Flowers for Ashes

Flowers for Ashes

Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped off here on the way home after killing the dog. The place is a nightmare, parking sucked especially that one moron with his flashers going even though he was driving straight ahead. People look happy but they’re really probably unhappy deep inside, just putting on a good show of it, so glad my family never told me to act different than I feel. One good thing but then there were the drugs and alcohol. 

That whole “opioid epidemic” thing-- a misnomer if ever I heard one. Like it’s actually an “epidemic”, like you can catch addiction like TB? “Hey, cover your mouth when you sneeze, I don’t want to get hooked on heroin and miss the 8:30 curtain at the Met.” Yeah, right—best double positive negative EVER. Wish I didn’t have this double-negative thing: the judge refused to grant an injunction to the protesters. What does that even mean? How did I pass biochemistry with all those enzymes?

Great, I’m finally inside Trader Joe’s. Mobbed, as usual. Everyone here looks like under 50 for sure. I’m the only crone in sight wanna help me push my cart dearie? Too early to let the gomers in? It wasn’t too early to kill our dog. Why do they kill dogs early in the day? Probably the vet doesn’t want too many sobbing people for the after-work crowd—they’d feel even sadder after a day doing a job they hate. So glad I’m retired. Work sucks.

Those flowers look sick, I’m not buying any. Last thing we need today. They’d go on the dining room table oh God that’s right next to where CeCe likes liked to sit. She’ll never lie there again. It was hard to eat food we can’t couldn’t give her there at the end. 

At least we get to save money from all that fancy dog food, probably 30 dollars every month, hey we can eat out more often but not great, restaurant food has too much fat and sugar. If I could choose, I’d take high cholesterol over high sugar, at least docs know something about hearts, not so much about diabetes. Diabetes and dog food.

Choosing, let’s do this, what do we need?

Speaking of cholesterol…wow is that woman fat! How’d she ever get a job working here, no but I shouldn’t think of it as amazing, should think, it’s good for her! Don’t they have to lift things though? How could she do that? Oh, she’s got a special badge on, probably works in customer service or something.She’s “Kelli.” What’s “Kell” short for? Kelandria? No—that would be a black name, like my students had. I miss black people, I miss the South so much.The sounds. Apostrophes in weird places, hyphens that don’t make sense. Wanting unique names, not like us. We’ve got names like “Harrison”, “Chelsea”, “Madison”, all those names of places what’s cool about that? Like, we should have named our son “Stockholm” because Mats is from Sweden?Yeah, right.

Maybe forget the cheese, there’re too many people over there.They’re mostly fat, too. OK, well but, Mats likes Havarti, guess I better push through though. Tonight will be especially awful for him, no dog to talk to while we have wine and cheese at the coffee table, the only thing that little bitch destroyed, except for every ballpoint pen that came her way. A non-chewer, one advantage to an older dog. There’s a stuffed dog in one of the kids’ rooms that looks like CeCe, we could put it on the floor under the table during wine and cheese, talk to it like normal.“Woof woof. “Good girl! Oh, look she’s wagging her tail…” Like Psycho, talking to a stuffed dog.Anthony Perkins in Phaedra, he was so hot.

Speaking of mothers. And sugar and fat. Mom’s sugar was off the charts just before she died oh those doctors were such incompetents. Crazy that the most you could get for malpractice was $50,000, all about the dead person’s money value. What’s an old lady’s babysitting time worth? Mom would have loved CeCe, we always had a dog at home. I still feel guilty for leaving that front door open. Dachshunds, cars: no contest.

I’ll just get the basics, no need to torture myself with a huge shopping right now. Cheese, avocados, pre-cooked chicken. I don’t feel like cooking tonight, just pick out some semi-healthy stuff that’s not too sweet. Even though TJ acts like it’s healthy food, if you look at the label, the sugar content is SO high. You have to practically be a doctor to go shopping these days. Reading labels, pain in the ass. Yes, I’ll be here a minute longer. What’s your issue? 

Oh, here’s Kelli talking to a customer, the woman’s freaking out about something. They’re blocking the aisle, of course.  Why is everyone on Long Island always so worked up about everything? She’s whining about yoghurt. Get a grip, lady, there’s three kinds here to choose from, just move on. Kelli’s actually smiling at that ogre! I’ll go around them. 

Why are shopping carts so heavy? Probably so they can’t get sued when one falls over and traps a baby underneath.  What does Kelli do in the evenings? No dates, that’s for sure. She’s too fat. That customer has a family of four that she tortures on a regular basis, husband probably cheating on her, oldest son doing coke in his bedroom, but hey, she’s a model of success in our times. She’s a bitch, Kelly’s nice, unfair but go figure.

Just a few more things. Coffee, peanut butter with chia seeds I’d like to get one of those chia pets just because of the name, no replacement for you, CeCe, so don’t even think it! A package of frozen shrimp, closest we’ve found to the shrimp Mats grew up with in Sweden, tasteless to me but you can add Old Bay and some garlic and it’s quick.Good for tonight and no leftovers.Sad that CeCe hardly ever got a bone to chew on or even a piece of steak even before she got sick. She was so sick at the end.

