Such a Doll

“It’s so creepy!” Natalie whined doing her best to shield her ever-wide brown eyes from me.

“We should throw it out,” Riley replied, “They’ll never notice.”

It had been some weeks since the girls made their usual assault of me. They couldn’t be blamed, in all honesty. When I was their age I too was terrified of my grandparents strange knick-knacks, but even they had nothing on the Hendersons.

The family room was sort of my stomping ground and high on each wall was a functioning cuckoo clock, though none of them got the time exactly right. If I wasn’t already cursed listening to them go off four separate times a day each day would seem like a cosmic punishment. Waiting by the door to the garage was a three foot tin Swiss Guardsman in the classic yellow, red, and blue, though each time the door swung open and struck him a new dent or a missing piece was added to him. Then there were the shelves.

Copious photos memorialized every cat the Hendersons had ever had since the day they’d moved here, and personally I couldn’t wait till Felix joined the collection. Little bastard was the only one who knew my predicament and he didn’t do a damn thing about it. In between the frames and urns were porcelain clowns, glass horses, a functioning miniature carousel, and amongst the rest a grandchild-scaring ventriloquist dummy with rosy cheeks and mismatched marbles for eyes that rattled in his head. Every so often Dale Henderson would take him off the shelf to try some old routine and honestly while I appreciate the companionship I do wish his hands weren’t so clammy.

“It moved!” Riley told her younger sister.

“Nu-uh!” Came the horrified response.

“It’s looking right at you! It’s coming!”

“GRANDMA!!” Natalie screamed and ran out of the room with Riley cackling behind her.

In truth I hadn’t moved, I was damn good at sitting still. Though with a body that has no muscles or ligaments it’s not hard to do. Every so often I do feel the slightest itch on my left big toe, but then I realize I don’t have toes anymore.

It isn’t the longest story how I ended up here, I grew up middle class, went to a good college, got a job in finance, and bagged one of those crystal-loving cuties that dance naked in the full moon. We made a good pair, me from the secular world and her from whatever nonsense she was hooked on, but over time things grew a bit stale and friction erupted. I accused her of being a control freak and she accused me of sleeping with a coworker. And a cocktail waitress. And an overly friendly Amazon driver. And her sister, but in my defense I was lead to believe it was part of a spell or something.

I don’t fully understand how it happened, but I went from Wall Street to the wall of knick-knacks after a quick stop at an antique shop. It’s not all that bad, to be honest, according to my nighttime use of the family computer this curse will either wear off over time or potentially be forever, depends on factors beyond my knowledge. But hey, aside from the kind of rude grandkids I have it pretty good. Marge and Dale don’t notice anything, and they’re pretty active for their age. Anytime they’re out of the house I have free range, and their cable package has like ten thousand channels. Turns out there’s like fifteen NCIS spin-offs and they’re all pretty solid. Not to mention I can catch up on my reading as long as it’s either written by David Baldicci or about the Korean War, but hey, at least I’m not addicted to sportsbetting anymore.

To be honest, it wasn’t a bad gig, but the kids could be a bit much. Whenever they came over to stay, I had to be on high alert. Unlike their grandparents they were… curious, but I guess that’s what kids are.

As I listened to the family settle down for dinner in the other room, it did leave a pang in whatever wooden apparatus was my heart. I was never much close with my family, or anyone for that matter. Life is short and there’s no popping in another quarter to continue so I lived each moment. I didn’t plan for kids or any future and I cared way more about making partner than being one. Yet I still dragged along countless women on the ride, promising commitment on one hand, and scrolling dating apps with the other.

Being alone on a shelf all day gives you perspective and if I ever see Lilith again I suppose I owe her an apology. Also a bite on the finger for trashing my PS5, turning me into a wooden doll was fair game but I never moved my 2K games to a memory card so that’s cold.

***

As night fell I settled onto the couch with a riveting book of the Boriquaneers and a stolen booklight that Dale never looked for. I kept one ear open, as it wasn’t uncommon for a sleepless little one to come downstairs for a glass of water or an attempt at the cookie jar. The current plan if that happened was to knock em out and pretend it was a nightmare.

