Argument with a Dead Man

Roxanne checked online to see if any information existed about her ex-husband, Arnold. She had heard Arnold and died. Curiosity drove the queries, not a strong desire for knowledge or vengeance.

Well, maybe vengeance. Not the kind of vengeance that would do harm to anyone. The kind of revenge for the wrongs that man had inflicted on her. If he had died....only words.

Curiosity raised its ugly head, when did Arnold die and where is he buried? The online check revealed Arnold was placed in the same cemetery as Jerry, Roxanne's beloved husband. Argh, how terrible!

One summer morning, when Roxanne went to the cemetery to pay respect and talk to Jerry, her husband of thirty years. She checked to see if Arnold was really buried there. The kiosk printed the location of Arnold's grave, one of the columbarium wall niches.

She debated, should she see where the niche is located, or just leave. She had no real feelings for or against him, he was just a person from the past. Curiosity again.

Roxanne carried the printout. She located the columbarium, slowly checking names. She found him.

The weak morning sunlight peaked through the clouds. The sound of a mild breeze rustled the leaves which mingled with the chorus of birdsongs. She stood gazing at the clouds, enjoying the feeling the peacefulness of the cemetery.

Breaking the silence, Roxanne spoke, "How did you get placed in a wall here? Who made the arrangements? Esther? Kelly?"

Of course, there was no answer, Arnold was dead. Roxanne stood for a long while, considering what she felt seeing his name. Roxanne considered leaving, letting bygones be bygones. At first, she felt nothing. Then a flood of memories, and emotions from that marriage overtook her. First the hurt. The hurt turned into anger.

Again, Roxanne asked to the wall, "How did you get here? Why here?" She took a deep breath.

"Arnold, for years I hated you. After all the therapy, I still don't like you. You had NO right to treat me the way you did."

A tear fell from her eyes as her emotions refused to stay down.

"I really thought you could love me. I wanted you to love me. I needed you to love me." More tears fell as she touched the wall.

"Do you remember the night you tried to kill me? Do you care that my throat hurt for days? What did I do to make you so angry?" Her voice thin, then she sobbed, her forehead pressed against the wall.

She spoke as if she expected an answer, as if Arnold were alive and able to answer questions.

With a thin voice, Roxanne continued. 'You hurt me every time you said you married me out of pity. You said that my bedroom in the basement was a disgrace. I loved that bedroom. You said I was getting old and ugly, and no one else but you could love me."

Roxanne silently paced in a circle between the walls, with her hands curled into fists. She turned to the wall. "You said you would TRY to love me," she waved her fist in the air, "but every time you PUSHED or POKED me, or YELLED at me, I knew you didn't."

Then she paced back and forth. Facing the wall, with a voice as thin as paper, "I didn't and still don't understand why you were so disappointed in me. Why did you learn to hate me so much?"

"I worked to keep food on the table." She pointed at Arnold's name. Her voice raising in volume, "I worked to keep a roof over our heads! I paid for the car and insurance!"

She shook a fist at the wall, "You acted like a spoiled child! You wanted to stay to smoke and drink! YOU SHOULD have been happy! YOU WERENT!"

With tears falling, now angry tears, Roxanne walked down to the end of the columbarium. When she got to the sidewalk, she stopped, attempting to regain control.

The parking lot was still empty. She was grateful no one was around to see what a spectacle she made of herself fighting with a wall. A single car wound its way toward one of the grave site. Roxanne also noticed when she calmed down, the birds were no longer singing.

Breathing heavily to gain control, Roxanne watched the light play on the rustling leaves. She stood still for a long time trying to decide whether to go back and argue with Arnold or not. She wrestled with her thoughts, remembering how the therapist had recommended to say what was on her mind.

With resolve, Roxanne walked back to Arnold's niche. She wasn't so angry now.

"Arnold, I realize I really do have to thank you though, even though our marriage was terrible. I have to say, what you put me through really helped me later."

Roxanne turned her back to the wall, head down, bringing her hands to her face. Then with fist raised, she turned back to the wall. She raised her arm, finger pointing to the sky.

"You taught me what it was like to be tolerated, not wanted or loved.

You taught me what it was like to be homeless!

You taught me what it was like to be ashamed to ask for help!

You taught me what it was like to be hungry!"

Roxanne punched the sky with these words, walking back and forth in front of the niche. She stopped and took a deep breath. Then continued her tirade, her right hand in a fist by her side.

"You helped me to be grateful for any peace in the house.

You taught me to not fear angry, hurtful words, undeserved words.

You taught me to overlook my wants and defer my needs.

I learned to look at your lies and hallucinations, not to fear them."

Roxanne turned to the wall, raising her voice, shaking her pointed finger as to a bad child.

"I learned to be strong and not listen to your hurtful words.

I learned to pray to God to give me strength and to be a good wife in spite of you.

You taught me to rely only on myself and be grateful for any help I could get."

Turning her back to the wall, she crossed her arms, took a deep breath. Without turning to face the wall, "I say to you, Goodbye, I will never come back to talk to you again." Roxanne stomped off resolutely towards her car.

When she got to the parking lot, she slowed. She stood next to the car feeling her anger. As her anger calmed, she turned and walked back to Arnold's crypt.

"Arnold, you may not have realized it, but I have used everything you taught me, and everything we went through to make me more compassionate and strong. You were actually a blessing so well disguised. For a long time, I just couldn't find it.

When Jerry became demented, and later diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I wasn't afraid. Your mental illness prepared me for him.

I learned how to run a business, even though you said I wasn't smart enough.

You said I wasn't lovable; I found a good man who loved me.

You said I would come crawling back to you. I gained enough backbone; I never crawled. I never looked back after leaving you.

Thank you for being a tough teacher--I am a much better person because of you.

This time, GOODBYE, FOR GOOD."

Roxanne turned and left the cemetery.