wings where my arms used to be

please note this story talks about death and implies self harm.

Anastasia

“I always imagined her walking down the aisle. When I imagined her coming down the aisle, I didn’t imagine her in a casket. The grief has hit me fully . It has hit me that I will not get those ‘firsts’ with her at all. It has hit me that I will NEVER see the love of my life walk down the aisle to say “I do”. I will never get to kiss the love of my life ever again, only in my dreams. Only when we meet again, in the next life. Hopefully she is waiting for me the same way I am waiting, and hoping, for some miracle, that she will return back home to me. She can be covered in sand and dirt from crawling out of that grave, and I wouldn't hesitate to run back into her arms if she were to pitch up on my doorstep and say “I'm home baby!” I would give anything to see her smile again, to feel those arms that once kept me safe, now replaced by wings. Those blue ocean eyes that I once got lost in,now leave me utterly adrift. A love that feels like it will take an eternity to get back. I keep telling myself that it isn't goodbye forever. It's just goodbye for now. I Love You with everything left in me my beautiful angel Love from your Ziana"

That was the eulogy given by my fiancé at my funeral. Full of emotion. No one knew what I was dealing with. No one expected me to be gone so soon. No one expected to see me being carried in a casket down the aisle of a church for my final goodbyes that I would never get to say back. She truly was the best partner and I loved her with my body, heart and soul to death. That will never change, Alive or alive in spirit.

The very first time I had met Ziana, I never thought she’d one day be the reason I’d learn what it means to live fully and die loved. We had met at the rehearsals for a drama club we were a part of. Ziana was confident, loud and everything I shouldn't have fallen for. I didn't mean to stare but she laughed like she didn't care who was watching. When our eyes met, she stared back with what felt like a death stare, sparking a tension between us. I didn’t hate her, but I didn't like her. Only when she complimented me, calling me pretty, did I lower my guard, a rare act for someone who rarely let anyone in. Her presence calmed me instantly like my mind finally found a home. We soon found a way to work through that tension and realize that we were both simply just waiting patiently to be loved. We became extremely close. Who could've guessed that the one I once saw as an enemy would steal my heart so completely? It was crazy. I didn't know that she would be the one to help me through almost all of my battles. She may have missed the first, but she was undeniably there for the last. I never meant to leave her; I was just running out of time and love was the only thing left that I could give her. I was fading before her, praying she wouldn't notice it in the eyes she claimed she could always read.

Ziana

The first time I looked at Anastasia, the only thought running through my mind was her beauty and why she knew my friends? Was she trying to take them away? But her beautiful blonde hair and her beautiful blue eyes, I couldn't resist looking at her. When I snapped out of my thoughts, she was staring back defensively, so naturally my personality reacted in the same way except I had to be more fierce because I wasn't going to let her win that easily. I wasn't planning on letting her win at all. I'm not the type to lose a fight. Somehow after a while we realized we weren't all that bad and soon became extremely close. The funny thing about my Anastasia is that she swore up and down that she was the straightest person I'd ever meet, somehow I got her to fall for me. She may have fallen first, but I crashed even harder. Not long after, we started dating. Even if someone had warned me back then that the girl with the ocean eyes would someday drown me in her absence, I still would've let her pull me under.

Anastasia

Ziana and I had been dating for a couple of months now. She learned everything about me, every scar and all my fears, including my quiet panic. I may have seemed happy to the rest of the people but Ziana knew me too well. It was both comforting and terrifying how easily she could read my eyes. She sometimes knew long before I did when something was wrong. When I was hurt or overwhelmed, I didn't cope in the best ways. My mental and physical scars were stories I never wanted to tell, yet she treated them like they were chapters worth loving anyway. She always welcomed me with open arms and always nurtured me so I could grow. She was the strongest person I knew, when life gave her the choice to break others or herself, she chose herself every time. She had a way of hiding her true pain to make me happy. She always put the ones she loved first. I hate that she didn't have the choice of being strong. It was forced upon her by everything and everyone around her. She was my angel. She helped me through so much.

When I had first told her about my dreams and how I wanted to go to college over 3000 kilometers away, I thought she would beg me to stay, instead she was my biggest supporter and told me I would be stupid to stay behind for her sake. That is the moment I knew that she loved me more than I could ever imagine. And that is when I knew I had found my soulmate. She supported every dream I had and she encouraged me to grow. We at least got plenty of time together before I left for college. The goodbye was the hardest I’d ever faced. Saying bye to the person who played a huge role in shaping me wasn't on my wishlist but it was a battle we faced and conquered. I remember that day, I had said goodbye to all of my family, friends and her. I walked through the gate and made it only a few steps before turning around to run into her warm embrace and the safety of her forehead kisses for the last time until I got to see her again. And then I had to walk through that gate. A guilt settled in my chest like I was abandoning the life I loved most.

Ziana

Anastasia was quite something. I had found her in a deep hole that seemed like no rope could ever reach the bottom where she was trapped. Although she liked to say that she let her guard down easy with me, it was still a fight to get there. She had built walls as high as mount Everest around her heart, after you get over Everest you are met with chains and locks that had no keys. I could've walked away but luckily I won every fight right? This definitely wasn't going to be the first one I lost. I was grateful for her. She supported my goals too. It was hard to find someone who wasn't jealous of my achievements and someone who supported them as much as she did. That was something truly cherished about her. I supported her dreams as much as I could and she did the same for me. She was my motivation.

