Conny the Cockroach

I’m finding it hard to understand who I really am. For all my life I was just Conrad or Conny, but not anymore. I started feeling strange one night after one of my shitty fast-food shifts. I thought I was just mentally demolished, so I rushed my pre-bedtime routine for that oh so lovely sounding mattress. I closed my eyes and drifted off into deep, stress-free sleep. However, I woke up only half an hour after my departure to something quite remarkable. I had become a Cockroach.

April 19th, 2026: The Buginning

Initially, I was horrified by what I had seen in the mirror hanging on my closet door. I was a massive version of a disgusting insect that you never want to find dancing in your dwelling. If I were my usual self, I would’ve been laying on my side in the reflection as a regular two-legged, underwear wearing human. Instead, six jagged legs, some antennae, and wings appeared with underwear unincluded. I roamed around my bedroom with tippy taps like a typewriter with a good idea. I was understanding how to be this thing.

It took me some time, but eventually I figured out how to open my bedroom door. I tried to turn the knob at first with my two upper jaggs and only found myself insectually frustrated. I realized that I had four more of the jaggs in their holsters, so I drew them out on the competition. I held onto the knob with all my might and flapped my left wing. My roach body then made its way clockwise until the door peeped open.

I had never felt so free in my entire life until that night. I always was told by my parents to act certain ways or wear certain clothes. I think those commands, alongside the shopping list of all the other ones, suppressed the cockroach. Was this bug what was missing in my life? I had always asked myself from my adolescence to my current adulthood, what was missing? I knew there was something; I felt it was always attempting to rip out of my human skin.

May 22nd, 2026: C.T.C.

About a month had gone by after that, and I had become him almost every single night. I had sure lost a nest load of sleep, but the happiness I endured made me leak tears of joy. Love, I found love for this thing. People always say, “You have to love yourself before you love someone else”, and I think that’s kind of what I was doing. I don’t know, but I had taken the pleasure of calling myself, Conny the Cockroach. It seemed so right; I could feel the name tingle my entire exoskeleton.

I began to think about what would happen if people figured out about my reoccurring transformations. When I was dreaming during the little sleep I had, sometimes I would see my mother. she would antagonize me for what I was doing, “Conny you are a big liar. You crossed your mother. Conny the Cock sucking Cockroach. The book says you will burn like all those burgers you touch with those tainted jaggs!” I would wake up petrified, knowing the dream could be reality.

The thing is that my parents are not monsters. I’m not scared of them because they were always good to their Conrad. The inversions of my body didn't change me into a fool though; I’m terrified of what they will think of the new Conrad. I could imagine my dad looking at me perched on their living room wall, as I acted like I enjoyed watching the Superbowl for something other than its commercials. The disapproval distracting his favorite human entertainment was a funny thought. Getting shot by his Mossberg 500 was a U-turn, and I could almost smell the buckshot aftermath.

June 22nd, 2026: Worry

After a night of cockroaching around, I had awoken expecting my unattractive human life to be back in action. Nervousness hit me like a short circuit when I realized I was still him. What was I going to do? I couldn’t go to work because everyone would see me. I decided the best way to solve that would be to call out sick. They wouldn't care that much because I never really called out in general. Anxiety flooded me when another question spawned. What if he stayed for good? Mom and Dad would see it, and that might mean they would see him as me.

June 28th, 2026: Realization

A week had passed by without me being a human. I figured that by this point the roach would've worn off, and I would've been back in skin. If this kept going, I was going to have to quit my job. What was I going to do after that, find an all-exclusive inset job search website? No, people were cruel; no one was going to sub-categorize indeed for cockroach job listings. Hiding this thing was now coming close to hurting my everyday life.

I went to a hardware store that was near my apartment in search for raid. I didn’t want to be this bug of burden that erased my normal life. The pain of possibilities was endless, and the simplicity of Conrad was missed. The cashier at the store was surely skeptical of me. Her left eye squinched, telling me that she knew something was wrong. I sort of don’t blame her since my bug body, mummified with a blanket, probably looks disrespectfully inhumane. I tried my best to stay on two jaggs while I quickly parted the hardware store with my endgame.

Later that day I opened the large jug of chemicals and took a good whiff of it with my right antenna. I could imagine a guillotine releasing its rope and coming down on me. Depressed as I had ever been, I stared at the image of a cockroach modeled on the jug. I had never felt so bad for the roaches until that moment. It really took mass amounts of hate to eliminate them.

When they get stepped on, they always get right back up. You could drop an American History textbook on one, and it would come right back like history itself. Even with the chemical in play, they would be themselves until death. They were unapologetically cockroaches until they were exterminated completely. I could be myself for the rest of my chapters.

June 29th, 2026: Extermination Day

Today I will face my fears. No more hiding in the corners of darkness like a bug. I don't mean to profile; I just feel as though an industrial pump is pushing my blood through my body. My parents are going to meet the new me, and it doesn't matter what they think. Why even tell them, you ask? Well, I need them to know who Conrad really is in my book.

As I strolled through Visalia, I could feel the eyes of human faces gasping about what I was. I moved with confident flow through those sidewalks and intersections. You would think as a cockroach I could just pave my path through anything, but I'm civilized enough to respect rules. I stopped at crosswalks, and I paid attention to my fellow human drivers. I might have caused an accident or two, but that was my shocking appearance that influenced that.

I arrived on Sycamore Street quicker than I would have on foot as a human. Which, to be fair, I didn't have six helpers on me at all times back then. I could see my parents' house on the street, sandwiched between multiple other homes. A blue jay flew right over me as I approached their house, and it looked proud of me. It was an odd thing, but then I remembered I was a fucking cockroach.

I knocked on the door and waited for the great encounter. My dad opened the door and flinched in disgust. His two caves were opened wide like craters as he asked, "Who the hell are you?"

I itched my head with one of my jaggs as I replied with, "It's me Dad, It's Conrad."

"You are not my son. He would never come to my face as an unrighteous monster", My dad said with disappointment.

I figured he would be a stump in the mud, so I decided to try the next one. "Can you get mom; I would like to talk to her."

He walked back inside and never came back out. He only guided my mother to the front door. He must've given her some context too because she already had a saddened face while saying, "No, no, no, no...", and she followed with, "Conrad this is not who you are baby."

"It is though Mom, and it's always been", My voice's volume grew slightly louder as I went on, "I feel like you've kind of known this too."

She looked at me as though she was caught in a lie, "Conny baby, I just wanted what was best for you. I want you to be accepted into everyone's arms. That is why I was the way I was with you!"

I laughed at her soullessness, "I don't want to be loved by people if they don't want to love the real me". I looked at her briefly before I turned my body and began slowly tapping away.

I was proud I stood up for myself, and I smiled as I began to retreat. I then heard my mom shout, "Conrad!"

There was no point in pleasing her or my dad anymore. I knew just based off that quick conversation that they were never going to come around. Acceptance was beauty, and I had finally reached it. I looked back at her and said, "Its Cockroach."