strange

CW: Psychological distress, paranoia

i’m on the pavement

a muddled melting mess of green black and grey

i look around, the sky seems empty.

to think the sky and i use to be friends.

i almost smile at the thought.

i almost laugh.

almost.

lost times with me and the sky

and what remains but smoke and uncried tears.

but that’s not important.

not at all.

FORGET THE SKY

forget him.

lost times can be remade.

right?

what’s lost is lost.

it’s not about that now.

and this is what i have to deal with.

right here.

right now.

FORGET the sky.

(what’s important now?

what’s in front of me.)

“important” and “here.”

seem to be the same thing at the moment.

what is here?

right here right now.

something.

something.

something

all around me

immediately here

the scene is a swimming blur of greys, blues and black.

but mostly grey.

mostly.

this isn’t smoke.

whatever it is.

it isn’t smoke.

(maybe i’ll inhale it like Roe.

these strange fumes from the sky?)

it might stave them off.

for the time being

not really my style though.

(whatever’s in the sky smells bad.

no longer like rain.

like chemicals and smoke.)

x

normally in times like these, i’d just look up at the sky.

and he’d just sit there

quiet and everpresent.

no voice to hurt me with.

he’d hold the moon in his dark starry hands

and tell me i’d be alright.

but without words.

only light.

x

but now?

x

the sky does nothing more but hold this blur

all around me.

he tells IT to surround me like this.

(but he’s somehow not on THEIR side? )

now i’m unsure.

at least. it feels that way.

“feels.”

“[To You It Feels That Way].”

the voice in my head that remains from them.

all in my feels, am i???

clutching myself here

rocking in this blur

cold but not.

trying to forget the sky

whatever he was to me.

knowing i could fight all of this all at once.

all of it, really.

i think i’m ok at fighting.

i mean

i CAN.

all in my “FEELS.”

am i????

am i really.

x

trying to forget the sky

trying to fight THEM and this blur

x

either way

they’ll never leave me alone.

all i want is to be left alone.

but not with the sky.

not anymore.

nothing but feelings.

nothing but feelings.

nothing but FeElInGs

MOVE.

ON.

“move, on. whoever you are.

we will never leave you alone.”

nothing but FeElInGs

THEY told me that.

x

feelings would be nice.

a luxury, even.

but instead i am left here with this fear

and traces of anger

no time for whatever feelings might be.

only survival chemicals.

i would rather not deal with

fear and anger.

if “feelings” don’t help you survive then what are they?

(something behind me…)

(and it isn’t remembering the sky. )

those are only feelings.

forget

FORGET

“FORGET.”

and what do i do to survive?

instead i remember.

forget You.

forget THEM.

x

if emotions are worth remembering i will remember them.

x

(what will i forget?)

THEM.

yeah, i’m talking to you!

whatever these people are called.

you don’t need a name.

“THEM.”

that will suffice.

you are nameless and everpresent.

and i want you out of my life.

x

i want THEM

out of my life.

…

a bout of hypocrisy

perhaps

as i curl up against this darkness

…

i think about “us” again?

not my fault….

(thoughts are also “nonessential” to survive)

here i go again…….

dwelling in the midst of this Themsent blur

damn.

to think me and the sky used to be friends.

something like that.

but not anymore.

the sky is forgotten.

this is something else.

a mere Themsent Blur.

x

this forgotten friend is filled with smoke

this blur is now mingled with forgotten friend.

x

a blur.

a blur.

a blur.

the sky is filled with a blur

and my tears are uncried

x

not so long ago, i’d rather just look up at the sky

and send him a kiss?

(different from Roe maybe. hahah..)

maybe it’s “weird?

kissing the sky?

THEY’D THINK SO.

whoever THEY are.

hung up on what’s THEY think is real.

x

what a strange person here on this pavement..

surrounded by what only feels like darkness and fear.

“feels.”

THEY’VE known thoughts or feelings.

and thinking

about THEM

makes me sick.

no “feelings” about them.

(whatever they are)

only thoughts.

but….

my feelings and thoughts?

all worthless.

worthless and forgotten.

since they do not help me survive THEM.

the blur is still there, but i scoff.

clearly Themsent..

clearly.

leave.

( ( LEAVE. ) )

kissing the sky…

a silly feelingful thought.

weird to me maybe.

but to them?

“straaaaangee.”

hung up on what they think is real.

STRANGERS are real.

and they’ve never seen the sky.

not really.

me and the sky,

we’ve been stuck together since day one

that was “us.”

now it’s

just

smoke.

smoke.

and whatever surrounds me now.

that’s not “us.”

me and the sky.

forget that.

those were only feelings.

now sky

smoke

and battered ruins of feelings with no names

fear growing over them like an elastic vine holding them all together.

x

smoke. sky. blur.

it’s all mingled.

now it’s all Them.

x

i am full of fear but somehow have a will to fight.

maybe i’ll stave off more of this blur this way

here it comes.

i want to cry.

i want to scream.

i WANT to.

but here, what you want isn’t important.

i curl up in a ball instead and look around where i seem to be.

still a blur.

rocking back and forth

it’s beginning to close in. surround me. this strange ambiguous blur

but its not important.

whatever it is.

it can be ignored for the time being. smoke and fear can’t hurt me.

strange and annoying

(and to Them I’M the bother. hah.)

this blur probably thinks it’s so special. coming in like this. unannounced, even.

how special you are, strange ambiguous blur

a reminder of them.

ignore It.

Themsent.

ridiculous.

x

still i need to leave.

that’s most important.

x

(something behind me…)

MOVE ON

move. on.

i tell myself.

but still?

there’s something behind me.

another problem to worry about.

not this again.

i’m still scared, but not really.

not yet.

there’s a time and a place to be scared when dealing with Their nonsense.

i had to learn that to survive.

but that lesson is not what made me.

x

the sky once told me

i am clearly what i made of myself.

x

and i am so cold.

and this blur is still closing in.

( ( something behind me…………… ) ) ) )

you might wonder what it is, but is there time for that?

not really.

(if you glance back, that’s how THEY get you.

ridiculous.)

the sky is gone but at least i remember what he said.

x

so instead i clutch my knees to my chest

no rocking.

no movement at all.

it’s hard to breathe but even breathing can wait.

wait.

wait.

and wait.

whatever is there is still coming.

almost here. terrifying. i can feel it.

but i know i’ll be prepared.

i get shivers all down my body.

i feel cold but know i am not.

it’s something else.

the hair stands up on my neck.

shivers.

nauseous? if you could call it that.

but my head isn’t spinning.

it’s firmly screwed on tight. somehow.

and somehow? i still know?

something’s coming.

fear and danger, right there. soon i’ll hear it.

(not this again.)

i clutch my knees tighter to my chest.

a scream? a yell?

a wail. it’s a wail.

“diIID AnyBOdDY SEE thAT??????? WHo’OS ThEReeEe????”

the voice tapers off into a whine. disgusting.

how dare you??? i think, curling up, rocking back and forth.

i want to fight.

i want to.

and i can.

i can!

i know i can.

but it’s not important if you can fight here. what you CAN do, doesn’t really matter. not here. not to them.

maybe to you it does.

but still the darkness closes in.

the tears can’t hold back this blur around me.

i yell back,

“WHO’S THERE?”

no reply from this scum.

but i am there.

i am there somehow

i am here somehow

“strange.”

𓆱