The Pieces of Elizabeth

“Do you know how hard it was to find you out here?”

“Go away.”

“This is a fairly long cliff. I mean, we should work out a special spot or something so I know that when you’ve gone away to contemplate everything you’ve done and the horrible guilt and yada yada that that’s exactly where you’ll be because to be honest, it’s a lot of guesswork tryna find you and I’m not really up to wandering around aimlessly whenever I need to talk to someone.”

“I’m serious Eliza, I’m not in the mood for you right now.”

“That’s been happening a lot.”

“What?”

“You not being in the mood. It’s happening a lot.”

“Why? It affecting your need for conversation? Is the state of my mental health inconvenient for you?”

“Someone’s feeling sensitive today.”

“It’s called human emotion, not that a psycho like you’d understand.”

“Dont be a bitch, Liz.”

“I’m not. You only care about things if it affects you, otherwise, why bother?”

“I’ll admit I’m not the best person but I’m not a narcissist.”

“No, just a stone cold murderer.”

“Well at least you have someone to blame all your damn misdeeds on.”

“If it weren’t for you barging into my life—”

“Oh my god you are insufferable. You take something that’s absolutely your fault and use it to excuse your own mistakes so you don’t have to feel bad. For someone who acts so haunted by what they’ve done you really can’t take blame, can you?”

“Are you serious? You think I don’t blame myself? You think the guilt doesn’t swallow me whole? It’s terrifying, what goes around my head every day. It’s all I know. It creeps into my whole life until I can't remember anything except the inescapable guilt and darkness I feel. I can’t even get out of bed most mornings. I — god, I hate myself. And if you felt just half of what I felt you wouldn’t even be able to look at yourself in the mirror.”

“I know this.”

“You ruined everything. You’re a despicable human being.”

“I didn’t ruin everything. You are responsible for what you did.”

“You’re disgusting and selfish and you left them.”

“Liz, you’re directing your anger for yourself at me which is actually pretty funny considering the circumstance.”

“What’s the difference which one of us I’m angry at? Genuinely?”

“Everything we did isn’t on me, as much as you’d like to believe that.”

“Yes it is.”

“You wish it was but you know that’s not true.”

“Stop that.”

“Stop what?”

“Acting like you know me so well.”

“Um, I do know you so well.”

“Then just stop, okay? God, just leave me alone, can’t you see I need to be alone?”

“Being alone won’t just make me just disappear.”

“How does this not affect you? Look at me, I’m a shell of the woman I used to be. How are you not absolutely crippled by what we did?”

“You know why. I don’t feel things the same as you.”

“But surely if I’m like this then you must be impacted in some way.”

“Well I guess not. Look, you need to accept that we did what we had to do and it’s over now.”

“We murdered someone.”

“And in doing so we prevented so many more deaths along the road.”

“We left everyone behind.”

“We had to do it. We did it for them. For a better future.”

“We left them. Mum, Dad, little Jenna.”

“Mum and Dad are looking after her now.”

“She’ll grow up without a Mother because we abandoned everyone. No note, no call. No one’s heard from us in over a year.”

“It was too risky and you know it. We couldn’t leave anything behind, anything that could make us look guilty if it was traced back to us.”

“We still failed her. Left them all. And no matter what our reasons were we still killed a human being. Having a reason doesn’t just make it go away. Oh my god, this feeling is never going to go away.”

“It doesn’t matter. You knew this would be hard. Soul crushing even. But you did it for Jenna. To make a better life for her. For everyone you love.”

“Nothing you say will make me feel different. It’s too dark, I can’t keep going. Every time I pull the trigger on another president, another dictator, another business-person it gets darker and a piece of me splinters away and if I- if I keep going I’m gonna lose myself. I’m just gonna keep splintering until theres nothing left.”

“No one’s making you do this job. No one is forcing you to suffer like this.”

“I can’t just stop.”

“Of course you can’t. But not for the reason you think. You can’t stop because you want yourself to suffer. You think you deserve it. It’s satisfying, even, to punish yourself.”

“Leave me alone, Eliza.”

“I can’t leave you alone. I am you.”

“You’re not me. Not anymore.

“We’re still a part of the same Elizabeth. I’m still a piece of you. And I was a big piece of the old you. Maybe that’s why you feel so empty all the time. You’re missing the cruel, horrific person that made up most of your personality.”

“I’m not that person anymore. I stopped being her the minute I let that bullet fly.”

“You still decided to leave them, even after we split.”

“Stop saying we. We’re not the same person!”

“Yes we are. You, me we’re the same. You’re me. I’m you.”

“No…”

“I’m the piece of you that splintered away when you took that first shot. And it took a toll on you didn’t it? Didn’t it?”

“Of course it did! I lost half of who I am!”

“Oh I’m more than half of you. Maybe I’m your whole personality. We have no way of knowing. We could consult an expert but of course if no one can see or hear me that might lead them to think you’re a little cuckoo.”

“I hate you.”

“I gotta admit, I’m not too hot on you either. Do you know how hard it is to watch you get to live a real life while all I can do is just wander around waiting for you to talk to me so I don’t go insane? For some reason you get to be the one who can speak to people, you get a goddamn tangible body. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had a cup of coffee?”

“After everything we’ve done you think you deserve any of those things?”

“You have no idea what it’s like to have all that taken away from you.”

”The people we killed had everything taken away from them. And that was all you. You’re the voice that whispered in my ear to do all those horrible things. Every bad thing we’ve ever done is on you.”

“Cleopatra, Queen of denial.”

”I’m not in denial! Ugh! I can’t keep having the same argument over and over!”

“Then stop. You think I like having my only piece of conversation to be a big fat fight? Why can’t we just like, I don’t know haunt people?”

“God was I always such a child?”

“Wow, pardon me but was that a joke you just cracked?”

“I know, can you believe it? Maybe being around my other fractured self is making me whole again.”

“You kid but for all we know that’s the truth. It’s why you stick around me isn’t it? As much as you hate your old self, you want her back, don’t you? You’re sick of feeling hollow all the time.”

“What makes you think its not your winning personality that keeps me coming back?”

“I think that when you’re with me you feel a bit like a real person again and when I’m gone you’re empty, like a huge black hole. Do you think if we keep spending time together and helping each other out we might, I don’t know, get to be Elizabeth again?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think we’ll ever get Elizabeth back. There’s only Liz and Eliza now.”

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe we’ll be like this forever. But we have to see right? We have to.”

“Yeah, we have to.”

“You know, it’s kinda poetic, our situation.”

“How so?”

“I mean, we both hate each other more than anything, that’s clear enough. And yet we still have to work together because we both need one another. I gotta keep you from going over the edge and doing something stupid, otherwise I’ll go nuts. And you need me because I’m the only person who knows you. Really knows you. And the dark part of your personality was bigger than you want to admit. Without me, you’re just a big empty void, no friends, no family. I’m all you have left. I’m the only one waiting at the end of the tunnel.”

“The tunnel?”

“The metaphorical tunnel you’re stuck in. You know, the one with the light at the end of it?”

I thought you were at the end of it.”

“Yeah but like, the light is too.”

“Right…”

“OK it sounded better in my mind.”

“Haha. Alright, fine, that's poetic.”

“Thank you.”

“I need to go, I’ve got stuff to do…”

“Person to assassinate?”

“Emails to send. Do you always assume the worst of me?”

“I think you’ve got it the wrong way round.”

“Oh yeah I think you’re right.”

“So, same time tomorrow?”

“You can count on it.”