Mission Log

Mission log entry one: Touching grass.

I finally reached Earth.

As I broke the ship's airtight seal and swung the door open, my vascular system pounded, eager to get my first taste of Earth's fresh air. The ship had been extremely cramped, and my strawberry-flavoured air-conditioning had started to smell a bit rotten. Sadly, the air didn't help much; the quality seemed surprisingly poor for the climate—78% nitrogen and 21% oxygen- and a disappointing lack of sweetness. It's definitely not to my taste, but I might learn to enjoy it like the fleshlings do.

The terrain seemed primarily dusty brown and green with a few lumps, which is much less exciting than what I am used to at home. It is a shame that they don't have a fascinating landscape like the molten rivers and giant crystal dunes on planet B2, but they seem to be quite delicate creatures, so it may be for the best. Instead, they have endless stretches of soft, squishy carpet made up of millions of green threads. After some research, I believe it is called grass. For further examination, I decided to remove my foot pods and walk along it. It coiled itself around each of my toes, almost like it was alive. I decided to tug a few strands free and delicately place them inside an airtight bag to take back to planet B2 with me. Dad says not to bring alien samples back, but what could be so harmful about outdoor carpets?

I decided to explore further but felt nervous about accidentally making human contact before I had rehearsed my speech. Stepping over the hill, I spotted ugly stone structures protruding from the Earth. I had never seen anything like them, but I could only assume they were human-made. At home, we take great pride in our structures, ensuring they blend with the landscape. Large crystal domes stand in non-conforming patterns to match the irregularity of our natural planet. The lack of thought behind these brick things is concerning, but I had heard that the building work had really gone downhill since the construction of the pyramids.

I have read that humans are highly social aliens. They tend to cluster together in areas called cities, which is a prime method of disease transmission, but they don't seem to care or realise. I have even heard that they often squish their bodies together when they are happy or sad, greeting each other or saying goodbye. They call it a 'hug'. Honestly, I can't believe the species has survived long enough for me to see them before their extinction; how exciting. In order to communicate without a hug, I have been practising English throughout my intergalactic gap year. I had always planned to touch down on the outskirts of Bristol and bestow my outer world knowledge on the helpless beings that reside there. Dad told me to stay away from Earth, but I'll leave once I have interacted with the fleshlings. I'll obviously let them know I come in peace. What could go wrong?

Mission log entry 2: Fluffy creatures.

Before I introduced myself, I wanted to understand a bit more about this strange planet; it would be rude not to take in the sights.

I wandered further through the lumpy terrain, watching my step as I danced to avoid gloopy brown puddles swallowing my feet whole. I looked for clues to what the planet is made up of, but that's when I saw one.

A creature.

A blob covered in fluff stared vacantly through me. Its four spindly legs held up a cloud-like body, leading to a gormless face occupying empty eyes.

"I come in peace," I announced.

The creature let out a distorted scream, "Baaaa".

Startled by the blob's odd outburst, I stared almost as gormlessly, wondering if this was slang.

Instead of responding, it twitched its stubby tail and began chomping on the carpet.

Strange.

Impressed by the blob's unwavering confidence, I slowly slid closer and plucked a few curly fibres from its round body to begin my research on the landscape's apparent apex predator.

It was clear that this creature was not interested in conversing with me, so I moved on, watching my back as I went.

Mission log entry 3: Fleshlings.

I set off on an evening walk to practise my speech in preparation for venturing into the city. The sun was going down, and the sky was a beautiful shade of pink before the darkness came to swallow it up. I had never seen an evening like it on any of the planets I've visited. As I mumbled my script, I wandered over the hills and accidentally stumbled into a cluster of dwellings. The sign on the fence said 'Bell Bottom farm'. I remembered from my research that a farm is an area of land devoted to agriculture. For some reason, a small group of humans are expected to create sustenance for everyone else to enjoy, which sounds a bit unfair to me.

I decided to hop the fence and explore. I didn't get far before a foul odour lingered up my nasal passage. It was so bad that my eyes watered, and I heaved a couple times, but I didn't want to give up this opportunity of mischief disguised by darkness. I traipsed over the unusually squishy brown mounds of mud and made my way to a huge wooden structure. As I approached the door, the smell got worse. Why do the fleshlings smell so bad?

I wandered a little further before I heard rustling behind a short wooden door.

I stood silently, hoping that there wasn't a human in there.

I snuck up to the door and peered over.

It was disgusting. From the outline, I could make out a giant pink alien rolling around in a bed of dry grass and slippery ooze. It let out a few snorts, not even noticing my presence, which seemed to be a frustratingly normal reaction.

