Strange Bazaar

MAD WOMEN ONLY

The card was sitting on the sidewalk just outside Shirley’s house. The holographic business card seemed to warp so that the text was always completely visible no matter which way she turned it. Shirley looked up from the card, but she was the only person on the street. She shrugged and stowed the strange card in her suit pocket. She clicked open her small gold pocket watch which showed that she had six minutes left before her bus arrived (assuming it was on time today).

Shirley sipped her coffee and walked purposefully towards the bus stop. Her heels clacked loudly on the concrete. She stepped into the street to dodge the sprinkler that tried to soak her unerringly every morning.

“Not today Joseph,” she murmured without losing her step count. It always took exactly 248 steps to get from her front door to the bus stop. She counted 100, 150, 200, and she was there at 252.

She frowned at the familiar sign and looked back towards her house. She was sure she hadn’t miscounted. Maybe she was going as mad. She fidgeted and thought about walking back to her door, but her watch showed two minutes until the bus should arrive and the fear of being late to work won out.

The bus arrived seven minutes late to Shirley’s annoyance. She could have easily walked home and back and resolved the mystery of the extra steps in that time. She smiled tightly at the bus driver, scanned her card, and took a seat near the front.

Shirley sat down in her cubical eight minutes before work started. She carefully arranged her notebook and pen and placed her coffee on a single napkin near the far edge of the desk. She logged into her computer and began scrolling through emails.

“Hey there stranger,” Joseph said.

Shirley jumped and slid to the far side of cube. She glared up at Joseph.

Joseph smiled his famously vapid smile. “Did I get ya? Sorry about that.”

“No, you’re not sorry. You do it literally every day,” Shirley replied levelly.

“Well, if you didn’t react I wouldn’t do it, so it’s really on you,” Joseph laughed.

Shirley didn’t respond.

“Listen Shirley, you’re a great worker and all, but you’ve gotta lighten up sometimes,” Joseph tapped her cubical pointedly and then walked on.

Shirley felt Dolores watching her from the opposite cube. She turned back to the computer.

Shirley was late for lunch, trying to get something printed out. It wasn’t due until end of day, but she knew there would be competition for the printer in an hour. Unfortunately, no pleading or cajoling was convincing the printer to start printing.

Her watch read 12:15. She needed at least thirty minutes to get to the parking lot, buy a burrito, and eat it. She thought about giving up on the printer and trying it later, but if someone else needed the printer in the meantime she would be imposing by leaving her job in the queue.

Shirley bit her lip and tapped her foot impatiently as the printer continued to spin in a perpetual loading cycle.

“Hey, you want some help with that?” Dolores asked.

“Um yes please. If it’s not too much trouble.”

“No trouble. I used to work in a print shop you know. There are a hundred little things that can go wrong with these old commercial printers.”

Dolores’s purple tipped glasses rose as she stepped out from her cubical as she approached the printer. Shirley stepped out of the way of the large women who bent over with an effort and opened and closed each of the five paper trays at the bottom of the machine, then she typed in a code that Shirley didn’t catch, and the printer made happy printer noises.

“Wow, thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. I’m Dolores by the way. Not sure we’ve met.”

“Shirley. I think we were introduced in the orientation a few weeks back.”

“Right, I guess we did. Anyway, hope I see you around.” Shirley thought she caught a flash of something in the older woman’s eye before she turned back to her cubicle. Shirley collected the warm paper and rushed off to grab her burrito.

Shirley finished her work for the day early and made the mistake of stretching out her aching back and relaxing her posture a tick. Joseph immediately homed in on her.

“Before you head out, do you mind reviewing my presentation for tomorrow?” Joseph asked at 4:21.

Shirley sighed and accepted. Hopefully, it would only take her a few minutes.

“Surely I can count on Shirley!” Joseph tapped annoyingly on her cubicle and walked out the door. Done for the day apparently.

Unfortunately, it was not a short job. The presentation wasn’t even complete. There were blanks all over the presentation where Joseph had written a note for her to look up a specific old project, or “find an appropriate example.” She listened as the entire office packed up and left as she continued working.

Shirley finally finished Joseph’s work and caught the last bus at 7:59pm. She was tired and unfocused, but she still counted every step from the bus stop to her home. It took her 238 steps to get from the drop off point to her home. It was the expected number of steps this time, so maybe she wasn’t mad after all. For some reason, the thought made her sad.  

She got back home to a very hungry cat who yowled at her through the entire wet food preparation process.

“I’m sorry Sponge. I’ll try not to be this late again.”

The small orange cat slurped happily at his bowl. Shirley smiled at him and pet him for a bit before collapsing onto the couch. A few minutes later, Sponge curled up on her lap, and she felt significantly better as she petted the purring lump.

