I Died A little Each Day

Where do I begin?

I guess the beginning makes the most sense. But honestly at this point in my life I'm having trouble remembering the past. We were happy once. I looked at him with a sense of longing and he would hold my face in his hands and tell me the sweetest lies. I was desperate for affection and took it the way an addict scores their next hit. I was high on the feeling not the person who delivered it. I miss how naïve I was. The not knowing made me accept what I should have feared. I was such a fool. I know that now. Now I pretend I'm okay. I watch couples holding hands out in public and it physically hurts. They look so damn happy. that used to be me!!!

I miss the laughter, the tender moments together and the memories before it all went so horribly wrong.

All the name calling.

The betrayal from both of us.

And some of the darkest days that followed.

****

Mason and I met straight out of college. He knew my friends and I knew some of his. We met at a party thrown by his ex girlfriend. Perhaps that was a sign? I failed to see it then so why should it matter now? I can still see that night. I wanted to leave I was so exhausted from the cleaning job I had taken to afford the rent in the two bedroom I shared with my dear friend Lexi. I had a job interview at nine am the following morning. I leaned against the brick wall beside the back patio and Mason made his way over to where I stood. We introduced ourselves and talked about our mutual friends. His eyes were the lightest blue I had ever seen. He had dimples in his cheeks and a thick head of dark brown hair.

I looked down at the red plastic cup that I was holding as he spoke. He asked me if I wanted a refill. I declined. I was far too tired to have another drink. I told him I might fall asleep standing up if I had anymore. He laughed. It was a great sounding laugh too. He continued to ask me questions and I answered them. At one point we went outside. Mason took off his jacket and draped it around my bare shoulders. I told him about my friend Lexi and my job. He asked if I liked what I was doing. I replied that it paid well but it was only temporary until I landed something better.

Mason said it was good to have goals. I agreed. He worked at his fathers construction company but planned on owning his own business. He said he had taken business courses and just needed to save money for his dream job. I wished him luck. Lexi came to find me and asked if I was ready to go home. I said no. That I was having a good time and wanted to stay awhile longer. Mason offered to drive me home.

At the end of the night, Mason asked if I would have dinner with him that Sunday. I said yes. We ate at a steak house. The food was decent and the wine was even better but the conversation was the icing on the cake. Mason had won me over faster than anyone ever had before. We talked through the entire meal. And afterwards, we sat by the water and stared up at the stars. As love songs played on the radio he told me about his family. He had two brothers and a sister. His parents were still very much in love. He wanted me to meet them all. That night was the first time he kissed me. To say it was incredible would be an understatement.

After three months of dating Mason asked me to move in with him. But I wasn't ready. I told him he would just have to wait. I loved my apartment with Lexi and more than that I liked my own space. Saturday mornings I stayed in my pajamas drank too much coffee and watched reruns on TV. I had no intention of giving that up. A year passed and Mason took a job at his Uncles law firm. He answered phones, ordered the lunches and made copies but he seemed happier than he was working for his father. One night I had the apartment to myself so I told Mason to come over. I cooked us dinner and he told me he had made a big decision. He was going back to school and wanted to become a lawyer. I was thrilled for him. He was positive this was what he wanted.

*****

Even when you believe in something with your whole heart does it mean it will come true? Mason worked at the law firm by day and studied every night. He failed the bar three times. He was livid. He told me school and hard work was a joke. He never should have abandoned his father. I told him I loved him and would support any decision he made. Mason asked me again to move in with him. I told him now just wasn't the right time. Mason became furious. He yelled at me and speed away in his car. We never had a fight and so I was hurt. I sat with Lexi and she tried her best to cheer me up. But Lexi was out of work and I knew I should be supporting her. We were lucky to have each other.

A few days passed and Mason had not called. I thought by now he would have cooled off. So I called him. "Hey, how are you?" "Ok, working hard like always. And you?" "I'm fine. Are you still angry about what I said?" "No, not anymore. You want to live with your friend instead of me that's just fine." But it was the way he spoke that worried me not the words themselves. "I just need more time. You can understand that?' "No, Actually I don't understand. I treat you good, I buy you gifts and yet you still act like a brat." "Excuse me?" "You heard me, I have to go. Maybe when you grow up I can see you again." "Mason, that's not fair! I split the rent with Lexi, I would need to help her find a roommate. I need a few weeks." "I'm sick of your excuses. Don't call me anymore!"

He ended the call and I was in shock. This was not the Mason I knew. I cried my eyes out that night. I started sleeping late, I skipped meals and I even gave Lexi the cold shoulder. Though of course it wasn't her fault. A month went by and Lexi begged me to call Mason. "Your so miserable that I'm miserable. Please, find out what he wants and work on fixing things. I love you like a sister but its killing me to see you this way." I told her I would call Mason. We agreed to meet for coffee. I told him I needed to understand what happened.

He refused to talk about it. He said he was doing better than ever. I lied and said I was too. Before I left the coffee house I asked him if there was anything I could do to fix what we had. He replied "You can start putting my needs above your own. You can support me the way I support you." I agreed to do both. We kissed and we hugged. He apologized for hanging up on me. We moved in together two weeks later.

