Into the waters

CW: Substance abuse, mental health

Sarah was confused. That was unusual for her. She usually could figure things out and come up with a course of action. But here she sat in her beach chair looking over the vast expanse of the lake. The sun was dancing off the sparkling waters. They were calm now but last week that storm wreaked havoc along the shore. Her favourite spot was still filled with driftwood and God knows what else. She always loved the beach and the water even though she wasn’t a swimmer. She enjoyed riding in her uncle’s houseboat across calm waters with her cousins. But when the water got rough, she was hesitant to be on it but rather would watch from the safety of the shore. If the water ever got beyond her knees she would retreat quickly back to the safety of the land. And so it was she came to the lake shore often, even in the winter. It offered her solace, a calmness and vastness so she could think clearly.

Beside her was her husband of over 35 years. But he wasn’t the same man she had married. His brain was failing him as he sank deeper into dementia. She tried to keep him comfortable, but he flared up a lot, especially if he was drinking which she tried to curtail but somehow in true alcoholic fashion, he found it somewhere.

She knew she didn’t love him anymore. That was perfectly clear. It had been a long time ago. Jonathon was still working and after about six years of marriage, he had had an affair. That was a complete shock to Sarah. But she always could come up with a plan. Her options were easy. To stay or to go (or make him go). It was that simple. She chose to stay so that their son, Jamie, had a father to grow up with. Plus, Jonathon was the single source of income at that time.

His affair wasn’t just a one night stand though and that really threw her for a loop. Naturally, she tried to analyze what had happened, but she couldn’t figure it out. She knew she had been true to Jonathon ever since she met him. Yes, there were warning signs of his ability to manage money (especially important in a marriage) but she felt she could be the finance person and look after money matters. But no hints of his womanizing. Where did that come from? Obviously, she didn’t know at first but then there were telltale signs of working late, staying with a client at his cottage over a weekend, etc. And there she was with little Jamie at home. They always say a woman knows when her spouse is cheating but it’s not always immediate especially when it felt things were going well. No fights or arguments or anything of that sort.

They were at the wedding of one of his cohorts from work. Sarah loved going to these social events as it was a break from being a mom. Not only that but she and Johnathon could dance together to such great music. This was her passion. She loved to dance. But this time he was dancing with another gal that Sarah assumed was from his office though he had never seen her before. And it wasn’t just one dance. Sarah finally went over to cut in during a slow dance with the mystery woman. And that’s when it hit her. Bam. And to verify it, the woman gave her a disgusted look as if she didn’t belong. Sarah knew then and there the marriage was basically over. But she would stay for the sake of the child. It was the right decision at the time but now with Jamie grown and married, Sarah’s mind turned to other things. Looking after Jonathon had taken its toil on her both physically and more importantly mentally. It was from her sense of duty that she endured the marriage and then cared for her husband as he slipped away. But now he was in a special care home.

It was about two years ago when it happened. She was texting with her girlfriend, Jill. They were reminiscing about the “good old days” back at the office where they had met. Various gals and guys names flashed through their conversation as they played “whatever happened to.” Then Sarah mentioned his name – Gord. As soon as she asked about him, she felt something pulling her heart strings. They had dated for a few months, then things changed. They were so young and not ready for a steady relationship. But he had come to college back east where she now lived and they started another relationship which fell apart after a fateful night of too much alcohol. Her girlfriend Jill said she had seen his name on Facebook. She would reach out and see what happened to him if Sarah wanted. Oh, my goodness, Sarah thought. This was like choppy water. The boat was rocking and she didn’t know why. She hesitated with her answer and then said, “Sure, why not. It’ll be fun to find out how his life went after Sarah”. She laughed out loud at that sentence. Okay, it was out there now. Her heart was pounding with anticipation. Yes, she knew she still had feelings for him. But he was probably happily married back in his hometown.

It didn’t take long. About a week later she received an e-mail from Gord. He mentioned that Jill had given him her address. It was always nice to reminisce with old flames, he said. She smiled at that sentence. Old flame indeed. How many years had it been? Besides didn’t that first email address her as “young lady”. The weekly letters became more frequent, sometimes daily. Then there were texts that went on for hours like their phone calls used to be back in the day. After that, live phone calls too. A few rocky roads but as the months turned into years she knew, and he knew they were meant for each other. They called it love. Like Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning. They never saw or touched each other but they grew closer and closer. They could touch each other and feel it even those thousands of miles away. It was an amazing feeling. But now she was in the autumn of her years. She felt young when she was with him, though miles apart. What would it be like if she took that final step. She wanted to be with him so very much.

She looked across the water. What had happened in her reverie? The waters were choppy. A few whitecaps appeared on the surface. The wind was up. It was like the lake reflected her thoughts. Disturbed not calm as she usually was. She thought “you know I’ve never been on the other side of this lake. I can’t even see the other side.” Could she start again? She knew she would have to come to a decision soon. “You have more years behind you than ahead Sarah”, she told herself. “And you don’t like choppy waters”

Her cell phone rang. She checked the caller. It didn’t say who it was, but it was local number.

“Hello?” she said cautiously. She hated surveys, scam callers, solicitors. She was supposed to have protection against that.

“Hi there gorgeous” came the voice which she recognized right away. “Can you talk?”

“What? What”? She was breathing heavily now. “Where are you? This is a local number.” She could barely speak. She was shaking. Jonathon was right beside her but had nodded off in the afternoon sun. Still, she whispered.

“Where are you?”

His voice was calm, and his tone was so normal, always friendly, positive, sexy even. The golden voice from so many years ago. She smiled at that thought.

“Well, I’m here in town staying at the Beachside Hotel. Wonderful place. Palatial room. Even has a fireplace for the skiers in winter, I guess. Great dining room. And you wouldn’t believe…”

“Oh, Gord, stop. Stop. STOP! What are you doing here?” she gasped.

“I’m here for you, my love.” He said calmly.

“How long are you staying?” she said after a long pause, her voice shaking with emotion. There was dead silence at the other end. Sarah could hear her heart beating loudly in her ears. The waves coming off the lake seemed to match her racing heart.

“Gordie? Are you still there?” Then, all she heard was…

“Forever!”

Sarah dropped her phone. Tears flowed profusely from her eyes. Her sobbing was silent but controlled. She turned to Jonathon who was awake now with his usual blank look on his face.

“We must get you back to your room at the residence. Help me get these chairs into the car.”

She picked up the phone.

“Still there?”

“Of course. Where else would I go?” She could hear the smile in his voice.

“Stay there. I’ll be there in an hour. Meet me in the dining room. Order me a shiraz. And bring a box of tissues.”