Past's burns

Past's burns.

Trigger warning: grief, mental health, violence, death of family members and other sensitive topics.

My opened eyes were immediately met with a chainsaw that was flying right onto me. I tried to scream, but understood my mouth was taped. Fall. That was what my family taught me to do. If I'm tied to a chair and something is flying onto me(don't ask) try my best to fall on the floor. I gave the full force of my body to fall down on the floor and it worked.

Just hitting my head on the wood I realised that the chair I was sitting on…Was a doll chair. And my hands were scotched up to the back of it. My head buzzed. I fell on a very bad angle. I fell right where my temple was. And just a day before I bruised it because some little kid hit me with a stone.

I wanted to moan in pain but the tape was muffling it. I looked up and saw a little girl standing over me. Nope,I wasn't hallucinating. But at first I genuinely thought I was.

The girl was probably as tall as my elbow if we'd both be standing, but now she was looming over me. She had very,very very very(I could write a whole page of very, still wouldn't be enough) pale skin. I used to love the Dracula book and movie as a teen, exactly his skin she had. She also had black hair. How's the darkest one called? Jet black? That one she had. Her eyes were red. Just like her mouth. Red like a ton of lipstick was put on it. And big. And she was wearing…A princess dress. The pale pink dress with pretty sleeves and flowers.

But there was blood on it.

As I said, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that that girl was the one who threw the chainsaw and who kidnapped me. She just looked…Too weak and pale…

I stared up at her. She stared back at me. Her mouth turned up into a smile that looked like a horror movie. Her lips were even bigger. “I knew you'd wake up. Hi!”-she twirled.

Twirled. After everything that kid just twirled. For a second I felt more outraged than scared.

She leaned over me and forced me to look her in the eyes. “I'm Va. Somphore. Don't worry,Miri, you're in good hands.”-she giggled.

The last sentence…Made me even more weary for several reasons. How in the world does she know my name? And why am I ‘in her hands'?

All that situation just felt like some fever dream to me. I wanted to chuckle breathlessly when I thought about it being a dream.

But suddenly there was hope. It was such a small, ridiculous one. Because really, it felt too real to be a dream. The pain was too real.

But also…The whole thing was just…Absurd. I'm at a home of a little child, tied up and laying at her feet. I just got thrown a chainsaw at myself by her and she just looks like from some horror movie. This had to be a dream.

I didn't know what to believe. All I wanted was to scream. But my mouth was still taped.

Va leaned over me. She stared at me for a moment, before throwing the tape off my mouth.

My mouth hair probably was taped off too. It felt gross and uncomfortable. Mechanically I touched the place with my tongue. Yes. It was ripped away.

Took me a moment to realise the tape was thrown off. And the next moment I was already screaming my lungs off. I couldn't even form words. All that got out of my mouth was ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA’.

That whole time Va just stared.

When I was finished,she suddenly untaped me from the chair and threw me onto the floor. Once again,I was shocked by how strong she was. “Scream.-she hissed with a sudden venom- Cry your voice out. Nobody will hear you. You're.my.torture.doll.”

The last sentence sounded the most angry…She still stared into my eyes, thrashing her teeth and pressing me onto the floor with aggression.

I stared back at her. Dared not to move or even breathe.

That continued for a few seconds before she suddenly climbed off me.

The door was my freedom. My legs sprung up as I tried to bolt as fast as I could. But I tripped over another doll chair and fell straight on the ground. Ouch.

And suddenly Va was standing over me again. “Miri…Where are you going? What about a tea party?”

“N-no,I don't like tea!”-I squeaked. I still don't know why I squaked. Maybe I just was that scared.

It wasn't true. I loved, still love,tea. Just…I didn't want to drink anything from her…

She giggled. It sounded more like an old wheel barrow creaking. “Miri Miri…You really think I'll give you tea?”

I was suddenly paralyzed off my voice again so I just shrugged.

Va shook her head. “Noo, tea is for little lowlifes. I give my beloved only fresh and sweet blood.”

