Today Is for All Eternity

TW:

Severe Psychological Oppression, Manic Episodes, Mental Health, Self-Inflicted Injury

================================

Every day – it is the same. Tomorrow, I am sure, sure this will be over. Early start – surely, this will help. Before dawn, I rise and trek to my start – mentally compiling the shortcuts and resting points. Tomorrow, the day will come, and I feel more ready than every attempt so far… This is the day; it will be completed; I will be free; I will never let this happen again; I must complete this – in time.

Starting in the attic, I see the insects – all still, unmoving. There are more than last time – but I know what to do this day. Racing around the mounds, the hills, meanders and valleys of insects – for the hose, over there! Snatching the treasure, I realise something’s wrong. No – I whisper breathlessly. No, no, no, no, no, no... The small droplets coming from the hose are a reminder of my failing escape – but no, I mustn’t give in – I mustn’t let it win – it will not keep me another day in here – It’s dark, but I know the water tank is directly behind the fifth mountain to the right. Half-blind, I let my anger be my vision. The red of my vision is the same red I see on my body – as I throw myself at the water tank, elbowing, scratching, headbutting until a blast follows. The hose comes alive – and water sprays like a gushing stream for a parched man. Wielding the hose, I wipe out mountains like Abraham on God’s command. I am way ahead of my fastest time. Tomorrow is coming. For the first time in months… years?

The attic is complete once the insects are collected in the bins. Now, I meticulously paint room after room. Every single wall is to be painted a new colour each day over the peeling wallpaper. Today it’s red. Yes, red for new beginnings – just like tomorrow is a new beginning. How today is for the past, never to be seen again. Oh, how I feel it coming! Now there is no questioning my pace – new beginnings are a definite now. Every stroke, flick, stain, every crevice, corner and wall, immaculately red, not an out of place drop. There are only a few walls left, but by sunset now I would have started resting. Not today. I skip directly to sweeping. Across every inch of floor, under beds, tables, sofas, I scour, seizing dust particles, dirt and rubbish. My mind turns numb as my legs buckle, between kneeling down and binning – but the fatigue will pay off, and there is no time to rest.

Sweeping – complete. Now I race towards my paintbrush, and in front of the bloodstained walls my vision glitches. Bucket of red in hands, I throw the paint and it oozes down. Violent, harsh strokes break the paintbrush – but I opt for my hands instead. Now, eyes glistening and cheeks wet – I think back to the house’s torment. Its torture of me. Tomorrow will be, and I will make it pay. Overwhelming despair tightens around my core – as I remember my existence here – the taunts and mocking; boiling rage; the everlasting loop; an eternal Cinderella. Now, as red walls tower over me, four sides all around, a much darker red erupts from within – buried and deep-pulsing. Thumping, loud bangs are heard as my knuckles split and bleed on the walls' dead embrace. The last unpainted patch, smeared red – and the reds around capture my vision, violent vibrations usurp my body’s movement as a black emptiness knocks me off my feet – onto the ground below. My tasks are now complete. The fatigue has paid off.

Every day – it is the same, except as my eyes open at first signs of consciousness, I disbelieve – awakening moments later feather-light and beaming. Joyous shrieks decorate the air as I dance to my internal rhythm – today is now tomorrow. Tomorrow has come and today will forever remain yesterday and never again. Skipping towards the front door, taking a moment’s hesitation before I will see sky blues for the first time in an eternity. I am unbound, unchained by all. My body feels like it’s floating – and I can’t help but think even the chains of gravity have turned themselves off for this momentous occasion. I grasp at the doorknob. A small creak – a gentle wind hits my face. Ethereal warmth and heavenly light overtakes my being, penetrating into every cell within. A single glimpse of blue and light beckons me. A single unfocused glance through the half-open door before my vision fills with dimness as the door shuts in my face.

“YOU SHALL NOT PASS.” A voice shrieks.

The House growls at me. This must be a joke – I laugh; I cackle; I burst out as my breathing turns heavy. I grasp at the doorknob – ready to see sky blues and bright light – but it does not turn. I grasp again, one, two, three swings of the knob – ready to see sky blues and bright light – but the knob disobeys and does not open the door. My hands lose their grip - unable to feel any longer.

“I completed all my tasks…” I whisper. No reply, but I don’t need one. My face falls, twisting and shaking as my insides clench and suffocate me from the inside out. I stumble backwards, one, two, four steps, dizziness overwhelming me. My breaths – violent and shallow as my lungs seize and my heart is ripped from its cavity. Unseeing, unfeeling, gravity dragging me down, down, down. The House pulls me away, away from sky blues. Reds – taunting and mocking – seize me, pulling me further inside.

“YOU PROMISED!” I wail, sob, scream, over and over and over and over and over-

“LET ME GO!”

Today is forever. Yesterday was today and tomorrow is non-existent. An impossible feat. As insects topple into my bedchamber – I lie down, still, unmoving. Broken plate shards pile up in the corner of the room. Peeling walls of blood unearth tear stains and drawings. My eyes have run dry, as I accept my fate. Every day – it is the same. I repeat, like a mantra over and over. Forever and for all eternity…