No Crossing Back

I thought she was a friend. We bonded immediately on our first encounter. I had just started getting involved with a local fellowship group who met periodically for a variety of events. It was shortly after my husband had passed, and I was glad to meet a new friend who was artistic, witty, and grieving, like me. Her mother had recently died, and I felt she understood loss, and the importance of moving forward after heartache. Just the friend I needed, I thought.

The day we met, we hit it off. The group outing was a small-town festival, and we walked and talked, mainly about her, and that was just what I needed. She was grieving her mother's recent death and l was grieving my husband's recent death. Her need to talk about her life got me out of myself, out of my head. A new kinship blossomed from the beginning, I thought. 

Over the next few weeks and then months, we met for lunch, walks, sports games, holiday parties. I even changed my walking schedule to accommodate her dislike of exercising during certain times of the day, and we began walking indoors at the mall due to her dislike for cooler or warmer outdoor temps. It was nice having so much in common, I thought.

Sometimes it was just the two of us, sometimes we met with the group, and sometimes her boyfriend (her ex-husband) was with us. She also had another boyfriend in another state who visited her. I was happy for her because she had “been mistreated by everyone in her life” and now she finally had some “control” over who comes and goes in her life. I was grateful to be on her list of people she wanted in her life.

We talked often and about all kinds of stuff, mainly her stuff. The stuff she had been through and was going through. One of her boyfriends – her ex-husband – became her late, ex-husband during our friendship. She had several ex-husbands, but I only met the last one of them. Like all the rest, he was a rotten pick for a husband. He treated her without concern for her needs. As with all her other divorces, she strategically planned her escape route to rid herself of them with as much of the marital assets as possible.

Right after her boyfriend/ex-husband was taken from the house to the crematory, she began arrangements for an open-house event to sell his home. She quickly, kind of planned-like, went through all his things so she could hastily sell it all, to “move on with her life.” The charge forward was necessary for her to cope with grief. Again, I thought.

She had convinced the dying ex that they were an item again, and that she would take care of him as he slowly departed. She promised to ethically use his money to take care of his pets and make sure he had a proper resting place. He had an estranged daughter whom she felt did not deserve much of his stuff. His brother did not deserve much of anything, either. Besides, the ex’s house and belongings were the long-awaited trade for not keeping her happy in their marriage.

The other boyfriend, living in another state, was kept undercover from her ex-husband/boyfriend. They would visit each other on occasion, and he would send her money and gifts. She enjoyed the attention of people because she had been disregarded by so many during her lifetime, despite all her efforts. As she told it.

I detected a side of her that I wasn’t sure about. A side that was dark – an unnerving, calculating side. Even though our friendship felt out of sync with my core values, I did not want to create a rift in our connection. I did not want to return to a devastated and lonely state that I thought she had rescued me from. Her companionship was better than isolation. Maybe the problem lies with me, not her, I thought.

I wanted to be a compassionate listener even during a vulnerable time in my life, and hearing her blame-game schemes kept me engaged and kept the stark pain of grief at bay. So, I listened to all the recounted stories of how horribly people have treated her throughout their life. How her own sisters and brothers treated her poorly and took advantage of her for different rationales. For reasons unbeknownst to her, they were all envious of her and their jealousy caused her much pain throughout the years. According to her.

She told me how close she was to her mother, who recently passed away, and how even her mother would treat her unfairly by taking her siblings’ side during sibling disagreements. I listened to how her father, still living, picked her sister to be his living will executive, and chose to reside with her sister, instead of her, after her mother’s death. She felt scorned by her father’s recent decisions, especially not choosing her to be his personal representative, legally and medically.

All her husbands treated her disappointingly. She spoke horribly of all her exes and siblings, especially the sister who was taking care of her aging, widowed father. Her father was meek, according to her, and incapable of defending her honor against her siblings. She had two grown children who seldom visited her because they were selfish, and mistreated her emotionally and financially, especially her son. According to her, the son was a mooch, and she had a hard time even being around him. According to her, no matter how good she was to her family and friends, she always got shafted by everyone – everyone.

