It's a Messy Life

(Sensitive content: nothing happens on-scene but allusions to suicide and sexual violence are made)

Larry wished he had never been born. All his life he made one dumb decision after another, and now here he was, a high school dropout, kicked out by his parents to make his own way, with no money, no prospects, and no friends. He had nowhere to go, and in one final act of dumb desperation, he made his way to the bridge on the edge of town that crossed the river and cried out to someone he rarely acknowledged.

“God, I don’t know if you’re really there, and I know I’m a stupid screw-up, but I’ve heard you help people when they have no place else to turn. So, here I am, and I really need your help. If you aren’t going to help me, or you’re not really there, then I don’t see any reason to go on anymore.”

No response.

Larry shrugged and prepared to jump. Someone beat him to it. With his dumb luck, he picked the same time that another stupid soul planned to end it.

The other teenager broke the surface and screamed out for help. Larry decided this was as good a way to go as any other--and who knows, maybe his luck would change--as he dove in to attempt a rescue. Larry grabbed the lanky guy before he went under again and managed to keep his head above water as they flowed downstream with the river and toward the side where Larry knew of an easy place to get out. He climbed out of the river, dragging the other teen along with him until they were safely on the grassy slope.

“So, why were you trying to end it all?” asked Larry after he caught his breath.

“Oh, I wasn’t trying to kill myself,” said the gawky teen. “I was trying to keep you from killing yourself.”

Larry narrowed his eyes. “What?”

“You were going to throw yourself from that bridge to end it all, as you say. I knew if I jumped in first, you would rush to my aid instead.” He smiled, and his bushy, brown eyebrows crinkled. “Works every time.”

“Wait a minute. You knew I was going to jump? How did you know that? Have you been watching me?”

“Oh, yes, I’ve been watching your entire life, and you’ve made some terrible decisions. I was sent to help you.”

“You were sent?”

“Yes, you called out to God for help, and He sent me.”

“Wonderful,” Larry scoffed and shook his head. “What’s your name?”

“Clarence.”

“The angel who gets his wings in It’s a Wonderful Life?”

Clarence beamed and nodded vigorously. “Oh, you’ve heard about me then. After my success with George Bailey, I learned I liked these goofy cases. You could say it’s a specialty of mine now.”

“Aren’t you an old, bumbling guy with white hair?

“I’m an angel, and I’ve been given permission to take whatever human form I like.” Clarence’s mouth danced on his face. “But if you would be more comfortable with that form-—” Clarence morphed into the old man with white, bushy eyebrows and unkempt hair that Larry remembered from the movie. “Voila.”

Larry stood up and held out a hand. “Clarence, showing me what the town would be like if I’d never been born might be more depressing than I could handle right now.”

Clarence accepted the hand and stood. “Oh, yes, that it would, that it would. No, that’s not what we’re planning for you. You have the opportunity to see what your life would have been like if you had made different choices than the ones you did.”

Larry’s ears perked up. “Wait, so I’ll get to live the life I would have, if I did things differently?”

Clarence smiled broadly and nodded. “Are you ready?”

“Can I select which choices to make differently?”

“Sure, sure.”

“How many choices can I change?”

“As many as you want.”

Larry thought back to what might have been one of his earliest significant bad decisions. “All right, let’s start with when I pushed my friend Ralph down that hill back in the fourth grade. He ended up with a broken leg, and his parents wouldn’t let us play together anymore.”

“All right, you never pushed Ralph down the hill.”

Before Larry could move, his sight blurred, and his head felt fuzzy. “I don’t feel too good. What’s happening?”

“Oh, that’s just the cognitive dissonance,” replied Clarence. “That happens because of all the changes that are occurring because you never pushed Ralph down the hill. It will pass in a moment, but then-—”

Larry felt a shock spring up his spine that felt like it lit his brain on fire. He grabbed his head and gasped.

“Yes, the hypermnesia,” explained Clarence. “Your memories are being rewritten to correspond with this world branch, or whatever you want to call it.” He grabbed hold of Larry. “You might want to hang on to me for this next effect. It’s the most difficult physically.”

Larry hugged Clarence as his eyes cleared in time to see his surroundings blur past him and then settle with new scenery around him.

“Multiversal translocation,” said Clarence. “That should be it. We are in your new world branch now, and we’re still tied to your old world branch, too, while your case is open. You should recognize the differences until then.”

Larry let go of Clarence and rubbed his eyes. He looked around and saw that they were standing in the gym of his high school, and he was in gym clothes. A class was in session, and Larry and Clarence stood on the sidelines watching. “So, what just happened?”

“You never pushed Ralph down the hill, so Ralph did not break his leg then, you and Ralph were able to continue playing…”

“But we’re still not friends,” continued Larry, as he began to remember. “The next year Ralph made friends with Jason, a kid new to the school that year, and I got mad, and…” Larry glared at Clarence. “I still made a stupid decision and lost Ralph as a friend. The whole point of reversing that decision was so Ralph and I would still be friends.”

“Ah, so that’s what you really want then, is to still be friends with Ralph?”

“Well,” Larry paused to consider, “I guess I figured that would be the outcome, but I really just want to undo my dumb decisions.”

“Everyone makes dumb decisions from time to time,” said Clarence. “It’s just part of what it means to not be omniscient. You don’t always know the right thing to do.”

“That’s kind of messed up.”

Clarence smiled and shrugged. “Do you want to keep Ralph as a friend or not?”

