Mindful doors

Before you close a door, open it first. Livie chuckled in disbelief at that thought and pressed the door handle. You might wonder why Livie thought about closing a door without opening it first. This could become a mindful ramble about 'doors' - Their construction, colour, form, smell, feel to the touch, noise, and taste? - But I will spare you, although Livie’s mind wandered in that direction for a second.

No, Livie had the pleasure of having to open a door she preferred to leave closed. But as life goes, there are obstacles you cannot avoid. Livie pulled the door open and stretched out her right hand to reach for the light switch. She took a deep breath while her eyes were closed and pressed it. Golden light shined through while her eyes were still closed, and a warm feeling seemed to spread through her body. Livie swallowed hard, took another deep breath, and gave herself a mental push before she cracked one eye open. The light dazzled her for a second, but she opened her other eye anyway, although she only wanted to close them and the door again.

Livie stepped through the door outside and closed the entrance door without looking back. She rushed onto the narrow path leading to the street and felt her usual inner autopilot kicking in. Nodding her head in greeting as she passed the elderly neighbour on his way to his daily walk around the block, she then walked past the plant pot filled with used paper tissues. She hastily crossed the street from the same spot as every day and rolled her eyes at the sounds of honking cars at the distant crossroads she walked towards. Livie quickly put on her headphones, tapping her phone to open a moody playlist, and pressed play. Music might challenge the inner autopilot, at least for a bit, on her way to her 9-to-5 job. She already wanted to turn around and walk through the door she just left behind. To explore different worlds, laugh and talk freely, follow her own rhythm and instincts, explore new and exciting things, and bury herself in her bed. Livie sighed deeply and turned the music up while almost reaching the noisy crossroads. Cars were passing by while she waited for the light to turn green, staring into nothing. She felt a cold breeze and shivered, breathing in car fumes and urging herself to hold her breath.

With a stuttering breath, her eyes glued to the metro station in front of her, she walked down the crosswalk in a hurry. People were passing her in a stressed manner, their tired eyes focused on the road. Some were moving slowly, but their bodies were tense, and some were moving fast, almost running with their heavy bags. One person approaching Livie from the opposite side of the street coughed after swallowing a big gulp from their coffee to-go cup. Must have been hot. The person's hair was a bit messy, and Livie noticed they wore their shirt inside-out as she passed by. A need to tell them crossed Livie’s mind, but when she turned around, the person was already out of sight. When she turned her head back, she caught a glimpse of a lady, who seemed to wait for someone, pointing with one hand at Livie’s shoes. Livie startled and looked down only to see her shoe laces dangling down, untied. With a nod, she thanked the lady, who averted her eyes in a bored way and quickly laced her shoes as soon as she reached the other side of the street. What a nice gesture. Livie thought while she scolded her sleep-deprived brain before she felt someone bumping into her and cursing under their breath. She wobbled a little and caught a glimpse of a person running towards the metro entrance. Approaching another door. Livie shook her head and felt annoyance creeping in already, although she had not crossed the next difficult door yet. After she tied her shoes with a double knot, she adjusted her headphones tightly around her ears and walked through the door into the metro station, eyes glued to the floor. Livie would have to enter and close many doors today before she could return to herself. But first, there were everyday life obstacles to manage, where she had to quiet her brain and control her expressions.

Her heart started to race, and panic rose as soon as she walked into the human-packed metro station. It was often like that for Livie in crowded places. Sometimes crowds squeezed the air out of her lungs, and it became hard to breathe. Her senses grew overstimulated, and her tired mind got clouded over. She started to feel numb, only sensing her fast heartbeat and her body’s heat rising. For a moment panic started to creep in before she remembered where she was. One of her hands quietly reached into the pocket of her jacket to grab her fidget cube tightly. Livie lifted the other hand to her nose and inhaled the warm, sweet, and herbal scent on her quickening pulse. “Okay,” she thought and tried to keep the calming but quickly fading effect close while she kept on walking. Breathing steadily.

Life and it’s challenges, everyone experiences them in a different way. Some more, some less. Still, there is a sense of collective endurance in passing through the heavy doors in life. Just like the person with the coffee to go earlier, who might notice the inside-out worn shirt in an important meeting or later at home, like the bored-looking lady pointing at Livie’s untied shoes. And all the other tired-looking people are trying to reach doors they need to enter. Livie smiled quietly at that thought while hurrying up the stairs to the platform. At least we are passing those difficult doors together. The crowd guided her, and within moments, the doors of the train closed behind Livie, transporting her to all the seemingly dull doors of her life, waiting for her to enter one by one.