Due to how others mistreated her, she had to resort to “sneaky” resolutions that worked in her favor, such as forging her second ex-husband’s name on documents. Getting back with her last ex-husband because he was sick, and would be dying soon. His money became hers to use after he became house-ridden, and hers to keep after he died. She thought she deserved his money and things to sell, because of the years she spent with him without the respect she deserved.

A few people from the group decided to go on a cruise. She had plenty of money now since her last ex had died, and she wanted to go, too. Several in the group went, including me. On the cruise ship, my cell phone malfunctioned due to some glitch, and I needed to call my daughter to inform. This was the turning point for which my presence in her life was obviously conditional.

Immediately upon asking her if I could briefly use her phone, things shifted. Up until this point, she had not treated me as though I was an inconvenience in her life. She knew the closeness I shared with my daughter, and her distaste for my care and concern was evident in her mannerisms. I pursued and she allowed me to use her phone briefly, but she ultimately made me feel like a burden to her, from that moment on.

I did not want to feel guilty for asking anything of her, so I reached out to the ship’s concierge and was allowed to make a few calls to my daughter while on the ship. My instinct to sooth my daughter’s worry overshadowed any thoughts of being chastised by my new pal. I began to intuitively re-frame narratives of my latest friendship, and challenging thoughts if it was truly beneficial to my healing and growth.

Her true spirit began to show when I needed her help. She exhibited feelings of resentment after a few days on the cruise ship, especially after I heartfeltly asked her to take memorable pictures on her phone and share them with me later. Up until I lost my phone, I did not ask anything from her. I did not need to; I was self-sufficient. But asking or expecting something from her was the phycological trigger that landed me on the list of all those who impeded upon her lifestyle advancement.

Things continued to shift when we returned to our hometown, and with our social circle. She had already gained another boyfriend before the cruise, and together they began hanging out with other members of the group, and she began stonewalling me. I was not devastated by the dismissal of me in her life. Plus, she had already warned me that she got what she wanted when she set out to get something. Including trickery or forgery when the situation warranted it.

My grieving heart began working together again with my mind. My cathartic healing kicked in while my sense of boundaries restored. I started processing and reflecting on my friendship with her, while reaching the conclusion to start living outside of survival mode. Blocked by grief, the misalignment of my heart and mind made it hard to operate with clarity. However, eventually, my overwhelming heart-hurt no longer outweighed my levelheadedness and coherence practices.

Staying connected with friends and social groups is valuable and necessary to overcome grief obstacles such as depression and loneliness. I thought she could be a true friend when I met her. I thought she, like myself, was purposefully channeling pain into personal growth. I knew grief looked different on everyone, and I thought her wicked ways would return to a more loving, natural state given a little healing time. I was wrong.

The last time I saw her, she had broken up with her latest boyfriend and was apparently circling back to me for friendship. The moment she began talking, I recognized her perpetual victim mentality and blame shifting. I also recognized my inner strength rising within. By this time, and with therapeutic guidance, I had reached a higher level of healing. My brain had already started re-wiring toward stability and safety, and my heart stopped engaging in fawn behaviors. I no longer thought she was a friend.

I realized that she thought of me as weak and an easy target that would forgive her and allow her back into my life, as many times as she wanted. I knew she thought of me as too benevolent to put her in her place. I also knew that she would continue to hark back to me when others disappointed her or let her down. I was her back up supply.

I had to sever connections if I was to permanently free myself of her web and deceit. I had to burn the bridge that she so haughtily believed she could cross at her convenience. I had to cross the Rubicon. With adamant strength I looked at her and said, “I have zero interest in speaking with you.” I knew that wouldn’t be enough to eliminate any future contact, so I went further with, “If you ever approach me again, I will treat it as a form of harassment. And I will tell everyone, including your family and the officials of the stories you told me about forgery, thievery, and adultery. I will tell all including names, dates, and whereabouts to find the information needed to put you in jail.”

I seriously doubt that she will want to cross paths with me again. I am pretty sure I burned that bridge down.