“The Emergency Meeting That Could Have Been an Email”

LINDA: Okay, everyone, let’s settle down. I called this emergency meeting because—

GARY: Is this about the printer again? Because I told you, it can smell fear.

LINDA: Gary, no, this is not about the printer.

GARY: Then why is it staring at me?

KAREN: Printers don’t stare, Gary. That’s your guilt.

GARY: I recycled one paperclip wrong in 2009 and I will never be free.

LINDA: Focus. This is about the office holiday party.

MELISSA: Oh thank God. I already put on shapewear under my work clothes just in case.

LINDA: It’s June.

MELISSA: Shapewear is a lifestyle, Linda.

BRIAN: Are we doing themes? Because I can’t do “Roaring Twenties” again. Last time I accidentally dressed like a newsboy and everyone asked me to fix their Wi-Fi.

LINDA: No themes. The problem is that someone replied “Reply All” to the invitation with a complaint.

KAREN: I knew it. I knew it. This is why we can’t have fondue.

GARY: What was the complaint?

LINDA: I’ll read it. “I do not feel emotionally safe around a chocolate fountain.”

MELISSA: That’s valid.

BRIAN: Is it though?

MELISSA: Have you ever seen a marshmallow hesitate?

KAREN: Who sent it?

LINDA: It was anonymous.

GARY: Nothing is anonymous in Outlook. Outlook remembers everything. Outlook remembers my password from when I was young and hopeful.

LINDA: IT is trying to trace it.

BRIAN: We have IT?

KAREN: It’s just Steve.

STEVE: I can hear you.

LINDA: Anyway, the email triggered a larger conversation about inclusivity.

GARY: The chocolate fountain is exclusionary to lactose-intolerant people and people with trust issues.

MELISSA: And people who saw that episode of Dateline.

BRIAN: So what are we doing instead?

LINDA: Suggestions were requested.

KAREN: I suggested a nice sheet cake.

GARY: That cake was dry, Karen. It had the personality of a dental pamphlet.

KAREN: It was “elegant vanilla.”

MELISSA: No vanilla is elegant. Vanilla is a witness.

LINDA: Please. Someone else suggested cupcakes.

BRIAN: Cupcakes are just muffins with a PR team.

GARY: And frosting is just makeup for carbs.

MELISSA: Okay but hear me out. Dessert bar.

KAREN: We tried that. Gary labeled everything “mysterious.”

GARY: Because it was mysterious. No one knew what quinoa pudding was in 2018.

BRIAN: No one knows now.

LINDA: The bigger issue is the party budget.

KAREN: We spent it all on branded stress balls shaped like the company logo.

GARY: Which is a trapezoid. An aggressive shape for stress relief.

MELISSA: Mine burst and now my purse smells like regret.

LINDA: So the party has to be low-cost.

BRIAN: What about a potluck?

KAREN: Absolutely not.

GARY: Hard no.

MELISSA: I still have flashbacks to the “chili incident.”

BRIAN: That was one time.

KAREN: You brought gazpacho in a Crock-Pot.

BRIAN: It was ironic.

LINDA: Potlucks are off the table.

STEVE: The table was returned because someone used it as a standing desk and cried on it.

LINDA: Thank you, Steve.

GARY: What about an activity instead of food?

MELISSA: Like trust falls?

KAREN: I will not fall for any of you.

BRIAN: Paint-and-sip?

GARY: I can’t sip. I overshare.

MELISSA: Escape room?

KAREN: We already work here.

LINDA: Guys, please. HR says the party needs to boost morale.

GARY: Morale is a myth invented by people with parking spots.

MELISSA: What if we cancel it?

LINDA: We can’t cancel it.

BRIAN: Why not?

LINDA: Because the CEO already RSVP’d “Can’t wait!!!” with three exclamation points.

KAREN: That’s legally binding.

GARY: Three exclamation points means he’s bringing his own agenda.

MELISSA: Or his guitar.

LINDA: So we need a plan.

BRIAN: What if we do games? Like trivia.

KAREN: Trivia about what?

BRIAN: Office trivia.

