A Bougainvillea in the Devil’s Courtyard

I should have known better. I did know better. Then why did I not know better. Did you know better? Who am I talking to? I’m talking to myself again, well that’s helpful, she was hurtful, I’m regretful, and I knew better.

When we first met we hit it off. At Boogey’s Bar, drinks, I approached her, two young adults meeting at a cross roads along the fault. Our interests were alike, problems coincided, and our attractions collided. She was the one I could see spending my life with. Behind her eyes, I couldn’t see it, a dark life form resided.

I was depressed, she gave me strength, a new meaning to life. Being intimate was a dream when I was in it. I remember my tongue…ahh, wait a minute, I can’t say more, but I remember so vividly the feeling. We were both fresh, both hurt people, the hideous symptoms were still invisible to the innocent.

Happy memories of late night drinking and paddle boarding through the weather. Laughing when playing Halo on Xbox. Co-op thoughts, we’d shoot aliens together, a virtual mirage. We held hands flying through the stars, but from the start there was a monster inside that had a concealed Glock pointed at my heart.

Hints of a beast lurking would make its way to the surface.

“Treat the waitress better, don’t be rude”

“My water glass is empty”

“Be polite”

“I don’t have to explain myself to you”

The canines started to look more pointed, her teeth were growing, her nose becoming more of a snout with subtle snarls. Like a tiger prone to their pray, the beast could live for years undetected, but the quieter it was, the sharper the fangs.

The symbiotic life form would lay dormant. But each fight, every disagreement, all the tears made the demonic creature grow more alive. Our relationship was turning from an easy drive on the turnpike into a rollercoaster ride.

“You don’t want me to listen to this music?”

“No, it’s misogynistic. You’re misogynistic if you listen to it

”I understand, but it’s not all about that. This music helps me get through tough times”

“Don’t listen to it”

The bacteria was spreading. I could see the change in her in appearance. Her eyes were getting foggier, her skin getting paler, her attitude getting coarse. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to accept it. Thorns were beginning to protrude from here skin, I thought some cream could clear it up, but this was no ordinary skin condition. My beloved was metamorphosing.

I should have ran. Never should I have allowed the relationship to go on for so long. Oh, I was stupid, this is not where I belong. But I gotta tell ya, she had so many amazing things about her that I had to hold on.

“Did you really vote for that guy?”

“Why?”

“He doesn’t seem like a good candidate”

“Who I vote for is none of your business”

The monster inside crushed her innocence, I couldn’t find the ingredients that use to make her so magnificent. Without warning, the monster was overtaking the host.

The beast inside was becoming her nurse. One evening at 2 a.m. I heard rumblings outside of the room, she wasn’t next to me. I peeked out the bedroom and it was the first time I saw the black and green slimy tentacles blast out of her back. The tentacles clawed around her front and sucked an ivory soul out of her chest. The monster placed the old soul into a rose colored casket in the back of a hearse. I closed my eyes, hoping it was a dream. I never heard the wheels peel off, unaware my life would only get worse. I still couldn’t control my emotions. Lust made me rush to her forgetting about the monster that lurked.

“Did you get the vaccine?”

“No”

“Why”

“I don’t trust it”

When she got angry I had to block out the spiteful remarks. Was the liquor, it was too hard to believe. The monster would crawl out of the darkness and howl unimaginable slurs and mask them as normalities. The vessel wasn’t strong enough to harness the power of the beast. The monster manipulated me into thinking I was at fault for wanting basic etiquette around the house. I looked for answers, I felt guilty, the beast was physiologically suffocating me down.

Bitterness, grudges, revenge, racism, ignorance, intelligence, politics, rudeness, bigotry, the fiend possessed a variety of powers to attack. Left the uninitiated off balance, the beast’s arm hit me hard, laying on my back, I lacked the reasoning or logic to combat the attack. I was left to my own devices wondering if I’d ever get my baby back.

