Pacemaker

I haven't felt much of anything in the past year. I told my Pastor it was progress but I wouldn't know. I'm counting on her not asking too many questions because then I'd have to continue lying. Perhaps the Holy Ghost will fish me out of this web I've trapped myself in and tell her the truth on my behalf.

The truth is I'm stuck. I feel stuck, and not in my job or anything like that. I'm stuck mentally or emotionally. Or both. Who knows.

I make up my bed in an attempt to pump myself for the day ahead but it doesn't work. There's a foul smell coming from my kitchen and that's another reason I don't want this day to begin. If I had a pet there wouldn't be a foul smell. The thought of a little friend skipping about and wiggling its tail makes me smile. I decide to focus on that for the next hour.

I like golden retrievers and German shepherds so I think about the ones breeds I usually see on the National Geographic channel. Cute little things. I'm about to step into the shower when my phone rings.

"Roland, hi", I clear my throat though there's nothing to clear.

"Cassie! How goes the morning?"

"It goes", I respond reluctantly. He's always in a chipper mood yet I'm usually irked by him. That's a shame. He's still talking as I make a silent vow to be kinder to him.

"..so I was wondering if you'd like to go to church today. I can give you a ride since I'll also be going", he offers.

I ponder the ride and how long I'd need to pretend to have interest in conversation with him, and decide I can't do it today. The conversation. Acting jovial. Not today.

"I can't Roland. I mean no thank you", I tell him. I feel like the worst person for declining but if I agree it'll only be out of pity.

I understood his feelings toward me when he'd saved a piece of lemon cake from the buffet just for me, during our church service, because he'd noticed I wasn't around. Men don't make such efforts for the sake of it. I feel guilt seeping in and contemplate dropping the phone in the toilet but he interrupts the thought.

"It's okay Cass. I wanted to offer in case you needed it. I guess I'll see you there", he spoke softly.

I ignore the disappointment in his voice and conclude the call.

"Thanks Ro", I smile and end the call.

I notice that was a five minute call and I know I only spoke for seconds. Roland is a sweet guy and a good friend, but I'm not interested. I'm barely a friend to him on a regular day. My shower drags and so does getting dressed. I spend about fifteen minutes debating about whether the white shirt goes better than the red with the grey pants I have on. The confusion frustrates me and I shed a few tears. It's only seven thirty and I can't wait to knock off work.

I decide to wear a grey cardigan instead and pack my laptop and phone into my bad and head toward the door when a sour smell hits my nose. My bin is still full from the weekend and it's Wednesday. Of course I didnt take the trash out. I stride to my grey bin and pull out the refuse bag. I cock my head to the side in an effort to resist the smell but it doesn't help.

I walk out of the house and focus on my nude pumps so I don't have to address anyone who walks by. The parking bay is empty but I can't risk interaction. I stand over the heap of trash bags and toss mine on them. I swallow the lump in my throat and decide it's a good time to say a prayer.

I only notice the sun after I open my eyes, and the lump is gone. Good! I won't be crying for the next few hours. The journey to work is delayed by a series of roadblocks but I sleep through them and wake up just when we're approaching my station. When I jump off, my phone vibrates and, for a reason I can't admit to myself nor anyone else, I'm excited to see my screen.

It's a message from the IT team at work. Something about the network being worked on and apologies for inconvenience caused. My shoulders drop but I hold onto the thrill of not knowing what might happen next. It feels like an answer to my prayer earlier. I asked God to give me something to look forward to today. One thing I've been doing too well lately is not worrying about tomorrow since it has its own worries.

I clock in at the entrance and head to my office as quickly as I can.

The fresh scent of new stock makes me smile but my eyes light up when I see the large bouquet of flowers , in a vase on my desk. I toss my bag om the couch set against the office wall and rush to get the card peeping through the rose petals.

It's a verse from Song of Solomon.

'Behold, you are beautiful, my love;

behold, you are beautiful;

your eyes are doves.'

I appreciate the effort in the alignment of the verse. It's exactly the way it appears in my bible. Intentional. It's typed so I don't know who it's from. I take a seat at my desk and try to figure out who could've sent them. I'd suspect Roland but he doesn't know I love the Song of Solomon. Also, how would he know how to get these in here unnoticed?

All that thinking gets me hungry so I stand to go to the kitchen and make a cup of coffee and kill this appetite. A few colleagues have come now and it's 'hi and bye' as I walk to out open cafeteria. The coffee machine is ready to pour me some and the aroma of Jacob's makes me mouth water. I wait for my cup to fill and turn to add a few teaspoons of sugar- a defiant act against the Wellness department's advice.

"Oops! Oh no, I'm so sorry. Let me.." I look up at my colleague whose pants I just spilled my coffee on.

"Hello, beautiful."

I gasp and nearly spill the rest of the coffee in my cup.

"Chris. How are...what are you doing here?" I'm shaking and can't look straight at him longer than two seconds.

"I work here now. I transferred. Do you like your flowers?"