THE ADMINISTRATIVE AFTERLIFE OF MARGARET P. BLIGH

1. Monday, 9:12 a.m. – Voicemail

From: Unknown Number

Transcription (automated):

> “Good morning, Ms. Bligh. This is the Department of Transitional Logistics. We regret to inform you that you have died. Please report to Afterlife Processing Center B at your earliest convenience. Bring two forms of ID and any outstanding library books. Thank you.”

Margaret Bligh replayed the message twice, then once more for the cat, who seemed unimpressed.

She had not died. She was quite sure of this. She had just made tea.

---

2. Monday, 9:17 a.m. – Outgoing Call

To: Department of Transitional Logistics (DTL)

Automated Voice:

“Your call is important to us. Estimated wait time: 47 minutes.”

Margaret:

“Oh, for—”

Automated Voice:

“Did you know you can resolve most post‑mortem issues online? Visit—”

Margaret:

“I’m not post‑mortem!”

Automated Voice:

“—www.afterlife.gov/help.”

Margaret hung up.

---

3. Monday, 9:21 a.m. – Email

From: Margaret P. Bligh

To: support@afterlife.gov

Subject: Re: I Am Not Dead

Hello,

I received a voicemail informing me that I have died. I have not. I am writing this email, which I believe would be difficult if I were deceased.

Please correct your records.

Regards,

Margaret Bligh

---

4. Monday, 9:22 a.m. – Auto‑Reply

From: support@afterlife.gov

Subject: Ticket #A‑11382 Received

Thank you for contacting the Department of Transitional Logistics.

Your death is important to us.

A representative will respond within 3–5 business days.

---

Margaret stared at the screen. Three to five business days. She could be dead by then, at this rate.

---

5. Monday, 10:03 a.m. – Text Message

From: Daughter – LUCY

> Mum, did you die? I got an email from something called “Estate Pre‑Processing.” They want your forwarding address.

Margaret:

> I AM NOT DEAD.

Lucy:

> Okay but they sound very sure.

Margaret:

> Bureaucracies are always sure. That’s the problem.

Lucy:

> Should I cancel the milk delivery?

Margaret:

> Absolutely not.

---

6. Monday, 11:40 a.m. – Incoming Call

Caller ID: Department of Transitional Logistics

Margaret:

“Finally! Listen, there’s been a mistake—”

DTL Agent (bored, nasal):

“Name?”

“Margaret Patricia Bligh.”

“Date of birth?”

“1958.”

“Cause of death?”

“I’m not dead!”

A pause. Typing.

“Hmm. According to our system, you died at 8:42 this morning.”

“I was eating porridge at 8:42.”

“Cause of death listed as ‘administrative oversight.’”

“Excuse me?”

“It happens. Paperwork gets filed. People get processed. You know how it is.”

“I do not know how it is, because I am alive.”

“Well, you say that, but the system—”

“The system is wrong.”

Another pause. More typing.

“Have you tried turning yourself off and on again?”

“I BEG your pardon?”

“Sometimes the living/dead status gets stuck. A quick reboot usually—”

“I am not a router!”

“Ma’am, please lower your voice. The dead are very sensitive.”

Margaret hung up before she committed an actual murder.

---

7. Monday, 1:15 p.m. – Email

From: Estate Pre‑Processing mailto:noreply@afterlife.gov (afterlife.gov in Bing)

Subject: URGENT: Asset Liquidation

Dear Ms. Bligh,

As part of your transition to the Afterlife, your earthly assets will be liquidated within 24 hours. This includes:

- Your home

- Your savings

- Your cat (if applicable)

If you believe this is in error, please contact the Department of Transitional Logistics.

Warm regards,

Estate Pre‑Processing Team

---

Margaret reread the line about the cat.

“Oh no you don’t,” she muttered.

---

8. Monday, 1:17 p.m. – Outgoing Call

To: Estate Pre‑Processing

Agent:

“Estate Pre‑Processing, how may I help you transition today?”