Oddly enough it was a high pitched whistling that disturbed my evening, a grating sound not even the cuckoo clocks could have created. I looked back and shined the book light at the source of the sound behind the couch. Near the garage door there was, well, I’m not sure. Shadows darted from around the room coalescing into a void that seemed to warp the very air around it. It grew and became a tall silhouette of a what could have been human or possibly just a smudge on one of my marbles.

With purpose the shape moved toward the door to the kitchen, gliding across the floor like an ice skater. Somehow, despite my lack of nerve endings I could feel the cold of the room, despite not breathing I could feel the stillness in the air. I did the only thing that came to mind.

“Bro!” I hissed loudly, “Bro!!”

The shape stopped and hovered for a moment.

“This party’s got it’s creepy supernatural being, we don’t need two,” I told him.

“Oh, I’m not staying,” The shape returned in a deep gravelly voice, “I’m a boogeyman.”

“Can you keep it down?” I whispered.

“Why? Oh! They can’t wake up as long as I’m here,” He returned, “Yeah there’s just the two adults and two kids right?”

“Yeah,” I returned at a regular volume, “They’re upstairs.”

“Awesome, thanks,” The shape began to move to the door once more before I called out.

“Wait, wait, what is a boogeyman?”

It stopped, “Oh, I’m like a minor dark spirit. I’m just gonna suck some of the joy and happiness out of the kids while they sleep, I’ll be done soon.”

My levered jaw dropped, “Dude. What the hell?!”

“Oh, were you running something here? I didn’t sense any boundary markers,” It replied.

“You can’t suck the kids’ souls, that’s probably gonna give them depression or some shit!”

“Depression, anxiety, maybe bipolar, look man this is just how it is. The big bads, the real dark spirits, they’ll pay big for this kind of energy. I think I’m the first one here so the getting is good.”

It turned to move to the kitchen and I did the most heroic thing I could think of. I flung my book at it. The hardcover slammed into the spectre, which bent unnaturally, then my evening plans clattered to the floor. The spirit paused and I couldn’t tell which way it was looking.

“Who are you to judge me? You invested in an app that lets schoolkids bet their lunch money on little league games,” It growled.

I was taken aback immediately but it continued, “What about scheduling the biggest pitch meeting of the team’s career on the day Shauna had to be at a funeral, surprise surprise she gets dropped from the project. That’s right, I see your soul, and you know just as well as I do that it’s eat or be eaten.”

I hadn’t felt fear really since being coated in varnish, but in that moment it hit me. The world warped around this thing, this creature from hell that I couldn’t explain. It knew me and it was right. Shauna had quit the firm after that incident, not to mention that cute Amazon driver got fired for taking too long on certain stops, and even though Lilith and her sister had a difficult relationship to begin with I hadn’t really brought them together.

These kids weren’t really my favorite people, and I had only landed here by chance. In between my days watching syndicated television, I snuck glances at my old social media profiles. No one was looking for me, no one was messaging or posting to look for me. Hell, even Lilith had joined some sort of socialist polycule cottagecore I don’t know what days after our split. This thing could grind me to sawdust and no one would care.

With a scream I flung myself at the shape.

It was remarkably solid, though somehow I bounced off and clattered to the hardwood floor. Before I could get my bearings I was lifted off the ground by a black tendril and flung against the wall. I crashed into the tin guardsman who immediately crumbled to pieces. Jagged bits of metal jabbed into me, but for the first time in my stay here I was well and truly pissed. This was my beat, and those kids, annoying as they were, were my little brats. No boogeyman or vampire or Frankenstein was gonna mess that up.

As I sat up I felt something beneath my right palm. I didn’t feel actual sensations, more just alerts to physical stimuli, but I was willing to bet Mr. Dark Spirit wasn’t like me. I grasped the halberd of the Swiss Guardsman that still had his arm attached and lunged for the shadow. Thrusting the weapon upward I felt it snag something and the creature roared. A tendril swatted aside the halberd and then another grabbed my ankle and yanked me onto my back dragging me into the kitchen. The grip was vice-like and I kicked and flailed watching as another tendril yanked open the oven and with horror I realized too late what was happening.