I’m not crying in this f-ing store. NOT!

She looked so sad, so bad, at the end there. Ears down, just lying on the table. Patiently, except maybe not the right word since what she was waiting for wasn’t something she’d be likely to want. Dogs just don’t know what’s coming. Better off that way, is it really better that we live our lives dreading death?

I’m so glad I didn’t stay all the way through. And that she had Mats and Karl with her. They’re both doctors, dad and son, they’ve seen death.Not me. Not yet. Seeing that needle in her right arm, leg I guess, was almost too much, it was time to leave by then. Karl took my arm, opened the door, said, “Mom, you should wait outside now.” So grateful for him. Not great to be in the big waiting room crying, but it was OK in the corner by the coffee machine. They were crying too when they came out a couple of minutes later. Wow that was fast.They said she just went to sleep.The vet was nice.

Tears here in a grocery store, they’ll think I’m crying over spilt milk, haha. Better finish up. 

Oh God, the lines are incredible! Here, this one looks good. Kelli’s at the cash register, they must have had to pull everyone in to check people out.Why don’t they just hire more people?Oh yeah, that’d cost MONEY, take away from the bottom line, wow unions are in such bad shape. If we’d had a teachers’ union in Atlanta, I’d’ve been better off now with money. I’ve heard that TJ has good labor policies, pay a decent wage and don’t treat them like dogs. 

We always treated CeCe well. I hope.

Kelli’s being nice to customers, even that yoghurt woman who was on her case. Nice smile. If she could only lose some weight. Weight Watchers doesn’t really work, last I heard. Worked for me, pretty much. I’ve only got 5,915 steps today, have to get in some exercise somehow later.

Wonder if Kelli’s tried anything more surgical? She could qualify for it. She’s moving the line long really fast, keeping her cool. I could never do that. Customer service, not my thing. Although, people could be pretty nasty when I was teaching.Especially Teri and Adrian.

Can we please just get along here? Now that old guy is arguing about a price. Why bother, everyone shopping here is rich enough to afford lettuce, for God’s sake. Kelli’s calling over a supervisor, now she has to go check something. At least the yoghurt fanatic is gone. I’m next but one. Come on, come on! I just want to go home and cry. Wash the dishes, take the rest of the fancy dog food to the pound. Put away Cece’s leash and bowl. Why didn’t we do that this morning before we left the house?Maybe we thought, she might get cured instead of killed today.

Finally, finally, I’m putting my stuff on the belt. Kelli’s smiling. Cheese, shrimp—hand lotion? I never buy that kind of stuff at TJ!  Food, yeah. Bathroom stuff, never. I’m brainless today. OK whatever. Ready to pay.

Credit card into machine the right way. Kelli asks me, “So how’s your day going?”

Why not let her have the truth, she asked for it.

“Not great. I just came from the vet’s. We had to put our dog down this morning.”

Kelli’s face sags sort of, she says, “Oh, I’m so sorry!”Great, now she’s going to tell me about her dearly departed pet dog, that opposite-of-empathy parallel-play BS that’s only about her.

“Yes,” I say. “Not good at all.” Come on, come on, I can’t wait to get out of here.

Kelli looks around, old people and their pets, right. Probably thinks I might start crying OMG whatever would she do? Never seen tears before in your life, Missy? She walks to the end of the belt and grabs a woman with an even bigger badge than hers that says “Julie.” Now they’re talking. Julie’s walking away.  

Am I on a wanted list or something? Card not OK? All I need is more complications.

Kelli says. “I want to show you something. Julie’s getting it.”

What could she—Kelli the store clerk—possibly want to show me—an impatient customer? I’m a former college professor! I’m smarter than her. Thinner, too.I don’t care about the latest, greatest deal on mayonnaise. Weird, weird.

Oh, Julie’s back. What’s she got? Oh wow—a big bouquet of flowers, reds and yellows. Angiosperms. Lilies, maybe, I never really learned flower names. Why’s she giving them to Kelli?

Oh no. Not this.She’s holding them out to me.

“For you. To make today a little easier.”

The flowers are so cool in my hands, my face feels good in them.

Tears at Trader Joes, I guess Kelli takes them in stride. “So sorry,” she says. She’s really careful putting the flowers in the top of my shopping bag next to the shrimp. Hope they stay cool there until I get home.

Her hand in mine is cool, too. Strange that it has a warm pressure though. 

Better put the ticket in the raffle box on the way out, I always forget to do that. Look at that young kid: probably lost his favorite toy. Like I did, in the furnace by accident when I was three. Cute girl, sad though, maybe just failed a big test.I never got very nervous about tests.That old guy looking down…maybe just found out his wife has cancer. 30 years ago now for me, knock wood good this raffle box is wood.

Long drive home, traffic will be impossible. Oh shit, it’s raining.

But I, I, I got flowers. They’ll look so great on the table above where CeCe lies used to lie. Like decorating her grave. 

I don’t want to drive with tears in my eyes but now I’m smiling at the same time. Thanks, Kelli.