Blow it All Up

The typed words in the rejection email blurred together as moisture pooled into Jenna’s eyes. Quickly, she blinked the tears away, while putting a hand to her face pretending to itch her forehead. She couldn’t be seen crying at work, and regretted opening the email. Of course, she couldn’t have known whether it’d be good news or bad without reading it, but with how her life was going, she should’ve known. Moving ahead any distance, nevermind reaching-her-dreams distance, felt impossible. She told herself she’d add this email to her collection of rejections, and one day it’d make a great story in interviews. The audience would gasp in disbelief that such an incredible talent would be passed up so many times. So, so many. She sighed and closed the email.

“Hey, everything okay?” Stu whispered from the desk across from her.

It took her a moment to realize he was talking to her. “Oh, yeah. I think I just need more coffee.”

He smiled and nodded like he understood. Relieved he accepted the lie, she grabbed her coffee mug. It was still half full and decently warm, but she’d pretend to refill it anyway. As she stood up, she heard the boss, Mr. Palmer, barking her name.

“Jenna! I have an important meeting in an hour. I need you to clean the bathroom and vacuum the floor.”

“Oh, okay.” She glanced around at her co-workers, wondering why it was always her that was assigned to these tasks. It didn’t bother her to clean. She didn’t see herself as above it. It bothered her that it wasn’t fair and evenly distributed among them like it should be.

“I’ll help.” Stu said this loud enough that Mr. Palmer could hear it as he walked away. Mr. Palmer stopped, turned around and laughed.

“No need, Stu. Jenna can handle it and I know you’ve got a lot to do.”

And I don’t? Jenna bit her tongue. She didn’t want to start any trouble and she liked Stu. They did have the exact same job though. She smiled at Stu and thanked him for the offer.

“Such bullshit,” Stu muttered.

Jenna walked to the cleaning supply closet, hopeful this could distract her from the rejection email. Unfortunately, cleaning seemed to allow for more thinking rather than less. It was hard knowing if she should try harder or give up. People always said never give up. Then if you watched a talent show with an obviously bad singer, everyone will criticize that person for not knowing better and giving up before humiliating themselves. Was she the kind of person who just needed to keep going, or the kind who was completely humiliating herself?

“I just need a win,” she muttered to herself while vacuuming. A strange brown object made her pause. She bent closer to the thing on the floor, knowing it was too large to vacuum. After examining it and the little flies buzzing around it, she realized it was a banana. Did one of her coworkers really just fling a banana in the corner and abandon it? How disgusting. With a groan, she grabbed a paper towel to lift the rotten fruit with and tossed it in the trash can.

By the time lunch break came around, Jenna already couldn’t wait to leave. She sat alone in the small break room watching her coworkers laugh and share weekend plans. Football parties, spa visits, and binge watching shows were the highlights. A few would be driving kids to a million different sports and activities. Jenna felt envious of the energy these kids must have. It surprised her when Stu sat across from her.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi.” She waved and then blushed, feeling stupid for waving.

“Thank god it’s Friday, right?” He chuckled and unwrapped a sandwich.

“Yeah,” she sighed.

“Any big weekend plans?” He scrunched his nose to adjust his glasses and bit into the sandwich. Sauce dripped off the edges and down his hands.

“I do, actually.” Jenna brightened as she remembered. “I’m going to this ghost hunting event.”

“Ghost hunting?” Stu snorted. “You like ghost stories or something?”

Jenna felt her cheeks burning. “Well, I got really interested in the afterlife when my younger brother died and …”

“Whoa! Your younger brother died? Geez, how? Like a car crash or something?”

“Uh, something like that.” From how he was acting, Jenna didn’t think getting into the real tragic story was a good idea. Stu looked so distressed, it made her uncomfortable. “It was a long time ago.”

Jenna hated feeling like she should downplay it to comfort him. It was a hard loss. People always told her time would heal. In her experience, she never really felt healed. Time dulled the intensity of her feelings mostly. Though sometimes she still had break down moments. It felt like a subtle ache that always remained. Like a part of her was just missing. She didn’t intend to make Stu so upset. It was true her brother started her interest and it didn’t seem like a weird thing to say.

“I don’t want anything to do with that. Ghosts and all that. Spirits go to heaven or hell and you just leave them alone. No, I don’t want any parts of ghosts and all that. Actually, I have to make a phone call.” Stu kept shaking his head. He swallowed the rest of his sandwich in one massive bite, licked off his fingers and hands, grabbed his stuff, and walked away. Jenna sat stunned until she noticed people leaving the break room.

For a moment she worried about losing her one potential friend, then decided she didn’t need friends like that anyway. Still, it was nice having back up with her boss. Now she’d probably be on her own.

The work day ended with the tiniest bit of luck. It had rained all day, but stopped in time for the evening commute. Jenna’s car wasn’t working and she couldn’t afford the repairs, so she’d been riding her bike to and from work until she could save enough. Her apartment wasn’t exactly close and her bike wasn’t the best, but she convinced herself it was good to get the exercise. The roads home were mostly uneven and broken pavement, but luckily they weren’t too busy. She put on her backpack and helmet before starting the journey.

Sometimes while riding home, she imagined conversations with her younger brother. She didn’t really believe he was a ghost. From everything she’d read about ghosts, it didn’t sound like a good thing for them to be around. She’d much rather her brother cross over to whatever came after than hang around just for her. Still, they were best friends and the imagined conversations offered a bit of a comfort before the sting of loss hit.

“Sometimes I kind of wish I could just blow up my whole life and start over. You know like in movies where the main character just wrecks everything, but somehow it’s all okay. Things work themselves out and they find their happy ending. I don’t think it’s like that in real life though. I think in real life it’s quite amazing the amount of shit that can keep getting piled onto a person without relief.”

