Building Solidarity

"Hi, I'm from 4B. About the noise—"

"Oh thank God you're here. Did you bring tools?"

"Tools? No, I came to ask if you could keep it down—"

"Keep what down? The ceiling? That's literally the problem. It's sagging. Didn't the super send you?"

"Nobody sent me. I live upstairs. The hammering at 2 AM—"

"That wasn't hammering. That was my roommate trying to prop up the ceiling with a broom handle. It kept falling down."

"Your ceiling was falling at 2 AM?"

"Well, it started falling around midnight, but we didn't want to bother anyone, so we waited two hours before we tried to fix it ourselves."

"You waited two hours with a falling ceiling?"

"We're very considerate neighbors."

"Considerate? You woke up my daughter!"

"You have a daughter? Is she the one who practices violin at 6 AM?"

"She's dedicated to her craft."

"She's dedicated to destroying my sanity. Do you know what sustained C-sharp does to a person trying to sleep off a night shift?"

"She's seven years old!"

"Then she's old enough to learn about quiet hours. And rhythm. Dear God, the rhythm."

"How dare you criticize a child—"

"How dare you come here complaining about emergency ceiling repairs when your child treats the building like Carnegie Hall every morning?"

"It's not every morning. She has Sundays off."

"Oh wonderful, one day of peace before the Monday morning massacre of Mozart."

"She doesn't even play Mozart. She's working on Vivaldi."

"That's supposed to make it better? At least Mozart had the decency to die at thirty-five. Vivaldi lived to sixty-three, which means three decades more of compositions for your daughter to butcher."

"Butcher? She placed third in the state junior strings competition!"

"Out of how many? Four?"

"Thirty-seven!"

"Then thirty-four children's parents lied to them about having talent."

"You're a monster."

"I'm a monster? Your daughter's bow sounds like it's strung with cat intestines—"

"That's what violin strings used to be made of, you philistine!"

"Well congratulations, she's keeping the tradition alive. Every morning I think a cat is dying in your apartment."

"At least we make cultural contributions! What do you contribute? Ceiling damage?"

"The ceiling was already damaged when we moved in! Why do you think the rent was so cheap?"

"The rent is cheap? How much do you pay?"

"Twenty-two hundred."

"Twenty-two—we pay twenty-eight!"

"For 4B? That's highway robbery. We have the same layout."

"No, you have the corner unit. You have an extra window."

"An extra window onto the dumpster. You can smell everything through it. Last Tuesday someone threw out shrimp."

"That was me."

"You threw out shrimp on a Tuesday? Garbage day is Thursday!"

"They were bad shrimp. I got food poisoning."

"From where?"

"That new place on Columbus."

"Poseidon's Net? I told my roommate to avoid that place. The health grade is pending."

"Pending is better than the B+ that the taco place has."

"Don't you dare come for Julio's. Their al pastor is transcendent."

"Transcendent? Their pork tastes like disappointment seasoned with regret."

"You probably ordered wrong. You have to get it on corn tortillas, not flour."

"I'm gluten intolerant!"

"Oh, you're one of those."

"One of those? I have celiac disease! My intestines literally attack themselves!"

"Everyone's intestines are attacking something these days. Last week my roommate decided she's lactose intolerant."

"Decided? That's not a choice!"

"She ate ice cream for twenty-three years without complaint, then read one blog post—"

"Maybe she was suffering in silence!"

"She once ate an entire cheesecake in one sitting. In silence? She live-tweeted it."

"Why are we talking about your roommate's digestive system?"

"You brought up intestines!"

"In the context of violin strings!"

"Which brings us back to your daughter's war crimes against music!"

"War crimes? That's excessive—"

"Geneva Convention, Article 32: No one shall be subjected to torture. I've documented every morning. I'm building a case."

"A case? For what, Judge Judy?"

"Small claims court. Emotional damages."

"You're going to sue a seven-year-old?"

"I'm going to sue her parents for enabling her. It's like giving a terrorist a weapon."

"A violin is not a weapon!"

"In the wrong hands, anything is a weapon. Have you heard her attempt Flight of the Bumblebee?"

"She's not ready for that piece yet."

"No one in a four-block radius was ready for that piece. Dogs were howling. Not barking—howling. Like their ancestors were calling them home."

"Mr. Patterson's beagle always howls!"

"Only since your daughter started practicing. That dog used to be normal. Now it needs therapy. I've seen Patterson carrying it to a pet psychologist."

"That's not because of the violin. The beagle has separation anxiety."

"How do you know that?"

"Patterson told me in the elevator."

"When?"

"Tuesday. When I was taking out the shrimp."

"The bad shrimp?"

"Yes, the bad shrimp! Why are we still talking about shrimp?"

"Because everything in this building is connected! Your poisonous shrimp, your daughter's sonic terrorism, our structural damage—it's all part of the same ecosystem of misery!"

"Ecosystem of misery? We're just trying to live our lives!"

