Essence precedes existence

Throughout my entire life, I have wondered if I was adopted, an alien from another planet, yet I knew none of these things was materially true. I always felt different from other people in ways that I couldn’t particularly articulate. I felt like a loner, an outsider, even though I had friends and was well-liked. I experienced a high level of cognitive dissonance about what it meant to be in elementary and high school in seeing yourself a certain way, seeing others a certain way (as Lacan would write), and finding the middle ground where you end up feeling “okay” about yourself in what can be the most trying of times psychologically for children, especially young girls. Young girls got the rap – body image issues, sexuality issues, and more.

These moments of existential awareness and, frankly, dread are apparently very normal, triggered by periods of intense boredom or stress, and are considered a sign of high intelligence.

When you’re sitting around as a schoolgirl waiting for your mom to pick you up from the strange daycare program, you have a LOT of free time to start to wonder – “Is this my beautiful house? Is this my beautiful wife?” sang Talking Heads.

As for me, I’ve accomplished a lot in a short time. And sometimes I want to pinch myself and say, “You did that! YOU! WE! WE DID THAT TOGETHER!” and in those moments of existential angst and self-love, I can’t help but wonder if it all felt like a dream, to quote Biggie Smalls. It wasn’t – but sometimes when we’re faced with something amazing, it can feel like it. It’s not just achievements, promotions, or awards. Ultimately, although this prompt is about questioning our own human existence, I have found the best way to embrace our human existence is to embrace all of the good qualities that we find in people and in life, and no matter how difficult it is, try to see the God and try to be happy and grateful for what we have, no matter how disoriented or freaked out we are – we all get that way from time to time—but appreciating what we have is a really great way to “snap” out of some existential doom wormhole.

Suffering also brings existential “angst.” I have been dealing with complex post-traumatic stress disorder for over a year and a half—I sometimes don’t feel like I exist and find myself revisiting moments when I felt normal and safe, when everything seemed okay; I knew who I was. However, now I occasionally experience imposter syndrome with myself because of the psychosis and my struggle to just be “normal,” even when I feel like the biggest freak and the laughingstock of the world.

Sartre writes extensively about solipsism and suggests that the only certainty is the mind’s existence. Still, then counters that we are in a relationship with others through “the One” (basically a God). When we get so lonely, we feel like we are the only people on earth who matter; of course, we’re going to develop a bit of a God-existence complex and wonder about our own existence in the face of others, ourselves, and God, if we believe Him to be true. But we also know that we are not solipsistic creatures, no matter how hard we try. We live in a community, we have people who love us, we have jobs, usually friends or a partner, so we can feel confused perhaps focusing on again this attitude but when we really look at the world around us (Satre wrote this) we have so many people to be thankful for and so much love and hope in others and even God so we are not by ourselves, which takes the edge off from existential excrement.

We can’t be so self-centered, though. We have focused on other people. I try so hard to give to others and to be there for them in ways no one was ever for me. We try to be the heroes of our own story. But our own story can get exhausting at times if we’re giving so much of ourselves and our love and not getting much back in return (hopefully, yet.) Karma is long. And reciprocity, knowing that we are not existentially alone and that others value us, is beautiful.

As part of this, I have depersonalized often. I have imagined I am other characters, and frankly, it has scared me a bit. But I realize this is a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with the harsh reality of a lot of intense trauma and pain, which is totally normal.

Freedom: If I am free to choose everything, am I solely responsible for my life's outcome?

This is a question for God. Shakespeare wrote, “It is not in the fault of our stars, but the fault in ourselves.” I believe it is a combination of the two. God, Universe, timing does make things happen, and they’re not always according to what we want, our time zone, or how we’re operating. But we do have the freedom to come to God and ask for His help, or to keep doing what we’re doing and see where it gets us.

I was reading a small book on Existentialism last night. It described Existentialism as a combination of ration/reason/pragmatism, and faith. We all have RADICAL freedom to do whatever we want in life and choose to come to God, read philosophy, fall in love, and get married.

“Essence precedes existence,” wrote Sartre. Humans have free will to do what we want. Having a God to listen to the rules can be nice, or we live in anguish, not truly knowing. We can choose the rules for our life, for our existence, if it helps make us feel more alive.

It’s important to be radical and a tad rebellious in how you choose to live your life.

We can also transcend into a higher form – become like the Phoenix – and better each time.