But don’t you worry, I’ve been thinkin, and I got some new ideas on how to get rid of mingons.”

“Ok’ I said hesitantly, “how long is this going to take?”

“Well, I need to go back to the shop and put somethin together, but I’ll be back in a few days ready to evict your little dragon. In the meantime, you need to do a few things while I’m gone. First, get all the food out of the house so as not to attract it, and second, go to town and get a fire extinguisher for every room. Then, just keep an eye out ready to put out any fires that little bugger starts.”

I cleaned all the food out of the house and got the fire extinguishers from the hardware store in town. I’d be eating a lot of take-out and delivery for the next few days. It was early evening as I sat out on the back patio exhausted and a little relieved. There had been no fires and I hadn’t seen or heard from the mini dragon all day.

It was beautiful out there as the sun dipped below the woods, shadows of the trees stretching across the grounds toward me. Birds chirped in the trees, and wrens, hummingbirds and doves were among the many birds feeding in the bird feeders in the back yard.

I was starting to dose off when a flash of bright light above me, caught my attention. As I started to look up, a fiery object fell from the sky landing ten feet in front of me. I blinked in surprise…. it was a dove on fire.

Dropping down just behind it, a creature landed on four legs; sharp talons, black scaly skin, a triangular face with small horns above, a scaly black tail and black leather wings protruding from it’s back. It’s glowing red eyes looked down at the dove, and then it looked menacingly up at me. It would have been terrifying, except for the fact that it was only six inches tall.

The little dragon looked back down at the fiery dove and exhaled a blast of foul breath extinguishing the flames. The smell of smoke, sulfur and rotting meat overwhelming my senses. It then grabbed the burnt dove with it’s talons and took to the air, flying overhead to the manor house roof and disappearing on the other side.

I managed to get out of my chair, stumbling a bit, still in shock and ran around to the other side of the house. I didn’t see the dragon, but as I scanned the house, under the eaves by the roofline I saw another charred hole. The mingon was still squatting in my house.

The next few days were mostly uneventful, some scurrying in the walls, a few new charred holes in the walls and ceiling and some small fires to be put out. I didn’t see the mini dragon, as he was always gone by the time I arrived. The house now smelled of smoke, ash and sulfur throughout and was starting to look like Swiss cheese.

Finally, Duffy returned, the ‘Vermin Farewell’ truck pulling up to the house. Duffy was all smiles as he got out of the truck and approached me.

‘We got em now Mr Talbot” he said with enthusiasm, “this contraption is sure fire to work. We’ll have that little dragon outa here in no time.” He went to the back of the truck and pulled out a big square wooden box about one foot on each side.

“I thought you said a trap wouldn’t work.”

“Ah, that’s where you’re wrong. This isn’t a trap.” Duffy placed the box on the ground and slid the lid off the top. I looked down inside of it and there in the bottom of the box was a dead squirrel.

I looked in disbelief. “What…. your just going to feed it?” I said appalled.

“That’s what it may look like” said Duffy with a goofy grin on his face, “but, inside that squirrel is enough elephant tranquilizer to put down three elephants.”

“So you’re going to kill it?”

“Nah, I tried that. Poisons don’t work on dragons for some reason, it just gives them gas, and then fire comes out the other end as well, which causes all kinds of problems.”

“No, Mr Talbot, were going to put our little dragon to sleep, then slide the cover back on and transport em to the ‘HellsCanyon Wilderness Area’ about twenty miles south of here, where he can live a happy dragon life roasting bluebirds and chipmunks to his little heart’s content.”

We needed to find a place to put the box where the dragon would feel comfortable eating the squirrel. A small niche in the attic seemed like a good place, so we put it there. Duffy had installed a motion detector under the squirrel which would then send an alert to his phone and mine. “I’m only ten minutes away” he said, “I’ll be there before you know it. Don’t go up there without me, I’m a trained professional, your not.” He didn’t have to worry about me, there was no way I was going up there on my own.

A day later I was eating dinner when the squirrel alert went off. I almost choked on my Kung Pao Chicken. I went out front anxiously awaiting for Duffy to show up. Just like he said, ten minutes later the ‘Vermin Farewell’ truck pulled into the drive.

“You ready to go expel that little freeloader” Duffy said exuberantly.

“I guess so” I said reservedly. I held up the fire extinguisher I had with me as a sign of my preparedness.

“Ha, you won’t need that Mr Talbot. Why that little fellow should be in dragon dreamland for at least nine or ten hours with the amount of elephant tranquilizer I used.”

I brought it with me just the same. I’m not sure that I trusted Duffy’s calculations. We walked up the stairs to the attic and slowly opened the door peering inside. Nothing seemed to be moving and so we made our way over to the niche where we had placed the box.

And there, inside the box, a cute comatose little dragon, it’s little chest rising and falling as it slumbered, with a half eaten squirrel next to it.

“What did I tell ya” exclaimed Duffy in triumph.

“Not so loud” I said quietly, “you might wake it up.”