What…What. WHAT? My set of reactions to that. My eyes must've changed at the last one because she giggled again, petting my hair. “Miri, haven't you ever tried blood? Aw, you're missing out. Wait, I'll bring it. And…Want some meat? Oh,why'm I asking? I know you do. I have the best best meat!”-then she giggled and taped me up again. “I'll be back soon!”

Once I had a moment alone I could finally look the room better. It could've been just a normal child's room. Pale pink walls with what I saw now were white flowers. A little bed with pale pink sheets. A flower carpet I wasn't laying that far from. Figurines of princesses on shelves. A small table with a mirror. A small closet.

So who was she? Did she have parents? Siblings? Friends? ANYONE who knew her? Apart from the creepiness and blood and all the unreal features she seemed to look like an eight year old. So where in the world were her parents?

The whole thing was getting scary. I never thought I'd live long to see myself tortured by a little child who had a movie monster mouth.

I couldn't concentrate on making a plan of escape. My thoughts kept wandering into some different directions.

And she was back. She was carrying a small doll cup and a paper plate. With slices of…Raw meat.

I gagged.

She smiled even wider. “Miri, it's tea time! I brought you meat and blood!”-she giggled again forcing me on the chair and moving it to a doll table.

The raw meat was right infront of me. I swear,I saw some bug on it!

Va put the blood next to it. “Eat.”-she said one word.

There was one thing I could try. Maybe would save me time. “Uh…Va, I have no knife or fork.”-I almost grinned at how my escape plan sounded in my head.

I could wait until she untapes me. Then make a run for it. I was a fast runner,I could try it.

But Va had guessed something. Or just wasn't that dumb. “Miri,-she said- open your mouth.”

Gulp. I didn't open it.

She waited. I waited too. I knew that if I disobeyed she would probably kill me. But I couldn't force myself to eat raw meat.

The silence stretched on. But finally she broke it. Her voice…It was worse than even the moment she'd called me her doll. “Miri…Why are you being difficult? You want to run don't you?-she paused- But no one's waiting for you in the outside. All your family is dead and decayed. You have no friends. No boyfriend. Not even a mentor. So what're you trying to achieve?”-she looked me right into the eyes.

Ow. That one hurt. I've done good not feeling lonely…Up until someone talked it again…

“I could give you all the love you need. I know all about you.-she tilted her head to the left- Wanna hear it?”

I knew I'd regret it, but I nodded.

She took a moment's pause. “Miri Hashnat. Twenty years old. Born in the city outskirts. Family died ten years ago in a fire. You had a mother, Ailella Hashnat. A father, Kimisonon Hashnat. An older sister,Welly Hashnat. A younger sister, Maika Hashnat. All dead. You've escaped by-”

I can't listen to that anymore. I close my eyes and mumble: “Stop.”

Va forces my eyes open. I feel the lump in my throat. I suddenly feel like that child again, crawling out the door with tears flowing down my face. The flames. The heat. The guilt.

She's forcing my eyes open so I try to look anywhere but at her.

I want a hug. And I'm eleven again, sitting in our house's big living room. My mom is reading a story to me and Maika. The fire inside the fireplace is small and safe. Six years old Maika watches the burning wood, paying little attention to the story. There's a smell of cookies and chocolate. Welly is making her perfect biscuits,the recipe of which she made herself. Singing loudly a song we've all heard a million times. A song she's obsessed with. Dad's asleep on the couch after a long work day, suddenly he snores way too loud. Maika starts giggling. Me and mom laugh too. He opens his eyes for a second,looks around with a funny expression. Then starts snoring again.

The evening before there is nothing but ashes and rotten bodies left.

For some reason I started writing in present tense. But weell, I'm not gonna show this to anyone. So to hell with correcting it.

Va got so close to me that I saw nothing else but her. “Miri.”-she whispered my name almost into my mouth.

But then…She hugged me. Her small arms around my neck. Her face in my shoulder.

I couldn't breathe. Those arms. They reminded of…Maika. When I was down, she'd run up to me and hug me. She always looked so loving when she did that. She always looked up at me with her grey eyes and say: “Miri, don't cry. You finished crying? Please don't cry!” Then she'd bring me some of my favourite white bread. There was no food in the world that I loved more than white bread. It always calmed me down. We'd sit together and have it. She'd then hug me again.

