A Walk in the Woods

Let’s go for a walk, just you and I. I have something to show you, something I need you to understand. Don’t worry, we’re alone. I would take your hand, but I think we both know that would be a bad idea.

Do you see the woods up there, just ahead? That’s where we’re going. Come.

I can’t quite make sense of it. It’s strange, isn’t it? How the trees on this side have rotten? How there are dead leaves all over the ground and the sky is endlessly dark? If you’re quiet, you might learn why. Shh, do you hear that?

//

I hope I keep her up at night.

I hope she lays in bed, staring up at the ceiling, your sweat still coating her body, and wonders if you’ll dream about me again. And you will, of course you will. You can't help it, and you're not sure that you would if you could, are you?

The next morning, while she’s making you breakfast, and you’re staring blankly at your plate, I hope she wonders if you’re thinking of me. What am I doing? Who am I with? What am I wearing? What am I like now?

I hope she knows that you’re thinking about me. I hope it makes her sick to her stomach and she has to run to the bathroom. She’ll blame it on the hormones, though, don’t worry.

This feels like it has all happened quite quickly, no? Not too long after we last spoke, right? Maybe it’s just my imagination.

And here I was thinking we were going to accomplish all of our big milestones together.

Oh, this is cruel and unfair, you say? Don’t talk to me about cruel and unfair. You think I haven’t gone to bed thinking of you—what you’re doing and with whom? That there isn't still a sinking feeling in my stomach? That I haven’t prayed you were okay? That I haven’t wanted to ask you myself, if only I had the nerve?

You would think I’d be out of the woods by now, but, darling, I have made them my home. The rotting smell of the orange and yellow leaves fills my house and I can’t seem to get it out. I've even come to find it comforting.

Maybe one day you’ll read this and laugh. Maybe one day you’ll show her and you’ll both snicker as you say ‘what a foolish girl.’ But I don’t think so. I think your heart rate has gone up and your chest has tightened. I don’t think you’ll ever show her. I think this will stay between us like it always has.

I hope she goes to bed thinking about me. I hope you both do. Because if I’m going to feel haunted by you, then you are going to feel haunted by me.

//

But then, over here, look. There’s a patch of sunshine. Stand under it with me. Quickly, there isn’t much time.

Can you feel the rays warm your skin? And do you smell that? The trees and flowers must be in bloom on this side. There are a few clouds hanging overhead, threatening to rain down on us, but I think it’ll hold for a bit longer.

Listen carefully, this is important.

//

I hope you’ve healed.

I hope you have found a reason to believe that love does exist, and if you haven’t yet, your reason will be here in a few months. I hope you heard the heartbeat for the first time and felt more joy than you ever thought possible. Have you sang to them yet? I bet you have. I always liked your voice.

I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling. Scared, nervous, excited, giddy? All of it, I’m sure. I still can’t believe it. I can’t even picture it, no offense. But I guess it’s not for me to picture.

I just hope that you don’t forget about me. Does that make me terribly selfish? I always did underestimate my significance in your life—am I right this time?

It’s been years, but I finally got around to listening to those songs you told me about. Tell me, are there any lights on anymore? What if we made a deal to just keep the front porch lights on? That way, we’d know we could stop by for a chat on the stoop if we were ever in the neighborhood.

I truly wish you the best, but from a safe distance. I hope that you’re happy, but don’t make me watch. Not now, at least; not yet. Happiness is all I have ever wished for you, even if I can't tell you that myself. You know that, right? If not, I fear I didn't do a good enough job, which I probably didn’t, and for that I am sorry. That, or you weren't paying attention. I hope you are paying attention now.

//

So you see, don’t you? How hard this is? Navigating the woods, I mean. Do you see how the two sides merge in the distance? I suppose two things can be true at the same time—you understand that just as well as I do. I know you do.

There is so much more I need to tell you, so much more I need you to understand. I don’t know when we’ll get another chance. Doesn’t that scare you?

I want you to know know that I am happy. I have been for some time, actually. I love him and the life we have built together. I’m sure you feel the same way about the two of you. But, I would be lying if I said that knowing what I know doesn’t ache. I don’t lie to you, we both know that. I don’t think I’ve ever felt the need to. Well, maybe once or twice. When, you ask? I’ll tell you some other time, if you still care to know.

Time’s up. You should go ahead, then—it looks like you already have. I’m going to stay here awhile. I’ll catch up soon.