She thought he might say something like, “Well, I don’t know about blowing it all up, but maybe try something different. You don’t have to just take it all the time.”

With a sigh, she wished they could jump around and do silly dances or watch some ridiculous comedy movie with homemade popcorn covered in all sorts of syrups. They could play video games that he was mostly better at, but every now and then she’d win.

A large, dark puddle hugged the edge of the narrow road. Going further into the road didn’t seem safe, because she’d have to go all the way to the other side. It seemed better to stay as close to the edge as possible. She decided to stay slow because she couldn’t tell how deep it was or if the road below it was uneven and broken up. Right as she started into the puddle, she heard the loud revving of a truck. A large black lifted truck was hurtling towards her. She was already as close to the curb as possible. Instead of going wide to give her room, the truck looked like it planned to hit her. It came up so fast and launched a wave of greasy grit filled water that crashed over her. She closed her eyes and threw up a hand instinctively. The bike wobbled. She tried to open her eyes, but dirt and water covered them. She frantically wiped at her eyes with one hand, and tried to control the bike with the other. It was too late. Her bike wobbled and then collapsed. As she fell to the muddy ground, she heard boisterous laughter from the driver. Something about it sounded familiar. Her stomach dropped as she got a good look at the truck and its license plate. One she often saw in her work’s parking lot. The driver was Mr. Palmer.

Whether or not he recognized her, she couldn’t tell. Maybe he wanted to hurt her, or maybe he hated all cyclists. Either way, her blood boiled. “He’s such a fucking asshole!”

Jenna screamed. There weren’t any houses around, but she didn’t care if there were. Her palms were bleeding and the fall had been rough, but the anger was all she felt. She picked up handfuls of rocks, grass, and mud to toss. Tears blurred her vision. A gust of wind pierced through her soaked clothes. Her teeth chattered and her body shook with shivers. Exhaustion took over and she wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep. The heavy numbness felt like pushing against a wall to stand again. She stood up and checked for any major injuries.

A small red car slowed to a stop. A middle aged woman with a toddler in the backseat lowered her car window. “Are you okay?”

Jenna smiled, fighting back tears. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

“Do you need a ride?”

“Thank you. It’s not much further though.” Jenna wanted the help, but she needed her bike and couldn’t really trust strangers. The kindness offered an emotional boost that helped her get back on the bike though. Once she got home, she’d make some hot tea, take a nice shower, and curl up in her blankets. Then tomorrow she’d have fun at the ghost event. The weekend would offer a break. Things would be bearable.

Learning more about the afterlife, comforted Jenna. In all the near death stories, people saw and experienced similar things. It felt like proof. It sounded peaceful. If that were true, then her brother was okay. Maybe she’d see him again in some capacity and that would be amazing, but most importantly he was okay. She understood why people liked believing the things they did. It helped pull them from the darkness and the mental spiral of not knowing at all. It offered protection from the fear of simply ceasing to exist.

When Jenna walked into the ghost event, she didn’t have any expectations. She just felt comforted in these environments where people actually talked openly about what might happen to people. With how her life had been lately, she felt a bit more nervous than usual. It seemed like everything was going wrong.

The audience was small. Only a handful of people scattered across the room. The ghost hunters sat at the front of the room, by a table filled with books and merchandise. In case a crowd suddenly flooded the room, Jenna decided to buy a book now. Supporting people trying to make it through life in creative, nontraditional ways felt important to her. Even if she didn’t have money to spare, she wanted to offer something.

“Hey, how’s it going?” A man from the ghost hunter crew smiled at her.

There was something about that smile and the softness in his brown eyes that warmed her heart. “Good. I’m so excited to be here. How are you?”

“Happy to be here as well. Let me know if you have any questions or need help with anything.”

“Actually, can you tell me more about how you got into this type of work? Like how someone could get started?”

The man grinned. “Are you looking for a job?”

“Maybe,” Jenna blushed. “I’m looking for a change and I’m so fascinated by all of this.”

A woman with beautiful copper curls and big green eyes leaned over. “Hello, I’m Kate. I’m not sure how serious you are, but we actually just lost a crew member today. She’s going on maternity leave, but I really have a feeling she’s not going to want to come back after. She just seems like she really wants to be a stay at home mom.”

“Wait a minute, Kate.” The man laughed. He turned towards Jenna. “You should know it’s not an easy job and definitely not a well paying job.”

“It’s a lot of travel, which some people like,” Kate said.

“Some people don’t.” The man said.

“I don’t mind at all, but I also don’t have a car.” Jenna said with a frown.

“That’s fine. We all travel together in the van.”

“We have a lot of fun.” The man added. “But I’m serious, that it’s shit pay. We basically beg everywhere we go.”

“Do you write at all?” Kate asked.

“Oh, yes! I love writing. That’s what I want to do.”

“I have a good feeling about you.” Kate said. “Let’s talk more after the show.”

“Yes, I’d love to.” Jenna felt her insides dancing. Her shoulders felt lighter. “Honestly, this almost feels too good to be true. It’s such perfect timing.”

Jenna didn’t realize she said that last part out loud until the man smiled.

“Maybe you just have someone looking out for you.” The man said this as if he were talking to someone next to Jenna, but there wasn’t anyone there. She felt a sting of tears and a sense of calm wash over her. After the way things had been the last few months, this sounded laughable at first. Still, she couldn’t quite shake the feeling that maybe there was. She thought back to her made up conversation with her brother, and said to herself, “Let’s blow it all up.”