HUNGER

It’s not easy being a zombie. I should know. Just because you have an insatiable appetite for brains and shamble around and can’t talk properly doesn’t mean you’re stupid. Among us zombies there’s a lot of philosophical debate goes on. Do you think we don’t feel guilty when our urge for human brains overwhelms our sense of what’s right and wrong? Yes, biting a live human tends to add to our numbers, and I can understand why Alives don’t fancy being bitten.

But think of it from our perspective. We do remember being alive, you know, and being able to walk and talk properly, and not having bits fall off us. And eating fruit and vegetables instead of the never-ending diet of human brains. They don’t even taste good. I am tormented by memories of a beefsteak, with all the trimmings, medium rare, sizzling on the plate, the aroma so enticing, the flavour so delicious. And fried chicken! Even hamburgers – anything but this never-ending diet of brains!

I was a lawyer before I got bitten and started my new career as an undead. Some of my fellow zombies tell me it’s a step up in the world. Lawyer jokes, you can never get away from them! Of course my wife is a zombie, too. It was her that bit me, after her mother had bitten her. Talk about keeping it in the family. So I’ve got my mother-in-law to blame for my current state. And no, please – no mother-in-law jokes; my life is hard enough as it is.

I remember back in the day, when I was a respected professional, well-off, with a good future – promotion prospects were good, with the chance of becoming a partner in an up-and-coming business. Now look at me, a shambling figure of fear, avoided by everybody I know, shunned by my family – what there is left of it. My wife and my mother-in-law keep me company, and I’ve made friends among the zombies – people I wouldn’t otherwise have mixed with. The shambling and the grunting and groaning get in the way a bit when we’re trying to have a conversation, particularly when we’re trying to explain a complex concept – say the intricacies of tort law, or the presumption of innocence, but generally we get by fairly well. Initially I had some qualms about mixing with my fellow zombies – let’s face it, killing people is against the law, and I’m sworn to uphold it. But I reckon a lot of the old stuff doesn’t apply now – at least to us zombies.

Let’s face it, the Alives do everything they can to wipe us out – shotguns, baseball bats, even cricket bats, for heaven’s sake. So as I see it, what we do is simply self-defense, or looking at it another way, extending an invitation to membership of our club. I realise that alives don’t look at it that way, and I never used to myself, but now I have become a zombie I see things differently.

We roam the streets looking for brains to eat, and it’s a bit strange no longer needing to sleep. It does mean we have an advantage – the alives have to get some shut-eye sometime, and that’s our opportunity. When they’re awake it’s rather different. A shamble just doesn’t cut it against somebody running. All we can do is hope to trap them in some sort of dead-end where their speed isn’t an advantage any more. And there’s LOTS of us, and we’re persistent.

This brings up another issue, by the way. Some of my fellow zombies (not mentioning any names) are a little greedy when it comes to sharing out the brains. I’ve several times missed out on my cut of the proceeds, and I think it’s a little unfair. Of course that’s the problem. When there’s LOTS of us and only a few Alives, nobody gets very much, so we’re always hungry. Not that we can starve to death of course – after all, we’re already dead. But it’s pretty rough feeling like you’re starving all the time.

Question is, what do we do when all the Alives run out? Could we eat each other? We’ve all still got brains, after all. Maybe that’s a stupid idea, but I think we need to look to the future. The undead can’t breed, and if we eat all the Alives where will our next meals come from? Maybe we could farm them. Hey, before I joined our ranks I saw a movie about vampires doing pretty much that with Alives. Why couldn’t we? They could live long and productive lives, keep the place running (after all, you need fingers to press buttons) and finally make the ultimate sacrifice for the better good. [Author’s note to self – when I started writing this story I didn’t expect it to turn this dark . . .]

How about refuges? Maybe the Alives could all be moved to one or more islands to breed up new stock? The trouble is, how do we persuade them to do it when (a) they’re terrified of us and kill us at every opportunity and (b) it’s hard to persuade people of things when all you can do is grunt and moan.

We’ve thought of setting up a government - after all, nowadays we’re the majority. Once we’ve done that we’ll be able to organise things on a more regular basis. Maybe laws distributing the brains fairly? I’d certainly vote for that one. Of course, if your hand has fallen off it’s a bit difficult raising it to vote. But I’m sure we’d be able to work something out. And as a former lawyer maybe I can take a hand in drafting the new laws. Maybe I should run for President? I’m a lawyer, after all – well, I was a lawyer, and I was very active socially – I was on the local school council, and quite a few other societal groups. I could run a group of zombies. Looks like we’re in for a brave new world.