The Cat and the Dog

CAT ON THE WINDOWSILL:

The cat on the windowsill stared out the window. She watched very closely and observantly to seemingly nothing. Actually, yes, it was nothing. The cat had absolutely no reason to be starting so harshly at… nothing. But she did. She watched the birds fly from branch to branch. She watched a car pass by. Then another car. And… how many cars exist in this world?

A man came into view, walking along the sidewalk, just doing his own thing. Out of nowhere, the dog on the couch starts barking. He jumps up and looks out the window, growling and barking, trying to scare away the man.

You fool, the cat thought. The man can’t even hear you. You realize those cars had people in them too? In fact, you would be stupid not to realize, as you’ve been in a car yourself. Idiot, you tornado on legs. You tear up every toy and make the couch as your bathroom. You aren’t even sophisticated and smart enough to use a sandbox. Ha! Whatever, thought the cat. Whatever indeed.

The man passed, and the dog stopped barking, but he didn’t lay back down on the couch. He was too skeptical. He paced around the room, looking out the window and the door.

The man’s not coming back, the cat wanted to say. But you’re too much an idiot to realize. You think every person who enters this house, or comes near it, is a threat. Well I’ve got news for you, dog. Not one single person has been a threat. But you’re too stupid to even realize that truth.

If only I was human, the cat thought. I could tell you how stupid you are. In fact, our owners say the exact thing to you, but you are too stupid to make sense of that human language. All you say is BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK and get your grubby little fur everywhere. I bet you haven’t taken a bath in weeks. And you need human help to take a bath too. I clean myself everyday.

At that moment, the cat coughed up a hairball. She swatted it away.

On second thought, the cat said to herself, I might not want you to clean your own fur if you cough up those everyday. You need anything but ways to spread your nastiness even further. You have even claimed the entire backyard. Our owners much prefer to clean up my litter box than your poor excuse of a bathroom. It’s even their yard and they choose not to go near it.

I can’t see why humans even like dogs. They yell at you every time you get under their feet. You eat their food, and they yell at you. You beg for food, and they tell you to stop. Also, just a whole lot of yelling at you. You’re not even that soft! You have sandpaper for fur, and I have silky, smooth, soft fur. Yet, despite all these facts, they choose you over me. But, whatever. It is what it is. I don’t even want much attention anyway.

The same man came walking back, and this time, the dog tried jumping on the windowsill. The cat hissed, as if to say, EXCUSE MOI? I happened to have claimed this window for myself.

Clearly, the dog either didn’t care or didn’t understand—and the cat had such low hope for the dog that she thought the latter—that he still didn’t get off of the windowsill, and he kept on barking. The cat tried to tackle the dog, but he was bigger, so the attempt was pathetic. The dog continued barking as the cat walked away.

You win this time, the cat thought. But I promise you that the next won’t have the same ending. You idiotic canine.

DOG ON THE COUCH:

The dog on the couch was taking a nap. Or at least he was trying to. He couldn’t sleep, knowing the cat was on the windowsill, doing nothing. Yeah, nothing. If danger came, what would she do? Nothing. She didn’t give one care in the world. The humans didn’t even like her that much, unless they were petting her or playing with her and the laser.

Stupid cat, thought the dog. You know the red dot is just the human’s laser, right? Where else would it come from? And why do you have an obsession to catching it? Is it for the same reason you beat up birds and mice and give it to our humans? Why the heck would you do that? The humans do not like dead things. They throw out dead batteries, bruised apples, overripe bananas. If you like judging so much, judge the humans for letting such food go to waste. I would’ve eaten it! I eat the same thing everyday! You’re all happy with your tuna in a can, well guess what? I get human made kibble that is supposed to taste like chicken, but it is nowhere near. But they don’t know that, do they? Because humans eat tuna, too, but would never put dog food in their milk for breakfast.

The dog heard someone walking. He immediately perked up to see the man, and started barking at him. GO AWAY! the dog tried to communicate. LEAVE, BECAUSE THIS IS MY HOUSE. AND THE CAT’S. WELL—ACTUALLY NO IT’S MOSTLY MINE AND THE HUMANS. THE CAT JUST LIVES HERE.

The dog was also barking at the cat, for not giving any care to the world for the man on the sidewalk.

What are you going to do in actual danger? the dog thought. Why do you sit there, like everything is fine in the world? Aren’t you bored? All you do is stare into the abyss. You don’t care. And how good is that practice when we actually are in danger? Or worse, our humans?

The dog kept pacing around the room. He knew the man would return. And yet, the cat just sat there on the windowsill, probably thinking about… whatever cats thought about.

Probably thinking very highly of herself, thought the dog. How she thinks how she’s so so sophisticated, and better than me. Well, stupid cat, I have news for you, you have—

At that moment, the cat coughed up a hairball. She swatted it away.

A problem, apparently, thought the dog. This is why I don’t lick my arms. I bet it itches in the back of your throat. Ugh. I’d hate that. I don’t want it. You know, wasn’t I just thinking about how you were thinking so highly of yourself? Wasn’t I just thinking about your thoughts of how sophisticated you are? I bet you ignored that hairball completely and moved on. What a dumb—

The man came back, and the dog jumped up on the windowsill for a better view, and so he could see the man better. The cat hissed at him, as if to say, Excuse Me? Wait no, the dog realized, she would say it much louder and half french or something.

When the dog started barking, the cat tackled him—to no avail. She fell to the floor and the dog continued barking at the man.

WEAK, thought the dog as the cat pranced away. PITIFUL, SAD, FAILURE. I almost feel sorry for you. You speak so highly of yourself, yet you can’t hit down a dog who isn’t even twice your size. Wow. You idiotic feline.