Shirley woke up with a start. Her alarm was blaring in the next room. She had fallen asleep on the couch. Her watch showed that she was running late. She startled Sponge awake as she ran to shut off the alarm. She collected a new blouse and underwear, ran to the bathroom, washed her face, ran a brush through her hair, and changed. No time for makeup and she even kept the same suit. She raced through the kitchen, skipped the coffee, stuffed a granola bar into her purse, sprayed herself with perfume, and ran out the door.

She walked at a quick, even pace and somehow reached the bus stop exactly eight minutes before it was supposed to arrive. It took 252 steps to get to the bus stop. The wrong number again.

She looked back towards her house. She realized that the drop-off point from work took her to the other side of the street, so whatever had changed in her step count it was consistent and always on this side.

She spun the card in her pocket around and around incessantly. The bus would probably be late again anyway. She turned back towards the house and started walking, paying very close attention to every one of her steps, she counted 50, then 100, then 150, then 200, and then Joseph the sprinkler got her. Bullseye.

Shirley did not move. She just stood there getting absolutely drenched. She felt like screaming.

Instead, she calmed down and took one soggy step forward and then another. She counted 252 steps by the time she made it back home. There was definitely something going on.

She stripped out of her soaked clothes, wrapped herself in a towel, and picked up the phone to call in sick. She had never lied like that before, it felt incredibly freeing to hang up and take a long, hot shower.

Shirley strolled out of her house at 12:05 feeling clean and dry in relaxed wear. She took her time walking from her home to the bus stop, watching her steps carefully. She took 252 steps. Then, from the bus stop back home, 252 steps. Her gait was perfectly even. There was a consistent difference of 4 steps between what she knew it used to be and how many steps it took now.

She tried a new strategy and looked up and around at her surroundings as she took 50 then 100 then 150 and then, wait a minute. Was she less far along than she should be?

She went back to 100 steps, then went on to 150 steps. She had an intuitive sense for how far she should have gone in that many steps, and it wasn’t mapping. For some reason, between 100 and 150, she was crossing less distance than she should.

She doubled back and walked more carefully to 120, then 130, and then looked around. Right around 125 something was wrong. In the space between two houses on her street, there was a fence post that seemed to shine slightly. She walked from the sidewalk to the fence in a perfectly straight line. After 25 steps, she was up against the fence on the right side, but she had walked straight at it. She was sure.

She tried again, and she was on the left side of the fence. Again, she was certain she had walked straight at the thing.

MAD WOMEN ONLY

The card read. She thought about this. What would a mad woman do? She guessed only a mad woman would have started this investigation in the first place, but what would a mad woman do next?

Shirley returned to the sidewalk and closed her eyes. She walked straight at the fence post and this time she hit it straight on, smacking her head on the wood. She opened her eyes and she was surrounded by an unreal kaleidoscope of colors. Like two dimensions were slamming together in a sea of white. Did she have a concussion? It was giving her a headache. She shut her eyes again and thought about running. Instead, she reached out her hand and touched the fence post. It was there, except it was much wider than it should have been, and it had a large brass knob. She twisted the knob and stepped through the fence/door.

Shirley opened her eyes and sucked in air. She is surrounded by strange and magical nonsense. The room was a blue glass dome with brass pipes pumping colorful liquids in all directions. Women stood at stalls hawking surreal goods including animated skulls and bubbling potions. Women turned cauldrons and flew around on various objects. Women and strange beings were performing wonders in every direction that she looked.

“A gawping carp is it?” A short woman with a bob cut asked.

“I’m sorry what?” Shirley replied.

“I’m only joking deary. A new mad woman are you? You’ll be wanting the tour I’m sure.”

“Um, yes?”

The woman indicated for her to follow and together they began walking deeper into the strange place, tailed by pink cat hopping on bubbles.

“This is a pocket dimension we created called the Strange Bazaar. It can access and be accessed from a number of different points in the city. And try not to be observed entering or exiting. The illusion magic helps, but people can still notice a woman who is there one minute and gone the next. My name is Laurie by the way, Astrologer. What’s your name and specialty mad woman?”

“My name is Shirley. Specialty? Well, I work in accounting.”

Laurie looked up at her strangely. “No specialty, how did you get in here exactly?”

“I mean, well I just walked through the door.”

“Just walked through the door? You just walked right through? No sniffer or dousing rod, just walked? Pricilla have you ever heard of that before?”

She spoke to an extremely tall woman who was hunched over boiling cauldron. The woman looked up and shook out her long blonde hair that transformed into perfectly coiffed ringlets as it passed through the smoke.

“Just walked in did she? No, never heard of that. Maybe Janice messed up.”

