Lessons of Love

15th February, 1781

London, England

Dearest Son,

I am writing to you because it is unlikely the span of our lives will intersect. The physicians tell me I will not be gifted the months to see you born. The sorrow of that haunts me and I worry ceaselessly for your mother’s grief-torn heart. Yet my hope is that these letters, written by my own hand, will impart some of who I was to your future being. I refuse to expense the ink by wallowing in the tragedy of our circumstance. Instead, I plan to devote these many volumes to your education, addressing the wisdom that only a father can impart to a son. First and at the pinnacle of such matters, I endeavour to explain the timeless lessons of love.

I readily imagine your mother recounting, at length, the tale of our courtship. In my mind she regales with images of my confidence, patience, and the sophisticated lifetime campaign I employed to win her affections. I was no such charmer. It was all a veil that I worked tirelessly to present to her eyes. The many mistakes that I made, apart from her witness, shall be shared with you here in the hope that they would never be suffered again. You will find as you grow into a man that your interest in the fairer sex evolves with your body, but along with it comes that ever-present cost that pairs with anything of value. Fear. Where once you ran the fields, playing make believe with the local girls, soon you will find yourself stumbling over a mere greeting or the briefest of eye contact. So it was with your mother and I. We spent years building sandcastles in the bay and tearing holes in our clothes while chasing through woodland. Then one day, after so many tumbles, pushes and innocent embraces, the smallest touch from her hand became electric. Annabelle - for that is who she will always be to me; the beautiful and pure young maiden whom I envisage whenever I look at your maturing mother, suddenly transformed into an enchanting creature who began withholding affection. She introduced herself henceforth as ‘Anna’ and appropriated the standing of womanhood. Whilst I, lost in my juvenile exploits, remained a boy. Listen well son, for this is the rule that will inform all of your endeavours with women. As a species they understand more of the heart and soul than you can imagine, and they always know it first. Myself, I was confounded by the change in our relationship and feared the riot of attraction that was taking over our friendship. Yet I needn’t have worried, for our foundation was solid and born of a companionship that would never be broken by something as fleeting as adolescence.

My desire, I suppose, is to convey that message above all others. For you to understand that love is not born of the eyes or from touch. It is a kinship of the soul, and your search should be made with that focus in mind. Alas, you are my son, and so I suspect well the strength of your lusts. Especially in those formative years where they will be most acute. Yet, I remain confident in your wisdom to learn from my words, alongside any blunders you might manufacture for yourself. Strength does not come from ease after all - it will come from hardship and correcting oneself. Trials that will appear, no matter how well you are prepared. But digress into ramblings. Now, your mother and I were blessed by fortune, though it did not seem so at fourteen when I was removed from her presence by my father's carriage into the city. His work had requirement of expansion, the advent of steam fuelling industry across the nation, and so I reluctantly uttered a goodbye to Annabelle that felt like tearing my heart out and hurling it in the direction of ‘progress’. Thankfully, that twist of fate meant she was never witness to the foolish behaviour that moulded me into the man she remembers.

Walking through St. James’s park with Genevieve rapidly ended any further correspondence with my first new acquaintance. I understood in hindsight that I spoke at such length about my own history and ambitions that I must have seemed insufferable. In reaction, when I first met Alexandria, I was so terrified to utter a sound and appear selfish, that she thought me simple. Then there was Penelope, who broke not a single smile at any one of my crass attempts at humour and Ruth who took one look at my choice in wardrobe and instantly took a dislike to my entire personality. Apparently a cravat is for a peacock and undoubtedly signifies arrogance. Jasmine, was another disaster altogether memorable. She was the most exotic beauty I had ever laid eyes on and I am ashamed to admit that a weakness within, allowed my hand to reach in impropriety. I left that rendezvous with a sting of red to my cheek and a scratch on one eye. I still remember that pain whenever my gaze threatens to wander. My sincere hope is that you will avoid these scenarios on your own path my boy, but in truth, I know that you will not. They are required. No words of mine can teach you a fraction of what a healthy dose of humiliation and heartbreak can. My only advice would be to brave the steep slope of learning in this regard, with women who do not already hold a grip on your heart. I cannot imagine what would have happened, had I attempted to navigate those waters with your mother. I likely would have lost her forever. Rather, I made a spectacle of myself beyond her reach, and when we were finally reunited, I was far more eloquent in the ways of a gentleman.