“I think so. I mean, I don’t want to be mad just because he made a new friend and we stopped spending so much time together.”

“Okay, you do not react with jealousy over Jason,” Clarence held up one finger, “and you want to remain friends with Ralph.”

Larry held on to Clarence and closed his eyes. He presumed this would make the transition easier. His head still felt clouded momentarily and then on fire for a bit and then he felt his balance waver, but then everything felt still again. He opened his eyes.

Clarence sat next to him in a jail cell. Larry wore torn jeans and a ripped and soiled tee.

“You’re kidding me.” Larry stood up and faced Clarence. “What did I do now? How did I end up in jail?”

Clarence sighed. “You don’t remember?”

Larry thought for a moment. “Oh, man, what were we thinking? Jenny is our friend. Why would we do that to her?”

“Consuming that much alcohol lowers inhibitions, and…”

“Where are Ralph and Jason?”

“In other cells.”

“This isn’t turning out like I thought. You’re just making me want to give up even more.”

“Oh, my.” Clarence frowned and bowed his head. “That’s not good. Not good at all.”

“Can’t you find me a worldline or whatever where I end up rich and happy?”

Clarence shook his head. “We’re not looking at future possibilities. We’re only allowing you to change past decisions.”

“Well, this just sucks,” said Larry. “I’m not any good in any of these worldlines. Are there any where I make good decisions?”

“Every life is a tapestry of world branches of both good and bad decisions.”

Larry stared at Clarence. “Wait, these are all my life.”

Clarence nodded. “These are all part of the world branch collective of your life.”

Larry closed his eyes and took a deep breath in. He held it for a second before letting it out. “I have no idea what that means. Just don’t let me do this to Jenny.”

“All right, you are not involved…”

“Wait, no, don’t let this happen to Jenny at all.”

“We aren’t changing the decisions of other people, just yours.”

Larry shook his head. “No, this isn’t right. Go back to my other choices. I’m just going to screw things up worse than I already did. Put me back where we began. Undo the choices I undid. Or whatever. You know what I mean.”

Clarence nodded. “Okay, so you do push Ralph down the hill in the fourth grade, and that will mean you don’t end up dealing much with Ralph and Jason, so that will take care of undoing that decision. Is that what you want?”

“Yes, I clearly don’t know what I’m doing, so let’s just go back to where I was before all this started.”

“Done.”

After the head fuzz, brain shock, and blurred surroundings, Larry and Clarence were back on the grassy bank of the river. Larry looked around, relieved to be back in a worldline that felt better now and back in the wet jeans and sweatshirt he wore when they started. He was disappointed in himself, though. He was much worse than he realized, although better than he could be, evidently.

“Do I ever make any good choices?”

Clarence sighed and gave him a side squeeze. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You make good decisions, too, but like with everyone else, most situations have a lot of bad choices that can be made and maybe only a few good options. Choosing what is right takes practice.”

Larry mulled this over. “At least I didn’t do that to Jenny.”

“Not in this world branch, but that still happens in the other world branch you experienced.”

Larry narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Like I said, you are a tapestry of—”

“Both good and bad choices,” finished Larry. “Yeah, I heard you. But I don’t have any awareness of the results from the choices I didn’t make.”

“Oh, well, yes,” started Clarence. “Consciousness is restricted to just one world branch at a time.”

Larry felt his stomach churn. “Do you mean all those things actually happen? Even if I choose to do one thing, the other thing still occurs?”

“In one sense, yes,” explained Clarence. “You might not be consciously aware of it all, but it’s all going on in one way or another.”

“And am I responsible for all those other worldlines?”

“They are all still you.”

“Then what does it matter what choice I make at all?!”

Clarence clicked his tongue a couple of times. “Come, come, now. It matters to you, doesn’t it? The conscious you.”

Larry put his arms around his midsection. “So, in some way, Jenny is still…”

Clarence peered at Larry with drooped eyes. “Sadly, yes. Unfortunately, sin has caused all sorts of problems in the world.”

“This was much easier when I didn’t believe God was really there, but you’ve kind of ruined that façade for me.”

Clarence smiled with a sad look. “You did call out to Him for help.”

Larry braced his hands on either side of his head. “I can’t even begin to try to make up for all of this.” He knelt on the soft grass. “God, I feel horrible. How am I supposed to deal with this?” He snapped up his head. “I’m going straight to Hell, aren’t I? How does anyone get to Heaven if we’re responsible for all this?”

Clarence’s eyes gleamed as if the stars were finally aligning. “You don’t have to pay the price for all that. He did plan for it from the beginning. He sent a Savior.”

“What?”

“His Son. Jesus.”

“Oh.”

Larry took a deep breath and felt a different feeling of cognitive dissonance. He slowly stood and viewed Clarence’s smiling and beaming face.

“Oh.”

Larry no longer wanted to give up. He was glad to be alive. He felt renewed purpose.

“Oh.”

Larry had a lot of people he needed to beg for forgiveness. But he also knew he would not have to do that alone. He would never feel alone again.

Clarence put a hand on Larry’s shoulder. “May I walk you home?”

Larry nodded and could not keep the tears from forming. He embraced Clarence for some time, letting his emotions run clean. After he calmed and released Clarence, Larry started the walk back to have a hard talk with his parents.

A pair of young girls rode by them on bicycles, ringing their bells.

“So, do you get another set of wings now?”

“No, I got my wings from the George Bailey case. I just take these cases now for His glory and for my fun.”