“I heard that, and I can assure you my weavings are perfect,” Shirley jumped. The voice seemed to have come from right next to her, but no one was there.

Pricilla cackled reedily. “No, I guess she wouldn’t let the defenses down even for such a cute mad woman, this one might just be very observant.”

“I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong?” Shirley asked.

“No of course not deary. It hardly matters how you got here. Once you’re in, you’re in. Of course, you’ll have to promise not to tell anyone about us and sign the NDA.”

Laurie snapped her fingers and a contract floated in front of Shirley.

“Standard boilerplate. You’ll tell no non-members about this place, and of course should you ever break your vow, then your first-born son will be sacrificed to the devil. You know, typical stuff.”

Shirley paled and Pricilla cackled.

“She’s only kidding about the devil bit. You’re just not allowed back in if you tell.”

Shirley flushed, read the contract, and signed.

“Excellent, welcome to the club! Here’s a welcome bag with all sorts of fun goodies for you to start experimenting with. I’m sure the entrance you used to get here will be the most convenient, but the map in there will show you where the other six. You’ve also got Ink of Reputation, Bubbles of Levity, a Wand of the Stars, and the Glasses of Sensing to get you started experimenting with magic. Generally, the Strange Bazaar is a group of shops where we trade goods and services, so in the future you’ll need to bring things to trade or do some work for one of the other mad women in exchange for magic items. Of course, lots of ingredients have to be bought so money is always good…”

Shirley spent the rest of the day with Laurie walking around the Strange Bazaar experiencing wonder after wonder. By the time she returned home, she was ready to collapse from the mental exhaustion of it all.

Shirley woke up half convinced the whole experience had been a dream, but she still had the bag of magical goodies and a new card.

MAD WOMEN ONLY

But this one had her name on the reverse. She giggled and held it up to the light, she couldn’t wait to go back to that strange new world.

Shirley got out of bed and prepared for the day with exceptional enthusiasm. After a few moments’ consideration, she tried on the glasses. The purple tips were a bit different, but they seemed to work fine. She shrugged and packed the rest of the gift bag into her purse. She left the house, dodged Joseph the sprinkler and passed the fence post with reluctance to wait for her bus.

“After work,” she promised.

“Boo,” Joseph said, attempting to startle her, but she had seen him coming even with her back turned and she did not jump.

Joseph’s plastic smile wavered, but only briefly.

“Listen, you did good work on that last report, and I could use some help getting ready for the next one. You mind putting something together or me today?”

“I’m sure I have lots of work to catch up on since I was out…”

“It won’t take but a second. Surely I can count on Shirley!”

Joseph tapped her cubicle wall and moved on.

Shirley’s email, already full to bursting, beeped with Joseph’s new request, URGENT: DUE TODAY 1PM SHARP. 

Shirley sighed and rubbed her eyes, pushing up the glasses. It was going to be another long day.

Out of the corner of her eye, Shirley saw Dolores rise from her own cube, shuffle around, and approach.

“Nice glasses, are they new?” Dolores asked.

“Erm yes actually, I thought I would try something…”

Dolores tapped her own glasses and Shirley realized they were identical.

“You’re with the—”

“Shhhh. You never know who’s listening.”

Shirley nodded.

“I just wanted to give you a little piece of advice. That ink of yours, I can load it in the printer when you’re ready. Just make sure you open it first and focus your feelings for that wonderful boss of yours into it.”

Dolores winked and waddled back to her cube. Shirley pulled out the ink. It was the kind of ink jar for a fountain pen, but if anyone knew how to get it into a printer... She opened the jar and stared into the black ink and just mentally unleashed an avalanche of pent-up rage she had for her pompous, lazy, inconsiderate jerk of a boss.

She felt drained and a bit foolish when she finished. But something was happening. A rainbow swirl, like a fish made of gasoline seemed to swim around in the ink before disappearing into the darkness. She closed up the jar, completed Joseph’s work for him, and then brought the ink jar to Dolores. Together, they printed out the report.

Joseph smiled and nodded and praised Shirley for her work so profusely before heading off to his presentation that she was sure whatever the ink was supposed to do hadn’t work. Oh well, she was new to this. She had probably messed it up somehow.

She went back to her cube and finally got into the huge backload of work in her inbox, when she saw Nick and Mark, Joseph’s bosses, walking out of a conference room. And when she looked at them, despite them being on the other side of the office, she could suddenly hear their voices as though they were right next to her.

“I can’t put my finger on it, but Joseph is a bit of a low performer lately isn’t he?”

“Actually, I’m so glad you said something. I don’t think he’s reaching his KPIs.”

“Maybe we need to have a conversation about his future with the company at the next quarterly.”

Shirley grinned madly.