Margaret:

“You will NOT liquidate my cat.”

Agent:

“Name?”

“Margaret Bligh.”

Typing.

“Oh! You’re the one who died incorrectly.”

“I did not die at all.”

“Well, that’s not what it says here.”

“Fix it.”

“Unfortunately, only the Department of Transitional Logistics can reverse a death.”

“I’ve spoken to them. They told me to reboot myself.”

“That’s standard advice.”

“It is NOT standard advice!”

“Ma’am, please calm down. You’re upsetting the spirits.”

“I’ll upset YOU in a moment.”

“Threats are recorded.”

“GOOD.”

---

9. Monday, 3:02 p.m. – Text Message

From: Lucy

> Mum, the bank froze your account. They said you’re “post‑operational.”

Margaret:

> I am going to march down to that Afterlife office and haunt THEM.

Lucy:

> You can’t haunt people if you’re alive.

Margaret:

> WATCH ME.

---

10. Tuesday, 8:00 a.m. – Email

From: support@afterlife.gov

Subject: Ticket #A‑11382 – Status Update

Dear Ms. Bligh,

We have reviewed your case.

Your death appears to be the result of a clerical error. Unfortunately, the employee responsible has already been reassigned to the Underworld Division and cannot be contacted.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

To reverse your death, please complete Form D‑17 (“Request for Reinstatement of Life”) and submit it in person at Afterlife Processing Center B.

Please note:

- Processing times may vary

- A physical body is required

- No pets allowed

Warm regards,

DTL Support

---

11. Tuesday, 8:05 a.m. – Text Message

From: Lucy

> Mum, did you get the email? Do you need a lift?

Margaret:

> No. I will walk. I want to arrive looking furious.

Lucy:

> Wear the red coat. It’s your “I will speak to the manager” coat.

Margaret:

> Excellent idea.

---

12. Tuesday, 9:30 a.m. – Voicemail

From: Margaret

To: Lucy

> “I’m here. The building looks like a tax office mated with a morgue. There’s a sign that says ‘Please take a number.’ The machine gave me number 487. They are currently serving… 3.”

---

13. Tuesday, 11:12 a.m. – Text Message

From: Margaret

> A man just tried to cut the line by claiming he was “more dead” than the rest of us. I told him to get behind me before I made him live again just so I could kill him properly.

Lucy:

> Proud of you.

---

14. Tuesday, 1:45 p.m. – Email

From: DTL Agent – “Graham”

To: Margaret

Subject: Re: Form D‑17 Incomplete

Dear Ms. Bligh,

Your Form D‑17 is missing the following required documents:

- Proof of life

- Proof of non‑death

- Death Certificate Revocation Certificate

- A passport photo where you appear “vibrant and corporeal”

Please resubmit.

Regards,

Graham

Afterlife Processing Center B

---

15. Tuesday, 1:47 p.m. – Reply

From: Margaret

To: Graham

Graham,

Attached is a video of me waving, blinking, and shouting “I AM ALIVE.” If this does not constitute proof of life, I fear for your department.

Regards,

Margaret

---

16. Tuesday, 2:03 p.m. – Email

From: Graham

Subject: Re: Re: Form D‑17 Incomplete

Ms. Bligh,

Thank you for the video. Unfortunately, we cannot accept digital files as proof of life. Please submit a notarized affidavit from a living witness.

Regards,

Graham

---

17. Tuesday, 2:05 p.m. – Text Message

To: Lucy

> I need you to swear I’m alive.

Lucy:

> I’ve been doing that since I was five.

Margaret:

> Officially.

Lucy:

> On my way.

---

18. Tuesday, 3:30 p.m. – Voicemail

From: Margaret

To: Lucy

> “Your affidavit worked. Graham stamped something. Then another person stamped the stamp. Then a third person stamped the second stamp. I believe I am now 40% ink.”

---

19. Tuesday, 4:12 p.m. – Email

From: DTL – Finalization Unit

Subject: Reinstatement Approved (Pending Exit Interview)

Dear Ms. Bligh,

Your request for reinstatement of life has been approved.

