Silence is Betrayal

Natalie:

That night when her dad dropped her off, she would have never expected what was to come. She thought it would be just the regular get-together with her group of friends on a Friday night like usual. Things were happening behind the scenes that she didn’t know at the moment. But her friend always seemed to have the perfect life with perfect friends. Sometimes she felt as if she couldn’t even match up to the standards that she might have. So when the time came to walk into that room. With all eyes on her to share her week, it all came out. Well, most of it. Natalie stared at the semi-shocked faces when she finished. She hadn’t particularly mentioned Kaycee. But Natalie felt so bitter inside of her that she couldn’t keep it in. She sat and waited. The silence hung in the room like a bat from a cave. Nothing changed the fact of what had happened. No one knew what the words meant. Only those who conflicted understood it loud and clear. The room was silent for another second before it erupted in a conversation on another topic. The girl across the room held her gaze for a moment before conversing with someone else. At the time, Natalie didn’t know what she just started, but she would find out that very night. 

The house was quiet when she stepped in. The only voices that echoed throughout the halls were of her siblings. One was fighting about friends and the other about a remote. What a silly thing. How could it even matter? Not the remote, because that’s just silly. They sounded like they were in a physical fight, one with swords clashing against one another. Natalie sat listening to the wind rush through the leaves for a brief moment. Before the wind settled down and the rustling stopped. It felt as if something was wrong. Like something happened without her knowing. The thought didn’t stay for long when her sister came bustling into her room with a look of irritation. The sentence was quick and fast-paced. The words seemed to float in the air for a moment before dropping dead on the floor. “Kaycee was talking with her friends. She mentioned something you said about her and her friend. You shouldn’t be saying things like that, you embarrassed her in front of everyone”. Her stare was sharp and cold, and Natalie felt the words cut right through her heart. Everything slowed for a brief moment, then put her thoughts to a stop. Sometimes she said things too quickly for her to catch, but this time was different. She leaped up and followed her first instinct. Go straight to the computer and type an apology. Her fingers danced across the keyboard and slid to stop at the enter key. Maybe proofreading was the best idea, but with the ongoing conflict that stirred inside her, she sent the email. 

The email stayed for a total of 6 weeks before the following Monday rolled around. The words that Natalie typed the past echoed in her head, maybe to Kaycee what she said was wrong. There was no response. But also the fact that none of her past friendships lasted longer than two years or so decided the factor to implement that very fear into the email. That email seemed almost dangerous or more quite frankly, of what she said earlier. That morning was the same o’ schedule. Get up, eat breakfast, get ready for school, then take that bus. Then drive straight into an unknown day that awaits ahead of you. She watched from her seat as Kaycee walked in with a look of sadness when she sat down. Natalie wondered if the email tore such a huge hole in their friendship. The room was quiet except for the quiet stare at her. She recited the words that she typed on the night where everything seemed to fall apart. 

“I fear that of our friendship. I fear that not only it can end, but on how fragile it is. I’m not rejecting you or this. But I feel that we may need a break, and afterward regroup, I’m going to try and handle this alone. And I’m very sorry for what happened last night, I regret everything.”

~ Natalie

Well, it seemed that way. But she shook her head and removed those thoughts. Plus, maybe the problem wasn’t so bad. But then words that her fourth-period teacher once spoke came to her mind. She was talking about Vietnam at the time in class. It was the place where millions of people died for her country. It was also the place where draftees refused to join the cause. Maybe it’s because America was so busy trying to fix Vietnam that they couldn’t even see their pain happening from within. That’s how Natalie felt at that very moment. She was too focused on the pain from the past that she couldn’t see the very problem unfolding in front of her eyes. And the words that a social studies teacher once spoke came to her mind. She was talking about Vietnam. The place where millions of people died for her country. It was also the place where some draftees refused to join the war. Maybe it’s because America was so busy trying to fix Vietnam that they couldn’t even see their pain happening from inside their own country. Words that Martin Luther King Jr. once said came circling back to her. "There comes a time when silence is betrayal. Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."  

That’s how Natalie felt at that very moment. She had been too stubborn to recognize her fear. She was too focused on the pain from the past that she couldn’t see the main problem unfolding in front of her eyes. She stared blankly at the ceiling and watched the clock tick. How long was it supposed to be before she and Kaycee were talking again? Today was Monday. Two days... two days. Don’t apologize just yet. She glanced again at the clock. Give her time. But it’s already been so long. She wondered for a bit if Kaycee ever experienced rejection and if she thought that before was the complete end to their friendship. Once at home, it took the best of an hour to find an email that she sent Natalie once. Back at home, she rushed to open the computer and find the email. This was like she was in a rush against time to fix the issue before it intensified. Continually scrolling and scrolling before she saw it. At the very bottom of the screen, it was there. Forwarded from around a month ago. Something she never read, and it seemed like now more than ever that this was needed. She mumbled the words to herself several times to let it sink in. 