“Wha…. it’s not gonna wake up Mr Talbot, an earthquake couldn’t wake this little fellow up.” He reached down and poked the little dragon several times in the belly to emphasize his point. “See, out like a light” he said as he looked back at me.

But I wasn’t looking at him, I was staring at the dragon, whose one eye was slowly opening. “Ah… ah…. Duffy” I began.

“What is it, spit it out” Duffy exclaimed.

“The…. the… dragon….. it’s…….”. Just then, both eyes on the dragon snapped open, it twisted it’s head to face Duffy and expelled a gout of flame. Duffy’s shirt, his beard and his rear end caught fire and he leapt into the air with a startled cry. I turned the extinguisher on Duffy, putting out the flames on his shirt and beard. He then began running around the attic with his ass still on fire, and me chasing him. I finally caught up to him and put it out.

We sat on the floor exhausted, Duffy’s clothes and beard still smoking, the mingon nowhere to be seen.

“Damn, that should have worked” Duffy said puzzled, “I’m telling ya, three elephants worth of tranq.” He got to his feet, padding his clothes and beard to put out any remaining embers.

“Well, I guess I’ll have to think of something else” Duffy said reservedly. “I’ll be in touch in a few days.” With that, he left the house, got into his truck and drove off. I wasn’t to sure that I would be hearing from Duffy again.

The next day just before dinnertime, I was going through the mail in the front entryway when I heard someone scream outside. I opened the front door to see the pizza delivery guy tearing off his shirt, which was on fire.

The pizza box was on the ground with the mini dragon digging it’s talons into it. It then lifted off, pizza in tow, and disappeared under the eaves of the house. The pizza guy was stomping out the remaining flames on his shirt when I approached him.

“Are you ok” I asked worriedly.

“What….. what the hell was that” he yelled.

“It was a mingon” I tried to explain calmly, “they are….’

“First dogs and now this! That’s it. I’m done delivering pizzas” he exclaimed angrily as he stalked off bare chested, his chest hair singed. He got into his car and sped back down the drive toward town.

‘Alright…. that’s the last straw’ I said to myself. ‘I need to take matters into my own hands. That little dragon has to go, one way or the other.’ I got into my car and drove into town to buy a gun.

I was brushing my teeth the next morning when I heard some scratching and clawing overhead. It was coming…. from the attic. My heart started beating rapidly. This was it. The time had come for the showdown with my six inch tall nemesis. I grabbed the gun I had bought and quietly creeped up the stairs to the attic.

I eased the door open and peered inside. I didn’t see it, but I heard more scratching over to the left behind a pile of stacked boxes and old furniture. I quietly cycled the pump action on my gun and holding it in front of me with two hands I rounded the corner of boxes.

And there I was, face to face with the miniature dragon. Well, not really face to face, mine was five feet higher. “Don’t move” I said, as I pointed the gun menacingly. It looked up at me, those glowing red eyes glaring at me. Then it opened it’s mouth and I could see flames starting to form in it’s throat.

‘Don’t do it” I yelled, “I’m warning you.” The little dragon opened his maw a little further and a stream of fire shot towards me. I pulled the trigger, firing my gun.

A powerful stream of water burst forth from my Super Soaker extinguishing the incoming flames, and then into the mini dragon’s mouth quenching those flames as well.

The mingon shook it’s head in surprise, water shaking from it’s head. The little dragon then looked back up at me.

‘Don’t even think about it” I said, cycling the pump action, the Super Soaker ready for another shot. The miniature dragon looked around, as if looking for a way to escape, and then let out a shrill cry.

“Hey, I’m not gonna hurt you little guy, I just want you to leave.” Another shrill cry erupted. “You’re destroying my house, you just can’t stay here any longer.” A louder shrill cry erupted. I was starting to feel sorry for the little guy.

“Look, just get in the box over there” I said pointing to the box Duffy had brought, “and I will take you to a great place for dragons.” Just then, there was a loud crash behind me, knocking me off my feet, splintering pieces of wood flying all around me.

I got to my feet, Super Soaker in hand, and turned around. A black scaled dragon about the size of a Rottweiler was facing me; sharp talons, horns, leather wings and glowing red eyes. Like a deer in headlights, I just stared wide-eyed in shock for a second.

I then looked down at the Super Soaker I had pointed at the terrifying dragon and quickly placed it on the floor, putting my hands up in front of me to show I meant no harm. The dragon looked at the Super Soaker, then spat fire at it setting the floor on fire. The Super Soaker melted instantly, the water from it putting out most of the fire.

The dragon’s red eyes were filled with rage as it looked back up at me. It opened it’s maw and I could see flames at the back of it’s throat growing in intensity. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see my end.

I heard a mewing sound and flinched. Nothing happened, and then more mewing sounds. After a few seconds I opened my eyes. The little dragon was rubbing it’s head against the dragon’s side, and the dragon having lost interest in me was nuzzling the mini dragon.

After a short time, their leathery wings flapping, they took to the air and out the hole in the roof. I walked over to the hole and watched them flying away south in a bee line toward Hell’s Canyon.

“Huh” I said to myself, “I should have known.”