Now Va was hugging me exactly the same way. At first I wasn't even hearing that she was saying something. But then… “Miri,do you want some white bread?”

Some kind of memory blackout. But the other moment I remember that I was crying. I was sobbing loudly like I always did when being on strong emotions.

“Miri.”

Snapped me back to reality.

I looked at her. The tears were blurring my eyes.

Her voice sounded so much like Maika's too. At that moment, was like she came back.

Maika,Va put a hand on my cheek. “Miri. You're scared to make friends. Men find you ugly. Teachers and your boss don't notice how hard you're trying.”

Fff…Pains. Pains even more when I saw Maika.

She continued. Didn't see, or purposely ignored the tears that came back to my face. “I'm just like you. You don't believe me, but I'm from another planet. I was left here by accident. I was alone too.-she hugs me again - But then I saw you. We're very similar. Me and you,we both want love. If you stay with me, we'll play so many games! You'll like them!”

“Why?-I rasp out, trying to keep myself in SOME common sense and remind myself that she's a kidnaper and that she almost forced me to eat raw meat and drink blood- Why me? There are a lot of lonely people who want love…I don't look that lonely.”

I was pressing the words out of myself. If I didn't I was going to lose my head. I was gonna beg her to let me stay and call her Maika.

But I knew that she knew. She knew everything and was just acting a part to make me stay. Somehow she knew everything about my past.

She giggled, more like chuckled. “Miri, you're a good emotion masker, I'll give it to you. But I stalked you. I got into your mind, cabbagella.”

All the words. The name. Her,Maika Somphore,Va Hashnat. Sister!

No. Not my sister. My sister was dead. I bite my lip hardly and that helps me snap back to reality even just a bit.

Still when I look her in the eyes…I see Maika.

I don't remember what was then. But I remember her sitting me on her bed and holding my two hands. Like Maika. “Miri,-she said- I'll let you go. Run and go back to your life. Or you can stay. And we'll play forever! I'll be Maika. You'll be with her again.”

You'll be with her again. I can be the best sister ever! All I have to do is play and she'll be happy! She'll forgive me for abandoning her everyone! And all will be-

It won't. Common sense and survival instinct snaps me to my reality. Maika is dead. Staying with Va I'll become nothing. Never have a chance to be a normal person like I've always wanted.

But it's all this common sense! All because of this ‘common sense' I've crawled away when I found that there was a hole burned in a wall of our locked house instead of running to save Maika! Save everyone!

I can't turn back time. I was just a kid. What happened has happened. Now I just need to turn back until this nutsy ailien girl allows me to.

But she looks so much like Maika! Do you remember?! You saw her falling down the stairs, a table fell on her! She was begging you! Begging you to get her out! And you ran! Do you wanna hurt her again! Do you wanna abandon her again?!

That's not Maika.

But she's just like her! If we couldn't give the love to Maika, let's give it to someone else!

Overwhelmed I felt. The two voices kept screaming inside me. They were so loud! So loud I couldn't hear anything else!

And I couldn't take it anymore. I jumped up like lightning. My vision was disoriented. I pushed Va out of the way. So hard even she fell back. And ran. Ran until I fell. She was right behind. She thought I'd stay. But I ran.

Ran until I fell on the hard stone of the pavement. The sidewalk where I saw myself last time. I hit my head. Another blackout.

And I remember waking up at a hospital. Staying there for a few days. No visitors, obviously.

Then packing my bags and leaving the state. The first decision I've ever made of feelings,not common sense.

And I don't regret it. I can't take no more. I've started healing,or at least living a somehow normal life. And then Va.

Now I can't go back. I can't go to another university. I can't start another part-time job. I'm staying at some charity house for the homeless. And every day I see worse than even Va. And I keep thinking about everything. All the memories. Va. Maika. Welly. Mom. Dad.

And I keep writing these every night.

Writing and then burning. Again and again.