"So are we! Under a ceiling that's literally falling down!"

"Then call the super!"

"We did! Six times! He said he'd get to it!"

"When?"

"His exact words were 'soon.'"

"That could mean anything."

"Exactly! It could mean five minutes or five years. Meanwhile, we're living like the sword of Damocles is hanging over our heads, except instead of a sword, it's water-damaged plaster and what I'm pretty sure is black mold."

"Black mold? Are you serious?"

"Look, I'll show you."

"I'm not going into your apartment to look at mold!"

"Why not? Afraid you'll see how the other half lives?"

"What other half? We're all paying too much for apartments that are falling apart!"

"At least your apartment isn't literally falling. Ours is held together by prayer and duct tape."

"Whose prayers? You don't strike me as religious."

"My roommate's Buddhist. She meditates every morning."

"At what time?"

"Five-thirty."

"Five-thirty? And you complain about the violin at six?"

"Meditation is silent!"

"Not if she's using that app with the gongs!"

"How do you know about the gongs?"

"The walls are thin! I hear everything! Your Buddhist roommate, your midnight ceiling repairs, your Thursday night...activities."

"What activities?"

"You know what activities."

"Thursday is our book club!"

"That's what you call it?"

"We're reading Infinite Jest!"

"For six months?"

"It's over a thousand pages! And Jeffrey keeps missing meetings so we have to recap!"

"Jeffrey from 3C?"

"You know him?"

"He owes me forty dollars."

"For what?"

"He borrowed it for his share of the book club wine."

"He told us he was buying the wine!"

"With my money, apparently!"

"That son of a—wait, how much wine does forty dollars buy?"

"For book club? I assumed at least six bottles."

"Six? We've been drinking two-buck Chuck!"

"That's twenty bottles!"

"Not at the store Jeffrey goes to. He shops at that organic place."

"Whole Foods?"

"The one on Broadway."

"That's robbery! The one on 72nd is cheaper."

"But the selection is terrible."

"Selection? It's two-buck Chuck! It all tastes like regret anyway!"

"Then why drink it?"

"Have you tried reading David Foster Wallace sober?"

"Fair point. Though your daughter's violin practice might be worse than footnotes within footnotes."

"We're back to the violin?"

"Everything comes back to the violin! It's the alpha and omega of this building's suffering!"

"That's blasphemous!"

"Your daughter's playing is blasphemous! Even God rested on the seventh day, but she practices every damn morning!"

"She has a recital coming up!"

"When?"

"December fifteenth."

"That's three months away!"

"Practice makes perfect!"

"Practice makes me want to move!"

"Then move!"

"I would if I could afford it! Do you know what brokers are charging now?"

"Fifteen percent of annual rent."

"Highway robbery!"

"Everything's robbery according to you!"

"Because everything is! The rent, the broker's fees, the organic wine Jeffrey's buying with my money—"

"We should confront him."

"Now?"

"Why not? He's probably home."

"How do you know?"

"I can hear his TV through the floor."

"What's he watching?"

"Sounds like that British baking show."

"I love that show!"

"Everyone loves that show. It's the only pure thing left in this world."

"That and the moment right before my daughter starts practicing."

"That golden silence at 5:59 AM."

"The last peaceful moment before—"

"Wait, do you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"That creaking."

"What creaking?"

"From my apartment. Oh God, the ceiling!"

"Is it—"

"It's falling! I have to go!"

"Should I call someone?"

"Call everyone! The super, the fire department, a priest!"

"A priest?"

"For last rites! Either for me or the ceiling, whoever goes first!"

"That's not how last rites work!"

"I don't have time for theological debates! My roommate is alone up there with her meditation app and a failing ceiling!"

"Go! Go!"

"Tell my story!"

"Which story?"

"The one about the neighbor who complained about noise while my ceiling was collapsing!"

"That's not fair!"

"Neither is your daughter's violin!"

"She's trying her best!"

"So is our ceiling, and look how that's working out!"

"Just go save your roommate!"

"Tell Jeffrey he owes me forty dollars!"

"Tell the super we need actual repairs!"

"Tell your daughter to learn piano instead!"

"Never!"

"Then tell her at least to practice scales quietly!"

"There's no such thing as quiet scales!"

"There is if you don't play them at all!"

"You're impossible!"

"You're the one who came to complain while Rome was burning!"

"Your ceiling isn't Rome!"

"It's about to be Pompeii!"

"That's volcanic ash, not structural damage!"

"How do you know so much about Pompeii?"

"My daughter's doing a school project!"

"Of course she is! Probably with musical accompaniment!"

"Actually, yes! She's composing a piece called 'The Last Day of Pompeii'!"

"God help us all!"

"It's very moving!"

"So is my ceiling! Literally! I have to go!"

"Go! But this conversation isn't over!"

"It is until you get your daughter headphones!"

"It is until you pay for proper repairs!"

"It is until Jeffrey pays me back!"

"It is until—oh my God, is that water dripping?"