“Hey, could you not say that”

“Why?”

“It’s kinda racist”

“So.”

Unbelievable the things coming out of her mouth. It was the monster controlling her outbursts, was the the love of my life still there, was she deep inside calling out. If so, show me the route. Yet instead we bout, I yell, she yell, we both throw seashells, I tried to kill the villain, but the symbiotic form only grew stronger in the depths of hell.

I was angry, I was vile, I was grumpy, I wanted to put her on trial for her foolish thoughts. I couldn’t let her break me, I had to stay positive, there had to be a future with us. Her good parts brought us together, her bad moods broke us apart. How could someone be so pure yet so nasty. Dr Jekyll and Miss Hyde, hello, it’s Harry.

Once a cozy home had flipped into a haunted mansion with a monster under the bed. The empty vessel of my once beloved loathed around the dwelling with the creature hovering behind her. My new roommate, the vicious beast, was always waiting to attack, it was ready for mortal combat. Any confrontation would lead to an emotional beating. Could I kill this monster?

Stupid, I was a gullible douche. We took advantage of each other under a single roof. The swamp was boiling and the trees were showing their roots. “Open up to me, tell me what you’re thinking. Tell me what’s wrong!”. She wouldn’t explain things, kept secrets, I guess I’m not the one she could tell anything to.

The monster continued to evolve morphing more into a psychopathic villain. The thorns were longer and sharper puncturing her skin. Her thoughts and opinions were more poisonous than the last ones. She wouldn’t listen to reason. She carried an unescapable past that transformed rational ideas into racist blocks in a toy chest. The monster would take the toys and decorate the mansion as a reminder I was in a unsecured castle.

The one I adored was no more. The transformation was complete. One evening she cornered me in the kitchen, fangs sharp, teeth jagged, tentacles long and slimy, thorns pointy, eyes black, and claws ferocious. The monster and my lover were now one. It attacked, I was weak, I couldn’t defend myself. I was still wishing for a past that had so long lapse. Pleading with her to leave me along and think about the future we could have together. The tentacles pierced my skin and ripped open my pecs. The creature took its claws and pulled out my heart tearing each atrium into tiny pieces. I was alone and bleeding, the beast left me eviscerated. I crawled away.

Silly thoughts, silly thots, of course, on the shores of war we had a divorce minus the legal forms. Her claws still scratch deep. Thoughts of her with someone else left me hyperventilating, I can’t breathe.

I’m trying to tell ya there was a pure soul in there somewhere. I fell in love with someone beautiful, but I was no match for the monster that brewed inside. Once the life form found a host it grew until it was ready to ruin my pride. The fangs grew so large and sharp that by the time we’d fight she’d bite and leave me paralyzed.

I tried to keep it player through the tears, but the tears poured salt on the wounds. I drank some beers to maybe forget about the years she threw away for someone near. Drake or Kendrick, fight or flight, someone is confused. Coffee or Tequila, fly or spite, I am confused.

Everyday I still look for answers, how did this monster get a hold of her? Why did she want to cause harm? I know our pasts can shape our perspectives, but why let the past dictate our future? Why not grow as a person? Who manipulated her? Who was this monster? Her parents, the news, politicians, influencers, past grievances? Why wasn’t I enough to help defeat the beast?

I wrestle with my mind. I’ve been tolerating falsities for too long, too long have the right people told me I’m wrong. Is there an answer to the story below? If so, let me know.

“If you were living on the streets, broke, hungry, and cold, and then when you need it the most a man comes along and reaches out their hand to help. They take you in, give you a place to live, feed you, keep you warm, clothe you, and let you stay until you get back on your feet. Overall he seems like a wonderful guy. But then what if the person slowly begins to show a dark side. He alludes a little racism, protrudes a little bigotry, is often somewhat rude to the wrong people, starts sharing beliefs that are harmful, what do you do? He took you in when no one else would. He saved your life. Do you cut him off?”