Mono

“Stop licking the donuts!”

Mono gives Penny Puffenbarger a doe-eyed look, then slips the donut back into the display case.

“Don’t put it back! You lick it, you bought it!”

“Aw, c’mon, Penny, you know I’m tapped out.”

The nineteen-year-old Quicky Mart night manager sighs heavily. Mono knows she’s a soft touch. Closing her eyes, Penny takes a deep breath, trying to keep her bleeding heart from taking over.

Mono is wearing the same greasy clothes he’s had on the past two nights. His unkempt beard, scraggly shoulder-length hair, and dull eyes that swirl in his head like a roulette wheel remind Penny of her late father, who spent his brief life adrift in a sea of alcohol and booze.

“…All right… You can have the donut.”

Mono scarfs down the donut in three bites, adjusting the patch covering his left eye. The patch and his missing eye are why everyone calls him Mono. No one knows how he lost it or much about his past. He once mentioned he’d been married and that his wife had divorced him because of his drinking and that he’d lost his job for the same reason. His wife got everything in the divorce: the house, the car, and their daughter, Aubry, and moved from posh Larchmont, New York, to a farmhouse in bucolic Madison, Illinois.

Mono ambles over to the beer display case, plucking out two tall boys.

“Need to wet my whistle.”

“If your whistle were any wetter, you’d drown.”

He gives Penny a stained smile as he sets the beers on the counter.

“Could use some smokes too.”

“Drinking and smoking are nasty habits. You could wind up…”

“Broke? Homeless? Already there, sweetness.”

Peny hands Mono a pack of Chesterfield cigarettes.

“I’ll pay you back soon. I swear.”

“Forget about it. It’s paid for.”

Mono’s cloudy eye appears to well up.

“Did I ever tell you that you remind me of Aubry? She was my ray of sunshine in the darkness. She had long reddish hair like you, and the same cat eyeglasses as you. I miss her.”

“Maybe if you stop drinking and get into a program, you could see her again.”

Mono adjusts his eye patch, muttering, “I could clean up the outside, sweetness, but the inside…”

“One question, and if you don’t want to answer, you don’t have to…”

“My eye… I lost it in a car accident. I was drunk, and I was taking Aubry to soccer practice. I took a corner too wide and hit a tree. A branch came through the windshield, and…”

“Sorry.”

“At least Aubry was okay, but she was traumatized from seeing her father mutilated. Then my wife showed up, and you can imagine the horror show that followed.”

The front door opens, and Officer Dorian Strong strides in. The broad-shouldered twenty-eight-year-old officer is tough on enforcing the law and determined to become a detective within the next few years.

Penny hastily puts Mono’s beer and cigarettes in a paper bag, handing it to him.

Officer Strong pours himself a cup of black coffee, then heads to the counter.

“Is everything all right, Penny?”

“Yes, officer.”

“I worry about you being the only employee in the store so late at night.”

“I don’t mind. It’s peaceful.”

Officer Strong turns, glaring at Mono. “Not with vagrants like this one hanging around. SCOOT!

Mono scampers to the door, rushing out.

***

Two seventeen-year-old boys sitting in a beat-up Honda outside the store watch Mono hustle down the street.

Zoroaster Cendeno Manfredi Ducane’s life has been as confounding as his name. Misfortune seems to follow him, which is why his classmates dubbed him “Lucky.” When he was ten, he was having a cavity filled at the dentist when the clamp on his tooth popped off and went down his throat. Lucky had to have surgery to remove it. Two years ago, he pledged his love to Frances Finkleheimer. He was determined to show her that he was serious by having her name tattooed on his arm. The tattoo artist got as far as Francis Fink before Lucky realized he’d spelled her name wrong. On his next, and last date with Frances, the couple took a walk through the woods. Frances picked up a stick, throwing it into the brush, unaware she’d hit a nest of yellow jackets. Frances’ burst of speed kept her from being bitten, but Lucky was stung forty-one times.

Most people feel better about themselves after meeting Frankie Fountain because they can’t believe anyone could be so naive. A virtual acne farm with a perpetual bemused expression, Frankie’s only interest is snack food.

Both boys were recently fired from Pepi’s Paradise Grill when Lucky attempted to put out a grease fire with water. It spread across the stove, and when Frankie came to the rescue, he threw flour on the stove, leading to an explosion that obliterated the kitchen.

“The derelict’s gone,” Lucky says.

“Yeah, but the cop’s still in there,” Frankie replies.

“I’ve watched him, and I’ve watched this place for two nights. He comes in, grabs a cup of coffee, trades some small talk with four eyes, and is out within five minutes.”

Scratching his acne, Frankie snickers as Officer Strong leaves the store and gets in his squad car.

“You’re really smart, Lucky. But are you sure about this?” he asks.

“How much money do you have in your pocket?”

Frankie checks. “Five dollars and thirty-five cents.”