It might be a different species of fleshling, but it seemed extremely sad that it was locked in this cage.

"Hello?" I asked, trying to help the prisoner.

It said nothing back but riggled itself off the floor, attempting to rise to its feet four separate times before it finally gained the momentum to roll its geometrically round body from the ground. It finally looked at me, and I stumbled backwards. What had they done to this poor creature? Its face was horrific. Tiny beady eyes and a giant flat nose surrounded by wiry white wisps, was it an old one? It opened its mouth and let out some nasally snorts, bubbling snot splattering from its extended nose. I couldn't leave this thing to perish here. I unlocked the gate and allowed the creature to push it open with its face. Very graceful.

"Run free," I whispered as the obscure pink fleshling wobbled its way down the path towards a larger dwelling made of stone. Its speed was underwhelming, but its motivation was admirable. It let out an agitated grunt every few steps as if moving its body was a personal betrayal. As it reached the safety of its home, the dwelling lit up like molten rock. Beams of light cut through the darkness of the night, and the door swung open.

"Doris, why are you out of your pen?" A small, gangly human said as it wandered over to the pink thing.

I quickly turned on my heel and darted into a nearby miniature residence. Inside lay tonnes of clutter covered in thick layers of dust. I scrambled around, trying to find my footing, when my arm smacked the wall, and a ball on the ceiling emitted some bright light.

"AHH" I yelled, my eyes attempting to adjust to the miniature planet depriving me of sight.

"Hello?" A voice came from the darkness.

I knew instantly that it must be the small human. The rays of light made it obvious that I was hiding in this tiny wooden box. I flung my arms and smacked the small ball, trying to get it to stop, but it seemed to have an unbreakable heat defence. Unable to harm the energy ball, I took a deep breath and started mumbling my speech.

I fling open the door and see the human standing on its hind legs, wearing some fluffy robe, a gown that looked highly important.

I stepped out of the building and began my speech, "Hello, fleshling! I come in pea-" My foot got stuck on a bristled brush, and I tripped out the door. My arms went flailing as I stumbled my way towards the small human.

His eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head as he let out a harrowing scream. "AHHHHH!"

Before I knew it, I fell to the floor, my face disappearing into one of the mud mounds.

"DAD, THERE'S AN ALIEN IN THE SHED!" The small being went hurtling back towards its home.

"Wait, no!" I yelled.

The screaming human disappeared into the structure, and I took my moment to scarper into the darkness.

Today didn't go to plan.

Mission log entry 4: My grand entrance.

I woke up early today to rehearse my lines and ensure my tight-fit, high-shine exploration suit looked perfect. It was slightly crinkled from the long journey, but you couldn't tell while I did my choreographed dance. I decided to make a grand entrance by flying my ship across the fields and touching down in a large landing bay outside of a place called 'Tesco'; I gathered that it is a place of high importance, as many fleshlings seem to accumulate there at all times of the day.

My ship hummed as it made its way over to the temple. As it settled between the primitive land vehicles, it touched the floor with a soft hiss. I turned up my tunes for background effect, took a deep breath and straightened my suit.

It's showtime.

Music blared as I dramatically swung the door open and stepped out. I glanced at all the fleshlings, stopping in their tracks, clearly dazzled, and that's when I counted myself in.

One..two.. One, two, three.

I spun on my tip toes and dove into a breakdance. I had heard it was cool. As I twirled on the floor, I heard audible gasps. It was clearly working. I jumped from the floor and wiggled my hips before doing a cartwheel and striking a pose.

"I come in peace!" I yelled, my grin so big it hurt my cheeks.

"Is this a marketing stunt?" One fleshing called.

"Are you…wearing a bin bag?" another muttered.

I glanced down at my attire. It was true that my form-fitting exploration suit was black and slightly crinkled, which I had hoped they wouldn't notice, but to compare it to a 'bin bag' seemed unnecessarily rude.

"That is inaccurate," I replied, straightening my posture. "I am wearing a high-tech, self-regulating, heat-retaining—"

"No, it's definitely a bin bag." The fleshling cut me off.

Laughter erupted in the crowd.

This was not the entrance I had envisioned.

I huffed, stomped back into my craft and slumped into my chair, but before I could stew in my own disappointment, a new transmission buzzed through the comm system.

That's interesting; life is being picked up on Mars.

Well, that changes things. Forget the fleshlings; I can be the first to make contact with Martians!

I tapped the planet's coordinates into my space nav and listened to the ship's energy as it lifted itself from the ground.

When I exit the craft this time, I'll start the show with the cartwheel before flowing into the breakdance; I think that might be where I went wrong.