GARY: No. No one needs to know how long I microwaved fish.

MELISSA: What about karaoke?

KAREN: I didn’t survive middle management to sing in front of interns.

GARY: Unless it’s anonymous karaoke.

BRIAN: That’s just mouthing words alone.

LINDA: I’m writing all of this down and none of it is helping.

STEVE: The Wi-Fi just went down.

GARY: Of course it did. It sensed joy.

LINDA: Focus! We need one simple, inclusive, affordable idea.

MELISSA: What if we do nothing but call it “Mindful Networking”?

KAREN: That’s just standing.

BRIAN: With eye contact.

GARY: Absolutely not.

LINDA: We could do awards.

KAREN: No.

MELISSA: I love awards.

GARY: Awards are weapons.

BRIAN: Like “Best Team Player.”

KAREN: Which means “Never Complains.”

MELISSA: “Most Likely to Reply All.”

GARY: That cuts deep.

LINDA: Okay, but maybe fun awards?

KAREN: There are no fun awards.

STEVE: I once won “Best Laugh.” I was coughing.

LINDA: What if the awards are self-selected?

BRIAN: So we nominate ourselves?

GARY: I nominate myself for “Survived Another Year.”

MELISSA: I nominate myself for “Best Hair in Artificial Lighting.”

KAREN: I nominate myself for “Said No.”

LINDA: This is becoming chaos.

GARY: Chaos is the brand.

BRIAN: Could we just give everyone the afternoon off?

LINDA: We can’t.

KAREN: Why not?

LINDA: Because productivity.

GARY: Productivity is just anxiety with spreadsheets.

MELISSA: What if the party is during work hours but feels rebellious?

BRIAN: Like casual Friday but on a Tuesday.

KAREN: Too dangerous.

LINDA: What if we combine ideas? Low-cost, minimal food, mild activity.

GARY: Cheese cubes.

MELISSA: Only if they’re labeled emotionally.

BRIAN: A slideshow.

KAREN: Of what?

BRIAN: Of us.

GARY: No.

LINDA: Like a year-in-review.

MELISSA: Oh! With photos!

KAREN: Who approved photos?

GARY: I have one angle.

STEVE: The projector works but only in French.

LINDA: We’ll make it work.

BRIAN: Add background music.

MELISSA: Soft but triumphant.

KAREN: No lyrics.

GARY: Lyrics make promises.

LINDA: Okay. Cheese cubes, slideshow, background music, brief awards.

BRIAN: And we call it—

MELISSA: “Celebrating Us.”

GARY: Too intimate.

KAREN: “Mandatory Appreciation.”

LINDA: “Year-End Gathering.”

BRIAN: Neutral. Cold. Perfect.

STEVE: Should I send the update?

LINDA: Yes. And please disable Reply All.

STEVE: I can’t. It feeds on freedom.

MELISSA: I’m excited.

KAREN: I’m cautiously alive.

GARY: I will attend emotionally from my desk.

LINDA: Meeting adjourned.

BRIAN: Wait, what about the chocolate fountain?

LINDA: No fountain.

GARY: Thank you.

MELISSA: But can we have strawberries?

KAREN: Only if they’re dry.

GARY: Everything should be dry.

STEVE: Email sent.

LINDA: What did you write?

STEVE: “Cheese cubes will be provided.”

GARY: That’s leadership.

MELISSA: I’m crying a little.

KAREN: Same.

LINDA: Okay. Let’s go back to work.

GARY: Does anyone else feel like we just lived a year?

BRIAN: At least it wasn’t a potluck.

KAREN: Don’t say that word.

STEVE: Reply All just lit up.

LINDA: What does it say?

STEVE: “I feel emotionally safe around cheese.”

GARY: That’s growth.

MELISSA: That’s the holiday spirit.

KAREN: We’re doomed.

LINDA: Meeting really adjourned now.

GARY: Same time next crisis?

BRIAN: Always.

MELISSA: I’ll bring shapewear.

KAREN: I’ll bring boundaries.

STEVE: I’ll bring the printer’s apology.

LINDA: Great. Perfect. We did it.