The worst witches bake the best sweets

“By the moon, this girl is hopeless,” I watch her from the window, disappointment growing in my chest. The scent of vanilla extract fills the air, mixed with a dash of nightshade. “Wasted potential.”

My protégée, Marina, is one of the few candidates chosen this year to join Queen Florymonde de Servian’s court. Yet, here she is, wasting her time baking sweets instead of studying to impress her majesty. She occasionally talks about new ways of manipulating mana, but sounds more like a theory than a real thing. Nothing that could impress the Queen if she can’t prove that she can do it.

“I need to talk to her,” I sigh, resignation washing over my earlier irritation as I jump down and enter the kitchen.

“Raggedy Randy!” She squeals when she sees me.

I don’t roll my eyes, but I make sure she can see my disappointment. The gods cursed me the day I was appointed as her familiar. This vessel is nothing but a manifestation of her powers. She gave me this form when we first met, and, as with the name, it’s downright humiliating. Other familiars manifest as death worms, tokoloshes, dracaenaes, or ghouls. Even those who become animals do so as panthers, black-widows, giant boars, or ravens. Not a miserable house cat with the utmost demeaning name.

“That name was uncouth ten years ago, as it is to this day,” I say, sitting at the kitchen counter. “Eight years old shouldn’t be naming anything, much less a minor deity like myself.”

She ignores my complaints (as usual) as she runs and hugs me, how I wish she would stop. How I wish I could fight back. Unfortunately, once you become a familiar, your own magic prevents you from hurting your master. A safe sail for situations like mine in which the master proves to be a complete buffoon.

“Who’s a good kitty?” she says, scratching my chin.

“Stop it already,” I demand as I use my paw to stop her hands. “It’s unbecoming of any witch to show love to anything but herself.”

“Aww,” she pouts.

“And stop with the pouting, that’s even worse,” I say with a frown.

“But your fur is so soft and so pretty, it’s dark blue, almost black with a violet hue. And when the sun hits right, it shines. I want to bury my face in it.”

I feel the hairs on my back rise in frustration; it’s been the same since we first met. Instead of behaving like a proper witch, making everybody cower in fear, making the world her playground, she wastes her time volunteering at animal shelters and reading to the elderly. Not once has she eaten the heart of her enemies, or cursed their descendants to the seventh generation. Never seeking revenge on those who mocked her and called her names like “Foreigner” or “dyke” shrugging off the insults, indifferent. My sense of failure grows. How am I supposed to guide her to the deepest rings of hell if she keeps behaving like that? It frustrates me to no end. No temptation or promise works on her. When her friend, Sol Su-Jin, was selected to join the court last year, I had hoped that she would unleash her darkness, but no, she still limits herself to sweets and her garden. Gods, free me of her soon.

I frown as she keeps staring at me, making sad eyes.

“Stop it and get to work, you are not going to impress the Queen with those sweets,” I warn her.

“Oh, but I will,” she says with a sly smile, and I’m taken aback with genuine surprise. I have never seen her smile like that. Maybe there is still hope for this girl.

A few days later

I take back anything positive I have ever said about my protégée. We are in the sacred land of Raebershire, in the castle of Queen Florymonde de Servian, one of the direct descendants of the nine sisters, whose powers shaped the world as it is today. Yet, instead of being in awe of the magnificent castle, decorated with tapestries representing the history of our race, or the raw power the Queen and her court emanate, Marina waltzes around unbothered. Too busy making small talk, trying to pet the familiars gathered here. What's wrong with her? She has one chance to impress the Queen, or she will be a pariah forever, cast out by all. And me with her, the laughingstock of all familiars. Gods, what did I do that I’m punished like this?

She is not even wearing ceremonial black robes, or black at all. Instead, she wears a blue dress with golden stars that make her deep brown skin shine. The sleeves are low and puffy, revealing her shoulders, and the skirt has several layers of fabric, giving her a whimsical appearance. Her leather short boots match her purse, and her curly, ash-brown hair is free-flowing, bold, and beautiful. If she is trying to make a statement, she did. Hundreds of eyes watch her as she confidently approaches the throne.

I rush to her side, as it is my duty, even if my cheeks burn with shame as other familiars mock my small appearance.

“Honored Queen Florymonde de Servian, the greatest witch of her generation, I humbly thank you for the opportunity today,” she says with a curtsy.

Thank the moon, she remembered to curtsy. Small mercies, I guess. As she showers the Queen with praises, (as I taught her), her eyes flicker with malice. What could have possibly triggered the reaction? I check the people behind the throne. I don’t recognize any faces, which is expected, as the Queen changes both lovers and advisors as others change clothes. But I think I recognize the small body clutched between the Queen’s legs. She has matted raven hair and beautiful monolid eyes. Unfortunately, those gorgeous eyes are hidden behind a swollen face and several cuts and bruises. She shakes as the Queen pets her hair, but doesn’t dare to move. I look at Marina, and that sly smile of hers is back. She has recognized her old friend, Sol Su-Jin, and she has recognized Marina as well. A silent conversation happens between the two while Marina keeps spouting nonsense. This can’t be good.