“Well, you’ve got me by five dollars.”

Lucky reaches for the gun on the dashboard.

A concerned Frankie asks, “You sure you know how to use that thing?”

“I won’t have to. You think that four-eyed clerk is gonna risk her life for somebody else’s cash? Besides, it’s not loaded. Time to put on our disguises.”

Frankie pulls a black magic marker out of his pocket, drawing lines and symbols on Lucky’s face. Lucky does the same to Frankie’s face.

“Gimme one of those face tattoos like Mike Tyson,” he says. “And lightning bolts. I wanna look fierce.”

“This is a magic marker, not a magic wand.”

***

Lucky bursts through the door, pointing the gun at Penny.

“You don’t want to do this,” Penny says, pressing the alarm button under the counter.

“You don’t tell us what to do!” Lucky shouts. “We tell you!”

Frankie hands Penny a plastic bag.

“Empty the cash register.”

Penny complies, doing a double-take when she looks at Lucky’s face.

“What? What’s bothering you, four eyes?” Lucky asks.

“Nothing. I was just wondering why you have a drawing of Snoopy on one side of your face.”

Lucky fumes at Frankie. “You drew a dog on my face?”

“I happen to think Snoopy’s cool, don’t you, Penny?” Frankie asks.

“Maybe you should have drawn a tougher dog like Lassie or Rin Tin Tin.”

“Good idea. We can do that next time!” Frankie exclaims.

“Cut the nerd fest!” Lucky yells. “Hurry up with the cash.”

Frankie glances at one of the displays.

“Mmm. Moon Pies! I love them!” he says, jamming handfuls in his jacket pocket.

Penny hands Frankie the bag. The boys run out, slapping each other five as they jump into their getaway car.

A block away from the store, Lucky tosses the gun out of the window.

Sitting on a nearby corner, polishing off his first beer, Mono watches the boys drive by. He laughs to himself when he looks at the can’s label.

“…Ha… Brewed in Madison, Illinois.”

***

The Honda sputters to a halt two blocks from the Quicky Mart. Lucky turns the key, but the engine refuses to turn over.

Lucky’s eyebrows crease together. “Did you remember to gas up the car?”

“It’s your ride. I thought you were gonna do it.”

Lucky bangs his fist against the steering wheel.

“Don’t worry, Lucky. We got away with it. Have a Moon Pie.”

Giggling, the boys dig into their snacks.

Lucky wipes the chocolate from around his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Okay, let’s divvy up the cash.”

Frankie holds up the bag. The bottom of the bag is ripped open.

“Uh-oh. I thought it felt a little light.”

A bright light behind them illuminates the car’s interior.

“Hands up! Exit the car very slowly, boys!” Officer Strong commands.

“How did you find us?” Lucky asks as Strong and another officer handcuff them.

“First off, the clerk, whom you called by name, recognized you two losers as regular customers. Secondly, she got your plate number. Plus, you were caught on the store’s security camera. This genius even waved at it.”

“Did it get my good side?” Frankie asks.

“You don’t have one, idiot,” Lucky replies.

“The cash you tried to steal was sitting by the door where it fell out of the bag.”

Taking in the boy’s disguises, the officers break into uncontrollable laughter.

“Criminal masterminds!” Officer Strong manages to say between guffaws. “By the way, boys, those markers you used? They’re permanent magic markers. The thugs in the county jail are going to love your artwork.”

***

Finishing his second beer, Mono watches the police cars carrying Lucky and Frankie pass by.

He picks up the gun, wishing there was another way.

Penny is putting the money back in the register when a man wearing a paper bag and brandishing a gun enters the store.

“Let me guess, you want what’s in the register.”

“That’s right, sweetness. And while you’re at it, gimme a box of donuts. And some beer and Chesterfields.”

“Are you sure you want to go down this road?”

The robber’s hand shakes as he continues to point the gun at Penny.

“I've been on a dead-end road for so long that any detour would be an improvement.”

“Are donuts with chocolate icing okay?”

The robber licks his cracked lips. “Yeah, they’re my favorite. And I’ll need matches for the smokes.”

Penny slowly moves about the store, gathering the items.

She hands the robber several plastic bags.

“If I were you, I’d take the money and leave town fast. I hear the weather in Illinois is good this time of year.”

***

Mono is rousted from his beer-induced sleep by a kick in his side. A chocolate donut falls off his chest as he sits up. When his eyes focus, he finds himself looking up at a beaming Officer Strong.

A second officer pulls him to his feet, slapping on a pair of handcuffs.

“Another master criminal. You pull a job and pig out only two blocks from the store you robbed.”

“I bought all this stuff.”

“Sure, you did, Mono. And Penny gave you $3,000 in change for being a good customer.”

“…But I wore a disguise...”

Officer Strong holds up the paper bag, sticking his finger through the single eye hole.

“Next time, you might want to cut out two holes.”