It was a fine and bright spring day when I saw her. I recall the smell of newly opened blossoms and evaporating winter accompanying the sight of my Annabelle fully grown. She eclipsed all other beauty of the day. I could barely contain my shock at meeting her and could feel my heart beating in my ears as I approached. For my feet would not have heard my command to stop, had I tried. It was a draw like I have never felt with another human being. The flurry of activity that pounded the cobbles of the city streets, fell away to silence, with only her visible amongst the chaos. I try to describe to you a feeling that you will not recognise until it enters your own life. You will have considered interest in others, lusted or desired some and failed to connect with so many more. Yet when that undeniable union sparks romance in your core, you will know. You will find yourself willing to do anything to protect and support the parallel soul that chooses to travel beside your own. It will bring with it a sense of peace and right, that you will have never before known was missing. I do not remember what I said to your mother that day, nor does it matter (although she may recite it as the most important script in our lives), what is important is that I did not hesitate and did not hide. I used all that I had learned in the trenches of my rose tinted battles and uttered open and honest adoration. It worked like a dream.

Now, many a tale would end on the elation of that note. But I do not pen a fairy story for you to fawn over. I wish for you to recognise the reality of love and its place in the life of every man, so that you might not be surprised and stumbling in the dark when your turn comes. Marriage and commitment followed quickly from my courtship of your mother. As a young and foolish dullard I assumed myself victorious, and that safety and comfort was all that was left to me. This was an egregious error, son. As the beginning of your life in love, your wedding day will be where the work begins in earnest. Note that I have left a small sum with your mother to provide for this future event, since I will not be present. I forget myself. This will not be a lament to me, but instruction for you. We continue. Know only that you will want for nought, when the day arrives.

The temptation will be for you, having never known us together, to romanticise the relationship between your mother and I. We love each other dearly and always will. But love, it does not scrub pots. Nor does it pay bills or rebut all difficulties of the world. You must learn to like the wife that you take, and on days where you cannot do that, for there will be many, you will need to practice treating her well regardless. Love will be your default, your bedrock and your beginning. Respect, service and compromise. Those will be the oil to the gears that must keep turning for a lifetime. It is hard to put into words the difficulties that your mother and I have faced, even for so short a life shared. Speaking ill of Anna comes reluctantly to me, as it should to you, for both mother and wife. Suffice to say, there will be external events, that are no creation of your marriage, but will threaten to worm into your lives nonetheless. Then there are mistakes made by you, or your wife, that will require forgiveness. There will be irritants, petty squabbles, life changing decisions to be made, and there will be illness…all of which will require unique solutions. The only thing I would teach you, son, is that no matter the challenge, you must face it standing by her side. She is not your enemy, nor your obstacle and never your burden. If you choose a partner in line with the destiny that I described, there will always be a way to forge forward together. You just need to be willing to find that path, at every, innumerable fork in the road.

Lament and joy to the day that you bring life into the world, perpetuating generations of our family and complicating your own life beyond measure. What a tumultuous time of love and fear it is. Though, I must defer to your mother on all matters concerning the raising of children and the commitment it will require. For I know not of the reality. A regret that I promised I would not dwell upon. Understand only that I will be watching and hoping for your success in all things, until the day that we should finally meet at heaven's gate. It will be my pleasure to host all whom you have loved upon that reunion and share out all the affection I was never able to shower upon you in life.

Love. What a phenomenon. Its pursuit drives all that we do and all that we become. I hope that you find it, as I have, and that when you do, you will treasure it above all other distraction. Your mother is everything to me. Yet, even ahead of your birth, know that you have claimed a vast portion of my reserve. My body may well be gone, but you carry with you an undying promise and commitment that persists beyond my existence. Go well into the world, my son, and above all, love those you find. As forever, I love you.