“I got dumped on the side of the road by my own friends. I thought I could trust them, and I was clinging to them. I never realized that they were doing things behind my back. Things that are hard to even think about here in the present. I wish and hope that this never happens to us. It’s not best to let our past mistakes and fears get in the way of what’s meaningful to us. Sometimes it takes someone or something to bring us back into reality. The funny thing is Nat that you’ve always wanted to know what happened. And you were there for me, in the hard times. That’s how we actually met. Let’s continue to be friends even through the hardest times of life. Stay strong.”

~ Kacyee

Natalie felt relief flowing through her body. There was still hope… Kaycee also felt the same fear as her. How come this email did show up before? She reached over and picked up the computer to type. What should she say though? Would Kaycee forgive her even though she answered too late? But there was no backing down now. She slid her fingers across the keyboard looking for the perfect word to start with. It felt like much time had passed before she hit the enter key. And this time. Instead of sending words of hurt, she sent words of support and strength... This time. Yes, finally. This time.

Kaycee: 

The words thundered in her heart. That was the last thing she needed. She felt anger burn inside of her. But she kept the fire down so that no one would notice. It felt as if everyone was watching her. Yet in reality, they weren’t. She didn’t say anything to Natalie and wanted to keep it that way. Part of her expected an apology right away, but it just seemed that Natalie had no idea about what she said. So she waited and kept silent about the whole situation. Kaycee didn’t mean to avoid her, but her feet had other ideas. But how could she help not to stare at Natalie during classes? She did indeed try to bury the anger deep inside and throw it away. But with her moving to Massachusetts in the summer and the constant arguments at home within her family. How could she not be mad? It’s like this one problem just bothered her and added to the frustrations even more. 

Later on, she just sat staring at the email in disbelief. She read one of the lines over and over again.

“But I feel that we may need a break and I’m going to try and handle this alone.” 

Weren’t friends supposed to help each other through difficult times in life? Why wasn’t this friendship like that? Kaycee’s seen many friendships in her school where the girls comforted one another. Sighing she shut her Chromebook. What was so different about Natalie compared to her other friends? She seemed so different compared to others that Kaycee knew. She paused and stopped to think for a moment. Maybe she was the problem. Did Kaycee remind Natalie of some of her old friends? She’s heard Natalie talk about them before, but not much. She sat and stared at her calendar wondering about how long this fight would be. If she knew that it would last about half a month she would’ve made up sooner.

The clock ticked repeatedly in English. It seemed to drag on for ages before the bell finally rang. She stared up at the time and muttered something that even she forgot. Kaycee stared at the empty seat where her friend was supposed to sit. Where was she? Before she could even finish a thought, her teacher interrupted her with a question about what they were learning. “Kaycee, can you come up to the board and write what you think about this quote?”. She glanced at the board and saw a quote listed that she hadn’t heard of before. 

“Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

• Anonymous

She went up and paused for a moment to think about what to put. This was just like what happened before. She was in a room with people watching her, yet her friend wasn’t there. She was alone. With nothing to hold to but the marker she held. Finally, she understood, it didn’t matter what happened to her. There was something different about her, a good difference. And Kaycee couldn't expect her to be perfect. She just wanted her friend back, and this time was going to be different. But Natalie. Natalie, Natalie, Natalie. She stated something like this once when discussing a verse. Something that fits the moment. It was something that went like this: “When angry, do not sin; do not your wrath last until the sun goes down.” That was from the chapter of Ephesians. Soon, she found herself writing precisely what her friend had said. And she felt bad when she turned around, and remembered that Natalie wasn’t sitting there. 

This time she opened up her Chromebook and started typing to her. She hoped deep down that she would be forgiven and Natalie would know that this problem needed to be addressed. The silence wasn't the best answer, all that method gave Kaycee was a heart full of guilt and sadness. If their friendship were to last past problems that would, later on, be even bigger than this. Then they needed to get together again and build a strong foundation. And all it took was one step.

"Yes we can, but I'm afraid that if we don't address the problems in our friendship. Another fight in the future can be the end of it. Think about it please, we need to have a strong foundation for this friendship so that when the storms come and the winds beat. It will not be shaken. And no matter what I myself will never let this friendship go, and you can guarantee that. We will always be friends no matter what, and let's forgive one another. I am extremely sorry for this. And I hope that in your heart you can forgive me. Let's meet up and talk about this. Maybe it's time we took our problems face to face."

~ Kaycee 

Her hands shook tremulously, she reached for the mouse and clicked send.