****

The first few weeks were pure bliss. Mason cooked almost every night. We would cuddle together on his sofa and he would rub my sore feet after another long day of house cleaning. We were smitten with each other. I finally met his family but they weren't what I expected at all. His Dad barely spoke, his Mom looked miserable and his sister told us she was getting a divorce. She said her marriage had become like a prison and she could no longer live with the warden. I helped the ladies with the dishes and told Kate ( Masons sister) that she needed to do whatever made her happy. She smiled at me and nodded her head. "It was great meeting you Eve. You really make my brother happy. Mom, I'll call you tomorrow."

Kate left and I was alone with Ruth. "Marriage isn't as simple as you make it sound. Not everyone gets to be happy." I was taken aback. "I'm sorry you feel that way. But I think life is too short to be unhappy. Thanks for dinner." I kept what Ruth said to myself though it stayed with me. I took some teaching classes after work. I wanted a change. When I finally became a teaching assistant Mason seemed thrilled and I was overjoyed. We celebrated at a near by restaurant. I thought life was perfect. The next couple of months were busy. We shared our first Christmas together in our apartment and Kate stayed with us right after her divorce. I loved the company. Kate was funny and bright and we started hanging out whenever Mason worked late.

One night after we had gone out to eat we returned home to find Mason pacing the floor in the kitchen. "Where were you?" He shouted directly at me. I backed away from his angry face. "I was, Kate and I had dinner. You've been working late and I thought you would be home after nine." "Well did you think to leave me a note! Or to call my phone?" "No, I'm sorry. I brought you a burger." I raised up the bag to show him but he pushed it away. "I don't want that greasy shit! Is this going to be a new thing? You and Kate together everyday?" Kate told Mason to calm down. But this only made him angrier. "Your a guest here and I don't need you filling her head with ideas." "I don't know what your talking about. Eve is happy she loves you Mason."

He stormed out of the apartment. I started to cry. Kate touched my shoulder. "Hey, you did nothing wrong. He needs to grow up. Just because our folks are miserable doesn't mean your going to be." I told Kate how Mason lied to me that his parents were in love. "He might have been embarrassed. My Dad has a mean tempter and my Mom hates his guts. They should have separated years ago. He will cool off and come back and apologize for before."

But Mason stayed out the entire night and he never apologized for the things he said. I came home from work two days later and Kate was packing her bags. "Hey, where are you going?" "I'm going to stay with my parents until I find a place. I'm in the way here." "No, Kate your not. I swear it. Is this because of Mason and the other night?" She nodded her head. "Its okay. You two need time alone. I never should have stayed this long." "Kate, you don't have to go. Let me call Mason and we can fix this. I like you being here. I know I can change his mind." I found my phone and called him at work. "Hi honey, Kate is saying she's moving out. But she is your sister and she has no one right now. I think she should stay a few more days." "I don't care what you think. She is not my problem. I pay the rent and I want her gone." "Mason, please reconsider. I promise she wont be in our way." "You need to stay out of this Eve. I already asked her to go. We can talk about this tonight." "No I don't! Your being unreasonable. I've never heard you like this. Don't punish Kate if your upset with me."

That night I saw a side of Mason that was truly scary. He told me I was taking him for granted and that I didn't respect his decisions. I told him I was not the problem. I said if he continued to talk down to me and shout whenever he felt like it that I would leave with Kate. Mason smacked me and I landed on the floor. I was mortified. I didn't even know this man. How could I have been so wrong? Kate left without me. I called Lexi in the morning and told her Mason had put his hands on me. But Lexi acted like she was hurt that I never came around. I told her he wanted me all to himself. "I'm sorry Eve, But you chose him and I thought you knew what he was like." Lexi ended the call. I was alone.

****

I stayed with Mason for another year. It wasn't because I was happy but just the opposite. He terrified me. I put every spare dollar I had away. A few times Mason asked me to marry him but I said I needed time. We were both so young and I wanted to become a teacher first. He no longer cooked. He no longer spoke nice to me. He only wanted an immaculate home and a hot meal. I would fantasize ways to get rid of Mason. I could tell him I was seeing someone else but then he would hurt me again. I could tell him I had a sick relative in another state but I knew he would come along. I even went as far as stealing money from his wallet. I thought he would throw me out but he acted like he hadn't noticed.

Finally when I thought I could not take another moment in his presence he told me he had been seeing another woman for months. I felt like this was my chance to move out. "I guess I don't make you happy anymore. I never had what it takes." "No, your wrong. I don't love her. I messed up. I want you to forgive me Eve. We can fix this. I want you to be my wife. I will never hurt you again." I started to nod my head. But inside I heard these words. He is lying. He will always lie to get what he wants. You better go. You better get away from him now while you still can. I walked into our bedroom and returned with my suitcase. "I cant do this anymore. You hurt me. You lied to me. You cheated on me. I would have to be crazy to stay with you."

Mason came towards me and I picked up a glass vase from the dining table. "Put that down Eve. Talk to me." "No, I'm leaving there is nothing left to say." "I wont let you!" Mason grabbed my suitcase. I smashed the vase against the side of his head. His eyes rolled back in his head. There was so much blood. I thought I might throw up. He fell down to the floor. I stood over him and I watched him start to lose consciousness. I didn't cry. I didn't try to help him up. I gathered my belongings and I left. I never went back. He said he loved me but love should not hurt.

I'm alone now. But I'm free and I'm happy. I still miss how things used to be. When he was sweet and gentle. When he told me things I needed to hear. But I would rather be alone than living a lie. I died a little each day with that man. But not anymore, now I live. Yes I finally live.