"From where?"

"From your door! Under your door!"

"Oh no. Oh no no no—"

"Should I call 911?"

"Call the super first! His number's on the bulletin board!"

"The one that's covered in take-out menus?"

"Behind the menus! Hurry!"

"I'm hurrying! Stop playing violin!"

"That's not—that's the smoke alarm!"

"Which one?"

"All of them!"

"Even mine?"

"Check your apartment!"

"But the super—"

"Forget the super! Save yourself! Save your daughter!"

"Save your roommate!"

"Save the books!"

"Infinite Jest?"

"We're on page 600! We can't start over!"

"That's what you're worried about?"

"You'd worry too if you'd spent six months—"

"The water's getting worse!"

"So is the beeping!"

"Is that sirens?"

"Already?"

"Someone must have called!"

"Probably Patterson!"

"With his poor anxious beagle!"

"The beagle that your daughter traumatized!"

"Even now? Really?"

"Especially now! If this building goes down, I want you to know—"

"That you hate my daughter's music?"

"That she has potential but needs better soundproofing!"

"That's almost sweet!"

"Don't get used to it!"

"I won't! Your ceiling's still your fault!"

"Your daughter's still too loud!"

"Jeffrey still owes you money!"

"The shrimp was still a bad idea!"

"The taco place is still overrated!"

"Your rent is still too high!"

"Yours is suspiciously low!"

"Everything's suspicious in this building!"

"Everything's falling apart!"

"Including us!"

"Especially us!"

"Should we evacuate?"

"Probably!"

"Are you going to?"

"Are you?"

"..."

"..."

"Want to grab a drink after this?"

"God, yes."

"Not wine though."

"Definitely not wine."

"And not at Poseidon's Net."

"Or Julio's."

"There's that bar on 78th."

"The one with the karaoke?"

"Oh God, no. No more amateur music."

"Fair enough."

"The firefighters are here."

"Finally."

"Think they'll save the books?"

"Think they'll fix the ceiling?"

"Think they'll arrest Jeffrey?"

"For what?"

"Wine fraud!"

"That's not a thing!"

"It should be!"

"Everything should be something in this building!"

"And something should be everything!"

"That doesn't even make sense!"

"Nothing makes sense anymore!"

"Especially this conversation!"

"Especially this building!"

"Especially—ma'am? Sir? We need you to evacuate."

"We know!"

"We're going!"

"We're arguing our way out!"

"It's how we cope!"

"It's how we live!"

"It's how we—is that my ceiling in the hallway?"

"I think so?"

"With the mold?"

"Definitely with the mold."

"I told you!"

"You were right!"

"I'm always right!"

"You're never right!"

"Folks, please—"

"We're going!"

"Still arguing!"

"Still neighbors!"

"Unfortunately!"

"Catastrophically!"

"Poetically!"

"That doesn't even—"

"Sir? Ma'am? The building?"

"Right."

"Right."

"Bar on 78th?"

"After the recital."

"What?"

"December fifteenth. Come to the recital. Then drinks."

"You're inviting me to suffer?"

"You're already suffering. Might as well suffer with context."

"That's the worst invitation I've ever received."

"You'll come though."

"Probably."

"Definitely."

"Unfortunately."

"Catastrophically."

"Poetically."

"Now you're just mocking me."

"Now? I've been mocking you since Tuesday."

"The shrimp Tuesday?"

"Every Tuesday!"

"FOLKS!"

"We're going!"

"Jesus."

"No, just firefighters."

"Same difference in this building."

"Amen."

"Amen."

"Did we just agree on something?"

"Shut up and evacuate."

"Shutting up."

"Good."

"You shut up too."

"I am."

"Good."

"..."

"..."

"Forty dollars though. Jeffrey seriously owes me forty dollars."

"We'll get it back."

"We?"

"Building solidarity."

"Since when?"

"Since the ceiling fell."

"Fair enough."

"December fifteenth though?"

"I'll think about it."

"While you're thinking, think about better soundproofing."

"While you're thinking, think about calling the super before midnight."

"Deal."

"Deal."

"After you."

"It's my ceiling in the hallway. I should go first."

"Your ceiling, my building."

"Our building."

"Our disaster."

"Our Thursday wine."

"Jeffrey's debt."

"Everyone's problem."

"Everything's connected."

"The ecosystem of misery."

"Exactly."

"Exactly."

"Stop agreeing with me."

"Stop being right."

"Never."

"Never."

"Good."

"Good."

"This is the weirdest evacuation ever."

"This is the weirdest building ever."

"True."

"True."

"There you go again."

"There you—is that Jeffrey?"

"With a bottle of wine?"

"Forty-dollar wine?"

"Jeffrey!"

"JEFFREY!"

"Run, Jeffrey!"

"Get him!"

"Building solidarity!"

"Building solidarity!"

"For the ceiling!"

"For the violin!"

"For the beagle!"

"For everything!"

"For everything!"