Getting flung into the open oven was already insulting but having the door slam on my wayward limbs until I finally fit inside was just plain rude. The old crank mechanism that locked the door gave a creak and I was trapped, but all hope was not lost. Until the whoosh of the gas releasing sounded and I saw the light under the grate beneath me.

Grabbing the top rack I struggled to pull it free. The rack refused to budge and I was unable to see through the glass where the monster was. For all I know he’s already feasting. I released the grate and stared up at the ceiling of the oven.

“God? Are you there? Or Buddha or Zeus or whoever the opposite of dark scary monsters is, whoever protects children who are about to be eaten, Santa Claus maybe. I’ve never asked for a favor before, but I’m not asking for me. These snot-nosed little shits don’t need the kind of misery that makes them turn out like me, okay? They need to be protected and right now, and bro, that’s me. Help me out on this one, okay?”

As I listened for some kind of reply I shifted uncomfortably realizing something was poking my back. Reaching back I pulled free a triangular shard of tin that curved at the end. It was a piece of the Swiss Guardsman and without hesitation I slammed it over and over again against the glass roaring as much as I could manage. When it finally shattered I tumbled onto the ground and scrambled to the stairs.

The shape was at the top of the steps as I charged behind it and it was making its way into the spare bedroom when I entered the hall. I never had much of a brain, less now that I’m made of wood, but thoughts scrambled as I tried to figure what to do. In between thinking of burning the house down or lighting myself on fire to be the Human Torch it struck me. I sped as fast as my little legs would allow into the Henderson’s room, scanning quickly.

The two were in bed sleeping deeply as logs with Felix the cat at their feet. The feline looked up at me, blinking in the moonlight clearly annoyed so I flipped him off and moved to Marge’s nightstand. Waiting there was a tall prayer candle next to a long stemmed lighter and I grabbed both. It took a few tries with my small hands but soon the candle was aflame and the face of St. Michael showed on the translucent sticker on the front of the glass, his angelic wings spread and his spear skewering a monster of some kind.

“Our father who art the heaven,” I muttered as I ran to the spare bedroom, “Help me now in my hourly death and forgive me for well, everything.”

Inside were two twin beds, both on opposite walls. The specter was between them leaning over little Natalie whose peaceful sleep was disturbed by a furrowed brow as she clutched the blue teddy bear she never slept without. I advanced quickly thrusting the candle forward, literally praying it would work.

The creature didn’t move for just a moment but suddenly gave a loud whistling hiss and recoiled. It’s form swirled as it pressed against the wall.

“Who are you??” It growled.

“I’m Batman, bitch,” I returned, “And Spider-Man and James Bond. Hulk Hogan and every Goddamn Power Ranger. If you or any of your freaky little friends ever come back to this house I will burn you to the ground.”

I moved the candle forward and the creature hissed again, “You will regret this, dark powers are at play, and they shall–”

I dipped my finger in the small pool of melted wax and flicked it at the creature which let out another loud whistle and faded.

“Yeah, I thought so, bitch,” I said before realizing Natalie had stirred. Her brow relaxed and a small dribble of drool had resumed. Looking down at her something stirred in me, I had never wanted kids or wanted to be around kids much, but looking down I realized how important these little shits really are.

***

Cleanup was not easy, I turned the oven off and did my best to reassemble the guardsmen, but one more hit from the door and he was done. The oven was impossible to explain and I listened from my perch as the Hendersons rose early in the morning.

“Chinese manufacturing,” Dale muttered, “Just bought the damn thing.”

“I guess we eat out tonight,” Marge returned sweetly while sweeping the glass.

I love these folks.

It wasn’t long till Natalie’s wide brown eyes were staring at me once more. It was almost like we were having a staring contest, her, me, and the bear she was clutching. Riley made her way into the family room followed by Felix the bastard cat.

“Y’know he broke the oven,” Riley told her sister whose eyes became somehow wider. “He’s cursed.”

Natalie stared up at me in horror.

“We have to banish him or else he’s going to eat us,” Riley told her, “Send him far far away where he can never come back.”

For whatever reason this discussion didn’t bother me. In fact, if I could smile with my hinged jaw, I may have just let out a small smirk.

“We can flush him down the toilet!” Natalie exclaimed and little hands grabbed hold of my ankles.