Marina makes a curtsy again, and with a flick of her pinkie, a tray of sweets shows in front of the Queen.

“Please accept this humble gift of mine, oh, Queen Florymonde de Servian, the greatest witch of her generation.”

“Spatial magic,” she says with a tight little smile. “Not bad, not great, mediocre at best.”

Marina only smiles. She flicks her pinkie again, and rows upon rows of trays appear, covering the entire floor. I jump in surprise. When did she make this many sweets?

The Queen eyes her critically, “still a minor trick,” she concludes.

“What if I told you that they are poisoned and that I came here to kill you?”

Crap. Now she had crossed the line. Girl, what in the world are you thinking? I may be immortal, but the gods will make sure I suffer for this transgression.

The deafening silence was broken by the Queen’s sudden laugh.

“Stupid girl,” she says with a dismissive gesture. “I’m immune to any poison that has ever existed. I could eat all your sweets and you wouldn’t be any closer to killing me.”

“Wanna bet?” She retorts, eyebrows raised. “Or are you scared?”

The Queen turns red as a chorus of gasps echoes through the room. The inquisitive eyes that were judging Marina now turned to the Queen. Why gods, why?

“Impudent girl,” she howls. “I should cut your tongue for your insolence.”

“Is that a no?”

The Queen’s fury burns the air, whispers buzzing like hornets. Please, gods, end me now. This wasn’t my idea.

“Fine, I will show you my power,” the Queen says, grabbing a macaron and eating it.

Everybody watches expectantly. I think I’m not breathing.

“See?” the Queen celebrates. “I’m fine.”

I let out a breath of relief, heart still pounding, when the Queen suddenly started to cough up blood. Panic spikes. Is she truly coughing blood?!

Several people rush to aid the Queen while others attack Marina. I do my best to shield her from the attacks, but my tiny body is not helping.

“Don’t worry, Raggedy Randy, you will no longer be small.” Marina grabs me by the scruff of the neck. I’m about to protest when I feel a strange tingle in my body.

I scream, “What are you doing?”

“You will see,” she says with her sly smile.

Bit by bit, people seem to become smaller, or maybe I’m getting bigger. I notice some familiars are getting smaller too, those that Marina petted earlier. I feel mana flooding inside me, amplifying my size and power.

“Wha–?”

“I bound their mana to you,” Marina explains to me as she jumps onto my back. Now I’m bigger than a horse, and Marina can ride me easily. “Now their power is yours.”

I laugh, and my laugh sounds like thunder. I’m big, I’m powerful. And I’m going to have so much fun. With glee, I chase after all the fools who dared to attack us before. I trap them between my paws and toy with them. Everything is chaos. Perfect and magnificent chaos. People run and scream, some try to hide, some fight among themselves. There are several bodies on the floor, the Queen among them. If not dead, soon, and I’m in the middle of it. This is the most glorious day of my life.

“Don’t forget our main mission,” Marina tells me, and I freeze. Main mission? What main mission? What could top destroying the court and claiming the crown? Then I see Sol Su-Jin, hiding behind the throne, battered and desperate. Her familiar, a crow named Kim Crow, stands guard. And then it hits me, everything is for her, I realize with bitter disappointment. Not for power, not for greed but for love. Marina jumps and rushes to her side. Why does she never behave like she should? I howl. Why, even now, does it have to be selfless reasons? Bitterly, I stop the chase and simply swat people away with dull indifference. The fun completely drained out of my body.

Marina jumps back, Sol Su-Jin in her arms bridal style. Now that I look closely, her wounds look worse than I thought. I shiver. Kim Crow rests on my head.

“Hey, Kim,” I greet him as I rush to the exit.

“Hey Randy, thank you for helping rescue my mistress.”

“It wasn’t my idea,” I say, because it wasn’t.

“Still, thanks for the help.”

“I couldn’t refuse an order from my mistress.”

“That’s not true, and you know it; we get punished if we attack our masters, but nothing prevents us from disobeying.”

“Kim, you better shut up before I put you on the menu.”

Thankfully, Kim shuts up. What does he know anyway? Unfortunately, I cannot dwell on my thoughts for long, as surprises are not over yet.

“WITCH HUNTERS!”

“To the west,” Marina commands, and I obey. Running as fast as I can, with my new size, we cover several miles in minutes. I run until I’m drained of mana and go back to my usual size. It was good while it lasted.

Marina helps Sol Su-Jin lie down and starts applying various potions. I sit next to Marina.

“How did you do it?” I ask. “How did you prepare everything without anyone noticing? How did you know what to prepare?”

Marina gives me a thin, unreadable smile.

“My Sol and I share a special link; we can see each other in our dreams,” she begins, and I’m surprised; it’s the first time I've heard this. “When the Queen kidnapped her, I swore to rescue her.”

“My knight in shining armor,” Sol Su-Jin says with a weak smile. Marina smiles back and gives her a little peck.

(“My princess,” she whispers.)

