Life is Suffering

Life is Suffering

My brother had always been a screw-up and to be honest, I had been waiting for that call for years. My first thought when I heard the news wasn’t about my brother at all, but about Sophia.Maybe she would feel bad enough for me that she’d be willing to travel back home with me. But when I called and asked her, she gave me a firm “no.”She’d only met my brother a couple of times and did not like him. Plus, if she went, she would miss our son Sid’s school play. I tried to argue that he didn’t even have any lines, but she wasn’t budging. The call only lasted a few minutes, but at least she answered.

The plane touched down at nine in the morning, much too early to check in to the hotel. So, I figured I might as well bite the bullet and go see my parents. I walked into my childhood home and saw my parents sitting in the same chairs they were sitting in when I left home twenty-five years ago. For all I knew they were in the same clothes too.

“Glad you could find time in your busy schedule for your brother,” my dad muttered in my direction.

“Good to see you too, El,” I responded using the common shortage for Elmer that his friends always used. He sighed and rolled his eyes when he heard me call him El.“Sorry, Father.”

“Your room is all made up for you,” my mom interjected.

“Mom, I already told you that I’m staying at a hotel.”My dad sighed again. “I’ll check out the room.”

When I walked into the old bedroom that Stephen and I used to share, it looked like it hadn’t been touched in decades. There were the UNC sheets on his bed and the Duke sheets on mine. I sat down on the edge of my bed and looked over at the childhood trophies still sitting on the bookshelf where I had carefully arranged them all those years ago.

I picked up the trophy that always meant the most to me.It was from my first-grade baseball team. I flicked the hollow, gold colored plastic bat and read my name on the plate on the base of the trophy. Just underneath my name it said, “MVP.” Throughout my childhood, that “MVP,” always made me feel good, like I had something to offer. But looking at it now, it finally dawned on me that every kid on the team probably had that same “MVP” engraved on his name plate. I placed the trophy back on the dust free rectangle on the shelf.

“You always were good at sports,” my dad said from the doorway. “You know, maybe if your brother had been blessed with some of that talent, he…well anyway.” He paused and I looked up at him, saying nothing.

“It’s been tough, you know, worrying about him all the time. I feel bad saying it, but in some ways it’s actually a relief not having to worry every time the phone rings.”

“I’m glad his death makes your life a little easier, a little more stress free.”

El growled and shuffled off, probably back to his chair in the living room. I flopped back onto the bed. I don’t know how I didn’t hear her enter, maybe I dozed off, but I sat back up when I suddenly felt her weight on the bed next to me and her voice in my ear.

“It’s really sad, isn’t it? He was never able to get it together.”

“Yeah, but he should’ve. He was so smart, he was so creative, he was so kind.”

“Sometimes those qualities aren’t enough.”

“But maybe they would have been enough somewhere else, they were just not enough here.”

“What do you mean by that? You think I didn’t value your brother for being smart and kind and creative?”

“I don’t know if you cared about those qualities in him or not, but I know for a fact that Dad didn’t.”

“I certainly valued those traits, and your father did too.”

“I guess. But then, why’d he always pit us against each other? Why’d he always have to tell Stephen how much more athletic I was, as if Stephen couldn’t already see it for himself?”

“He just wanted to motivate him I guess.”

“Motivate him for what? For a varsity spot that expires as soon as you graduate?

“You make it sound like your dad’s some monster, but it’s not like he’s the only parent in the world who wanted his kids to excel. He may have been a little harsh about it at times, but it’s a competitive world out there and he wanted to push you two so you could keep up and succeed. He did the best he could, we both did.”

“There you go again. You always do that. You make excuses for him and you always take his side over ours.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. Stephen never had any support from any of us. Certainly not from Dad, but not from you or me either.”

“I don’t think that’s fair.”

“Yes, it is fair. It’s more than fair. And you know what, Dad I get. That’s who he is. He’s a jerk who only cares about competition and winning, but why didn’t you ever have our backs?”

“What do you want me to say; this is all my fault?”

“No Mom, I don’t want that. I don’t know what I want. I’m tired, I think I’m going to go to the hotel and check in to my room. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? I love you.”

I pulled the rental car out of the driveway, but instead of heading downtown towards my hotel, I found myself heading uptown.Almost as though the car was driving itself, it took me to Stephen. The gray-haired woman working the reception desk didn’t bat an eye at my request to see my brother, taking me down to the basement where he was already laid out in his coffin.

I stood there, alone, looking at that poor, sad face. That face that had aged far too quickly. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew that he knew what I meant. I sat there with him a long time, neither one of us saying a word, just sharing a space alone together like we were back in our bedroom.

After we said everything we needed to say to each other, I got back in my car, but once again failed to drive to the hotel. This time, I drove straight to the airport hoping to get back in time to see Sid’s play.