Her dreams were my dreams too. Even if it brought me pain. She told me about college. My heart sank and emotions ran through my head. It was terrifying. I loved her too much to beg her to stay. I know that this would be important for her. This opportunity was for her but for us at the same time. Even though it pained me to say bye and let her go, I sucked up my emotions and told her to go. I never thought I would find myself loving someone so much as to let them fly over 3000 kilometers away but I knew we would make it. I knew that it wasn't forever. Right?

Then came the day I had been dreading. Her send off. She said goodbye to everyone there but I was the only one she turned around to run back to although that moment broke me so much, I had to let her go but I knew once she came back I wasn't letting her go again. I couldn't.

Anastasia

After 3 long years of studying and all the phone calls and plane rides. The final one came where I got to run into her arms and never let go. I was here to stay this time. We were 21 when I got back. I couldn't wait to see the love of my life again. She had told me she had a surprise for me. I remember on the plane ride home all I could think about was the long lasting cuddles and the skin to skin contact I'd get to feel again. I liked the idea of the surprise but I wanted to just be in my baby's arms more than anything. When I arrived at the airport she was the only one who knew the proper day I was landing. I had told the rest of the people that the date was a week later. I just needed time with her.

As soon as I saw her I ran straight into her arms and I didn't wait. She picked me up and I wrapped my legs around her and didn't hesitate to kiss her. I couldn't stop the happy tears from falling down my face. I was filled with so many emotions and I just wanted to cherish this moment forever. There was no way in hell that I would leave my baby ever again. She stood there with a red rose and she also couldn't control the happy tears. We didn't rush the moment, we enjoyed every second of it. She then helped me carry the bags to her car. I was extremely tired and she could tell, her being amazing she loaded the bags in the car and made me sit in the car. I was extremely out of breath and thank goodness she hadn't taken much notice of it. We started driving but the route seemed different, she told me not to worry so I didn't. We soon pulled up to a fancy looking house and the gate opened. She then told me this was the surprise. I thought it was a fancy guest house she had booked for the week but it turns out she had bought us a home and had already decorated it and all. I was so happy I started crying immediately. After I had settled into our new house a bit more we cuddled for hours before she said

“ Hey baby, I know you are tired from your flight but I planned a date and your outfit is awaiting you in the bathroom.”

I changed and got ready. I managed to hide the fatigue pretty well along with my other symptoms.

Ziana

I was beyond excited that my baby was coming home today. It finally felt like forever was about to start. Although I was excited, I was also filled with nerves. I was going to show her the new house and it was the day I had planned to propose to her. I couldn't wait any longer. I had to make her my wife. We have been dating for 6 years now. It was time to start our life. The whole day felt like a blur. We met at the airport. I brought her home and we cuddled. That was just about as much as I remember. I remember her ranting about all the features of the new house and all the furniture but that is as much as I can recall from before I dropped to one knee and asked her to be my wife. I had bought her a beautiful black silky dress that fit her body so elegantly. She let her hair down and wore a natural make up look.I wore a black suit just how she liked it and my hair up in a slick back bun. I took her down to the beach where I had set out a picnic and a flying lantern because I knew she liked them. We sat and spoke for a while and ate and I noticed she was a bit off but I blamed it on my nerves. It was about to happen. I dropped to one knee and pulled out the ring, the speech was a blur to me. But all I know is she had said yes! We were both emotional and crying happy tears. We went home. Finally we slept together after waiting so long to be in each others embrace and feeling each others skin and the love and lust we had been keeping bottled up and waiting for.

Anastasia

I was finally a Fiancé! No words could describe the way I was feeling! Although I was excited I was keeping the huge secret of my illness and my state from Ziana. I wasn't expecting the proposal, it just made it harder to tell her I only had a little bit of time left. After the engagement a couple of days had gone by and I had gotten more sick. It was visible now. After reaching Ziana’s safety I couldn't hide it anymore or fight it. I wasn't afraid of dying, I was afraid of what it would do to her.

Ziana

It came out of nowhere. We were in our room, laying in bed I was holding her tight and she kissed me and laid her head on my chest, it felt like she had just surrendered. I held her tightly before she whispered her final words. I wish I had known it was her final moments. I would've done more.

Anastasia

I couldn't fight any longer. I just needed my baby's arms.

“ Zi… you are always going to be my favorite part of being alive. I need you to promise me that you will hold me a little longer even if i fall asleep, just kiss me and wait with me, keep talking to me, i want to remember what my home feels and sounds like. And I need you to promise that you will hold on to the good memories of us even if one day you're holding them alone. I Love You with my body, heart and soul to death…”

Ziana

Those were her last words. I shook her and cried over her body trying to wake her up. Nothing brought her back.

I watched her lifeless body being carried down an aisle that we never reached and said my eulogy to her instead of my vow. I waited patiently for everyone to leave and I laid some roses on her grave. I stood alone here in the rain crying and it felt as though she was with me. It felt like her tears falling from above. I laid down on her grave and hoped she would reach out to hold me. I couldn't lay there silent but I didn't have words to fight.

“Baby, every part of me is screaming your name and you're the only one who can't answer…”