There

“See. Empty.”

Bob motions with his left hand, holding up a well-worn brown leather wallet, and then, with his index and middle and finger, splays it wide open like he’s fingering a cunt. He shakes it hard. Mark pretends NOT to notice.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what? I need gas.”

“It’s an electric car.”

“It’s a hybrid. I need $20.”

“I don’t have $20.”

“Look, Mark, I know you have $20.”

“You know how?”

“Look, I just know.”

“I’m NOT giving you $20.”

“Then give me drugs.”

“Are you insane?”

“Give me drugs or $20.”

“I thought you needed gas.”

“I do need gas.”

“But you’re going to buy drugs?”

“NOT if you have sum to give me.”

“If I had drugs, I wouldn’t be giving them to you. Besides, what’s $20 gonna get you?”

“Ecstasy.”

“Who is selling you ecstasy for $20 a pill? ”

“My roommate. Look, we don’t have time for this. I need to return the car by 3 or he gets really pissed.”

“Can you please loan me $20?”

“I don’t have $20, Robert, and if I did, you’d just buy some nasty-ass ecstasy pill, so screw off.”

“Mark, look, I know you’re lying. I’m NOT going to say how, but I just know.”

“How long have I known you? I’ve only lied three times since being in Los Angeles, and none of those times were to you.”

“So you admit that you lie.”

“Of course everyone does. It cannot be helped. It’s part of an inherent human condition, and anyone who says they don’t lie is a liar. But I have a condition. I’m a pathological truth-teller, and that’s just as fucked up as being a pathological liar. Probably worse.”

“Duke told me he owed you $20 and gave it to you last night."

"C’mon. Just let me have it.”

“Wow. So, even if that were true, what makes you so certain it's NOT already spent on cat food and black-tar Heroin?”

“Well, because that transaction would have had to occur sometime between last night and today. I called you early this morning, remember? You said you were up late and going back to sleep, so that means you probably slept past noon, and you weren’t even dressed when I got here 20 minutes ago, so you likely never went out. So, I can reasonably deduce that you still have the $20.”

“Wow. Perry Mason with a stick up her ass. You go, girl. I don’t have the $20.”

“Then where did you spend it?”

“OMG.”

“OMG what?”

“Robert, I don’t owe you an explanation.”

“Yeah, you kind of do.”

“Are you fucking out of your mind? How can you even say that?”

“I can say whatever I want.”

“Apparently. I’m going to walk away.”

“Go ahead. But that doesn’t mean anything, does it? Besides, where the fuck are you gonna go?”

“Goodbye.”

“Mark, where are you going?”

“Inside. Fuck you, Robert.”

Mark walks up the driveway toward the house, Robert maneuvering in front of him.

“Mark!”

“Unbelievable. If I give you $20, then what?”

“I already told you.”

“Why am I even speaking to you?”

“Because you’re my best friend.”

“I think I need to call 911.”

“Mark.”

“Robert.”

“I’m the first guy you kissed in Los Angeles.”

“I’m on a long list of your firsts, Robert.”

“Are you saying I’m some sort of man-slut?”

“Robert, will you leave me alone, please?”

“Mark, will you give me $20, please?”

“You realize this is harassment.”

“Then give me the $20 and it will be over.”

“I don’t have $20 to give you.”

“But we both know that’s a lie.”

“No, technically, it’s the fucking truth.”

“What do you mean, technically? You either have it or you don’t.”

“And I’m telling you I don’t.”

“But you said technically.”

“Correct.”

“So what does that mean?”

“It means this morning I had $20. Now I don’t.”

“What happened to it?”

“Doug took it.”

“The $20?”

“My entire wallet.”

“He took your wallet?”

“That’s correct.”

“When? Doug wouldn’t do that.”

“Wanna bet?”

"He was here this morning before you.”

For the first time that afternoon, Mark and Robert sense an awkward silence hanging in the hazy late-afternoon Los Angeles air.

“Call him.”

“OK. I’ll call him.”

“Call Doug.”

“I’m calling Doug now.”

Robert takes out his iPhone and pretends to punch in numbers. Mark and Robert exchange disingenuous glances.

“Hi, Doug. It’s Bob. Mark says he gave you $20.”

“He took my wallet.”

“Mark says you took his wallet. His place. An hour, maybe less. OK. See you there. What? Sure. OK, I will. Bye.

“Doug says he didn’t take your wallet.”

“Let me speak with him, please?”

“Sorry. He hung up.”

“Call him back.”

“Battery died.”

“What? Your battery, what?”

“That’s correct.”

“Your battery? On your phone? It died?”

“That’s what I just said.”

“You are a piece of work.”

Robert flashes a cracked piece-of-shit phone to Mark to look at for a fraction before pulling it away. Robert appears to Mark fractured, in a way he hadn't before.

“Dead. See?”

“Dead. Just like you if you don’t give me that $20.”

“Ok, what is this ALL about?”

“Fine. Have it your way, motherfucker.”

“But I’m not leaving here without that $20.”

“I thought you had to return the car by 3.”

“Ok, maybe there’s a lesson here.”

“If that’s what you want.”

“You know, something bigger than the both of us?”

“You think?”

“A karmic transaction.”

“Look, I’m ALL about good karma and shit, but that’s not going to cut it. I need cash.”

“I think we can work this out.”

“That would be great, Mark. It really would.”

“I can take you to the ATM.”

“Doug has my wallet.”

“Oh, that’s right.”

“This will be a karmic transaction.”

“As long as there’s cash involved.”

“Yes, I’ll give you $20, but it’s karma.”

“Fine.”

“Look, whatever you do with the $20 is your business, but I need you to be upfront with me, always.”

“Seriously, I’m getting gas. Actually, the gas station is farther than my house, so I’m just gonna give the $20 to my roommate.”

“Robert. I just need you to be straight up with me.”

“I really appreciate this.”

Mark gives Robert a look that would be considered discernible had their conversation been anything other than what it was that afternoon. Mark wanders into the house and retrieves a Coke from the refrigerator. Before returning outside, he lights up a torch, flames his pookie, and takes a hit of crystal.

“Now, look, here’s the condition.”

“Look, man, I gotta go. It’s almost 3.”

“This is a karmic transaction. That’s the condition of me giving you this $20. This transaction will erase whatever karmic debt I have with you.”

“In that case, you better make it $100.”

Mark finally feels the warm flame of affection that he’s always felt for his friend Robert and holds out a folded $20 bill between his index and middle fingers.

“Look, I don’t know if that’s even a thing, but it’s the only thing that seems to make any sense whatsoever at the moment.”

Robert opens his sweaty palm.

“I guess so.”

“There.”