Before your status can be fully restored, you must complete a mandatory Exit Interview with a certified Afterlife Counselor.

Please report to Room 4B.

Warm regards,

Finalization Unit

---

20. Tuesday, 4:30 p.m. – Text Message

From: Margaret

> The counselor is twelve years old.

Lucy:

> Surely not.

Margaret:

> He has freckles and a juice box.

Lucy:

> What does he say?

Margaret:

> He wants to discuss “my feelings about returning to the mortal plane.”

Lucy:

> Oh dear.

---

21. Tuesday, 4:42 p.m. – Voicemail

From: Margaret

To: Lucy

> “He asked if I felt ‘spiritually fulfilled’ by my brief death. I told him I felt spiritually furious. He wrote that down. Then he asked if I had ‘unfinished business.’ I said yes: YOU PEOPLE. He wrote that down too.”

---

22. Tuesday, 5:10 p.m. – Email

From: Finalization Unit

Subject: Reinstatement Complete

Dear Ms. Bligh,

Congratulations! Your living status has been restored.

Please allow 24–48 hours for the update to propagate across all government systems. During this time, you may experience:

- Temporary invisibility

- Difficulty opening automatic doors

- Unwanted haunting activity

- Mild existential drift

Thank you for your patience.

Warm regards,

Finalization Unit

---

23. Wednesday, 8:00 a.m. – Text Message

From: Lucy

> Mum, the bank says you’re alive again. They unfroze your account.

Margaret:

> Excellent. I will buy myself a cake.

Lucy:

> You deserve it.

---

24. Wednesday, 8:12 a.m. – Email

From: Estate Pre‑Processing

Subject: Re: Asset Liquidation Cancelled

Dear Ms. Bligh,

We have halted liquidation of your assets.

Your cat has been returned to your home. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Warm regards,

Estate Pre‑Processing Team

---

25. Wednesday, 8:14 a.m. – Text Message

From: Margaret

> THEY TOOK THE CAT.

Lucy:

> But they gave him back.

Margaret:

> He is traumatized. He is sitting on the fridge like a Victorian orphan.

---

26. Wednesday, 9:00 a.m. – Incoming Call

Caller ID: Department of Transitional Logistics

Margaret:

“Oh no. What now?”

DTL Agent:

“Good morning, Ms. Bligh. We’re calling to inform you that you have been mistakenly resurrected twice.”

“TWICE?”

“Yes. Once yesterday, and once in 1997.”

“I WAS ALIVE IN 1997.”

“Not according to our records.”

“I demand you fix this.”

“We can schedule a correction appointment. Next availability is… June.”

“June?!”

“Of 2031.”

Margaret inhaled slowly.

“Put me through to your supervisor.”

A pause.

“I’m sorry, ma’am. Our supervisor passed away last week.”

“Then put me through to whoever replaced them.”

“Oh, no one replaced them. They were immediately promoted to the Afterlife Oversight Board.”

Margaret closed her eyes.

“Fine. Leave it. I will remain incorrectly resurrected.”

“Very well. Please expect occasional déjà vu.”

---

27. Wednesday, 9:12 a.m. – Text Message

From: Lucy

> Everything sorted?

Margaret:

> More or less. I am alive, officially. Possibly twice.

Lucy:

> That sounds exhausting.

Margaret:

> It is. I need tea.

Lucy:

> Want company?

Margaret:

> Yes. Bring biscuits. I have survived death by paperwork.

---

28. Wednesday, 9:30 a.m. – Email

From: support@afterlife.gov

Subject: Ticket #A‑11382 – Closed

Dear Ms. Bligh,

We are pleased to inform you that your issue has been resolved.

If you experience further death, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Warm regards,

DTL Support

---

Margaret closed the laptop.

The cat blinked at her from atop the fridge, still offended.

“Well,” she said, “at least we’re alive.”

The cat sneezed.

Margaret nodded.

“Exactly.”