Homemade Complete Excise

Contains: Sexual violence, physical violence, gore, or abuse

Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

The heartbeat in her chest was very loud to her ears.

Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

The adrenaline in her body was leaving the way to her fear and the awareness of what happened was kicking in.

As her mind cleared off, she started seeing her hands: there was just red. This intense red that was even fascinating to her eyes. Realizing that it was blood, she got scared and and let go whatever she was gripping at, one thing at each hand. Falling down, the first one that reached the floor made a metallic sound, while the other one made a sound that was similar to a tender steak hitting a surface. As her eyes were starting to get filled with tears, she couldn’t see what she’s dropped, but she started to get conscious about herself and her surrounding: she was sat down on the floor, with her back against at some furniture in the kitchen, and she felt her scalp hurting, as someone pulled her hair.

With tears dropping from her face, she struggled to get up and she washed away all the blood she had on her hands. Feeling the viscousity of the blood she got shivers and she kept on crying, sobbing, with no possibility to control it.

Once the blood was no longer on her hands and she started to feel her skin as always while rubbing her hands, she used the soap to clean them and then she washed her face too.

Doing so, her brain had the possibility to calm down a bit.

She wiped her tears and took some deep breath with the eyes closed.

When her breath finally got more regular, she grasped all her courage and she decided to face the situation.

Looking at the place she was sat before, she saw a human figure on the floor in a fetal position, a big knife stained by blood that she recognized as the one she usually use to cut meat, and this thing that really looked like a… penis? With the little shock she had actually realizing it was a male genital part and that it was not attached to any, well, body, her brain started to receive and process the sound once again.

She realized to hear this suffering noise which she noticed coming from the human on the floor.

She got nearby and kneeled. As she saw his face everything that happened came like a violent slap to her consciousness.

That male in front of her wanted to rape her.

He wanted to have oral sex, so he grabbed her hair after she refused, he pushed her to keep her under control and doing so she hit the kitchen furniture, loosing her balance she fall sat on the floor. There everything happened quickly: while he was focused on just a single goal, she tried to kept his pelvis away with her left hand while searching for anything with her right had. She luckily reached her kitchen knife for meat and with that she performed a homemade complete excise.

Seeing the blood and hearing his scream of pain, she blacked out.

Now that everything was clear to her, she started to fix that person that was a man, if a loathsome person like that can be called like that. He was keeping his hands in the middle of his legs, probably trying to keep the blood inside, moaning.

In her mind there was chaos: call an ambulance and face her crime while keeping him alive? Help him? Run away? Kill him, hide the corpse and clean everything?

While her thoughts kept spinning, she noticed that his groaning became more feeble. His eyes became like magnets to hers and she kept looking at him, no more able to think at anything but to watch his life leaving his body.

It took a while to her to realize that he was dead and to avert her look from his lifeless eyes.

I’ve killed a person. she thought.

She got scared and jumped upright, shocked once again.

What should I do? This is terrible, I’ve killed a person! I’ve killed a person! she thought screaming in her mind while letting out a sound of distress from her mouth.

She sat down on a char.

Am I a monster now? I haven’t done a thing to save him, I’ve just looked at him. I’m terrible, how could I? she kept tormenting herself, her hands in her air, with a desperate look on her face.

Wait, am I the real monster, here? I’m not the one that started everything and that cornered me, am I wrong? Is he the person that lost his humanity once he started forcing me to do his will? Aww, I think we both did wrong. Yes, we totally did wrong on different ways. But, hey, I’ve let a man die! Oh no, have I lost my humanity, my ability to empathise with others? To forgive? Am I wrong here? Will I burn to hell just because I fought back? Could I actually forgive something like that? Something like he was going to do to me?

I think that all these does not matter right now. I’ve killed a person and that’s it, I cannot be forgiven. It does not matter whose fault is and who started it all, it just matters what I did as I’m still here, and what I can do now. What am I going to do right now? Does confessing and face consequences give my humanity back? Do I have lost it forever? Will hide everything clean me from my faults? Let’s be honest, I really think, deep down, that hiding everything will change nothing about the image the society have about me, but I’ll be always haunted by these facts for sure.

I really can’t set my mind on a solution. Actually, there could be more that right now I can’t think of. For example, another possible solution is to… die with him. But this seems to me an extreme one and I really think that I’m not willing to do it. I haven’t killed him on purpose and I didn’t enjoyed it, thus I haven’t lost my humanity, right?