Step towards happiness

*it has theme- grieving a lover and a brother*

I loved her even more now carrying his baby. She was so gentle and idyllic. Like a blooming flower among just green grass, lonely but strong against the wind. She was always with a hand on her stomach, expecting the baby to start kicking any time soon. The sun cast it’s spell on her skin, making her cheeks rosier as she was sitting by the open windows to the balcony. She was afraid of heights so even when she preferred to be outside it was not quite. The sun lounger almost all the way inside the living room at the second floor of our home.

I’ve been calling it that the moment she asked me to stay here after he… yeah. The night she cried for a second time in front of me, breaking my heart, I could only beg her to stop because I couldn’t take it anymore. It seems like years had passed but it was only five months since…

The sun ravished her with it’s rays of light every day. She never got bored of it’s company. Neither of mine. I was finishing a project on my laptop a little more than couple meters away from her spot. The sun I felt on my hands as I was typing calmly listening to her breathing getting even as she was falling asleep once again. I never said a thing. I never moved from my spot in case I disturb her dreams. She was calm enough, trusting me with all of her for herself and her baby. Their baby.

Now I could watch her sleep in peace, the book “Flesh” by David Szalay over her chest. She was telling me all about Istvan’s story every few pages. Elizabeth was so immersed with him, so caring and hoping for him but it looked like it wasn’t gonna end well. I asked her does she want to keep reading it now but she responded calmly that such books give her some sense of reality but also hope for better.

“Ah!”- suddenly she said and I realised she was wide awake and holding her stomach. God no, please no. Don’t take them away from me.

“El-”.

“Sh”- she shushed me and we were next to each other. The couch on my left, the middle of the room, we met as she took my hand and put it over her bump.

“Do you feel the baby, Lyle?”

I didn’t even register what she had said, feeling the little kicks when she stepped away from me. I looked and saw tears in her eyes.

" It was mistake of the tongue, Matthias. I did not mean to say it.”

And then it hit me. She called me by his name. Her dead lover’s name. The father of the child she carries. The name of my brother not by blood but by life.

" As long as you and the baby are fine I need nothing else, El.”

She was crying once again in front of me. Could she not understand the pain that gives me? How much powerless I feel in those moments, not being able to give her utter happiness?

" It’s not fair. I have never been fair to you. "

“You have always been real with me, that is what I need to keep me sane. You are alive and that brings back my heart to life. Yours might be broken and even worse but I will be here always to take care of all of you. "

" You know I love you right?”

I kissed her forehead and went downstairs, we both needed space.

“I know, but not enough, baby”- I whispered once out of ear reach.

I opened the french windows downstairs and went to my little manly place where I was building her and the little baby something. We knew the gender. It was gonna be a boy and I was already imagining all the ways I will play with him. He was gonna be a lover and heart-breaker at the same time knowing his mother. He is gonna love everything and everyone and even life after such tragic death, just like her. He is also gonna break girls or boys’ hearts one day, just like his mother broke mine choosing my brother. But yet she doesn’t even know. How can I blame her? She doesn’t know I’ve been her prisoner since the moment my eyes landed upon her.

The crib was almost ready. Just some final touches and I was gonna move it into his bedroom with turquoise walls and dark wood wardrobes. I promised my Elizabeth I will take care of the crib and she trusted me.

I wonder if he was right with his last words…will she love me as she loves him still one day…I, no, I hoped he was right. He was right that the cancer returned when he told me so calmly one day and a month later those last words of his were being said inside the cold hospital room with her waiting outside, not expecting anything bad but I knew letting her enter it was gonna be for the last time. I said to him a simple “Bye” like we were gonna see each other again but we both knew the truth but I had to compose myself…for her…always for her.

Suddenly I felt her soft hand on mine and I noticed just now that I was spiraling in my thoughts once again and she had entered for the first time this place in months. Before it was for my motorcycle and the instruments I used on it but once I found out she was pregnant no matter whose child it was I was ecstatic for the future, I became more mature and readier for that step in my life because I knew she was gonna stay. It didn’t matter as who in my life. She was gonna be part of it. Like he had promised me. To wait as long as I need for her to be ready and love me as she loves him.

“I am deeply sorry, Matthias.”

I knew that. I don’t think I was ready to face her. Not when so many emotions were ready to erupt. I was controlling myself, holding myself in place but her hand was torturing me.

“Why don’t you turn around and show me you’ve forgiven me.”

What could she possibly mean? Did she know I was gonna kiss his name off her lips once and for all. Erase him for just a comfortable while and make her completely mine?

“How can I show you?” - even my voice was rough with uncontrollable desire.

" You know how”.

I still didn’t turn around. Her hand holding my wrist, I bet she could feel how my heart started beating faster by her presence.

" What if I kiss you?”- I didn’t even know how I said those words but I did and there was no turning back.

" Please”.

It was quiet whisper, a plea I was gonna comply. But I was afraid I was too much in my imagination. That this was yet another daydream of mine and I was gonna be ruined when I turn around and not see anyone but the wind blowing in my face from the open doors.

But her hand, I could not imagine it so much real and warm. It was never quite enough. Never. I turned in a rush, my breath caught in my lungs. She was right here. Glorious as ever. Even more eternal than ever. Because I knew now. She was mine. Finally mine. Slowly I put my hands over her back and pulled her closer, feeling her bump and our small boy kicking in excitement inside her womb. My hand moved towards her face as I leaned towards her. Her lips parted, tears spilled from both of our eyes as our first kiss happened. Slowly, surely, shattering every wall of pain and agony. It was our turn for happiness and we were gonna take it with full hands. I was gonna love her and she was gonna love me.