“Between all the information she passed me in our dreams and my own knowledge, I started to bake a plan,” she keeps explaining. “I worked on my garden, creating new poisonous plants that the Queen would have no protection against. And studied your mana until I learnt how to manipulate it.”

“And you did all of this to my back? Call me impressed.”

“Thanks,” she says, trying to pet my head. I stop her with a swat.

“That being said, I can’t believe we ran away instead of staying and claiming the throne!”

“Perhaps–”

I growl and stop Kim Crow before he can say anything useless again. He flies away. I keep with the scolding.

“You killed a Queen, a direct descendant of one of the nine sisters. A feast only a handful of people can claim. And all to save your little girlfriend! When are you going to behave like a real witch? Witches are selfish, cold-blooded monsters. That’s how it has always been! That’s how it’s supposed to be!”

The rant helps me to calm down, but not much.

“Not to be that person,” starts Sol Su-Jin with a raspy voice. Her head on Marina’s lap. “But, have you thought that someone who does whatever the hell she wants, completely disregarding the law, and starts a war with a Queen for the pettiest of reasons is a pretty good example of selfishness?"

I narrow my eyes until they are little more than a slit. I hope that girl understands how much it annoys me that she has a point.

Then, something distracts me from my scolding. A faint buzzing, like something rattling inside my skull. It's irritating. I try to pinpoint where it’s coming from, but a sudden yell freezes me.

“Hands where I can see them, witches!”

Of course! The buzzing comes from their anti-magic talismans. I hiss, how did they find us? I prepare for what is probably the worst battle of my life when Marina puts me in her arms.

“Calm down, it’s just me and my Sol,” she says.

I can’t stop staring at her. What is going on? Haven’t we had enough surprises in one night? Marina scratches my head.

“Sorry,” she whispers. “But be quiet, I haven’t told them everything.”

I let out a low growl. Girl, what have you done now? I remain quiet, though mostly because I don’t have anything to say to a witch hunter anyway.

“Hey Marina, everything ok?” she asks.

“Yeah, thanks for checking on us, Rain."

I carefully observe this “Rain”, she is taller than Marina and has bigger muscles too. Her skin has a sandy texture, and half of her hair is shaved. The other half is dark brown, neatly combed into small braids. She wears military clothes like all the witch hunters do. All in all, she looks like an average soldier; nobody important enough for me to care about. Although I still need to figure out why she is still alive when there are two against one. Even if Sol Sun-Ji is wounded, she is still a witch, stronger than any hunters.

“Is everything ready?” Marina asks Rain.

“Yeah,” Rain answers with a nod, showing Marina a map. “Here are the coordinates; nobody knows them but me and my immediate superior.”

Marina burns the map. Good. I guess she didn’t lose all her brain cells yet.

“And the house?”

The witch hunter sights.

“Yes, everything is ready. Every single little detail you asked for is ready,” the witch hunter deadpanned. Marina smiled.

“Quit complaining. You killed a Queen tonight. This is a fair price.”

“Your list of requirements was insane,” the witch hunter accused her.

Marina shrugs.

“I know what I want and what I’m worth.”

“You made us add a spire! And a private deck!” The poor idiot waved her arms like a madwoman.

I’m glad Marina can irritate a witch hunter like this. But I still feel like I’m missing a key component.

“Anyway, it’s not my problem anymore, as long as you hold to your end of the deal, we won’t bother you again.”

“Fine by me.”

Marina and the witch hunter stared at each other for a moment.

“WhatyoudidwasverybraveIwishyouthebest,” the witch hunter rushed before running away.

Thank the moon she is gone. If I don’t see a witch hunter ever again, it will be too soon.

“So that was the famous Rain,” casually commented Sol Su-Jin, standing up. “You didn’t tell me she was so pretty.”

“She was? I didn’t notice, I only have eyes for you.”

Sol Su-Jin smiled and hugged Marina, trapping me in the middle. I howl and jump down.

“Sorry about that Randy,” she apologizes. I huff. At least one has manners.

“Marina, are you finally going to tell me what is going on?”

“I negotiated a haven for us,” Marina says with a triumphal smile, “in exchange for the Queen.”

Several thoughts swirl in my head as I try to understand what I just heard. Marina, my stupid protégée, planned a murder and sold out her own people while I wasn’t watching.

“How?”

“We met at the animal shelter and the elderly home because I knew you wouldn’t dare to follow me there. Couldn’t risk you leaking information.”

She–she didn’t trust me?

“I have never been more proud of you in my entire life.”

And of course, she has to hug me.

“I take it back, I take it back!”

“No backsies!” Marina laughed.

Thankfully, Sol Su-Jin stops her.

“Should we get moving?” She suggested.

“Yeah,” agreed Marina. “It’s a little far away, but you are going to love it. The weather there is great, and the house is huge! We have plenty of bedrooms, easy to defend too.”

“We will have to give up on magic?”

“Well, what they don’t know can’t hurt them, right?" she says unapologetic.

I puff my chest with pride. Maybe there is still hope for this girl.