Phases

On a beautiful, fresh, Autumn late afternoon, Quinn parked her car at the highway rest stop.

What was she doing here?? She hadn’t thought about this part of her life in so long. But now, everything was falling apart, and the vivid memories came crashing back, beckoning her. She had to revisit the place that took so much time throughout her youth and, in return, gave her life.

She turned off the engine, stepped out and closed the door.

Now, her rocky marriage was toppling, her family relations were tense, and she had just lost her job.

“Was this a mid-life crisis?”  Her buzzing mind kept rehashing the same rapid-fire questions. “Why are these crazy childhood dreams reawakened now?” She consoled herself, “Just give it time. This will pass.”

With a hand to her forehead, blocking the too-bright sun, she looked across the asphalt toward the gravel road leading to the stable.  “Am I really going to walk there?”

Her determined feet over-rode her hesitant mind, and before she knew it, she was marching down the familiar, dusty road – a path she had travelled too many times to count in her youth, until the discovery of boys and upcoming college applications and friends and the prominent voices echoing around her “It’s just a phase,” became overbearing. Her innocent love of horses became muted, then squashed.

She glanced at the trailer park at the corner of the highway, where she grew up. She didn’t know anyone from there anymore. She could see people still lived there, though. Quinn lifted her chin, reminding herself of how much she had shaken the “trailer-trash” label since growing up and leaving this place. The bright spot that got her through was the time she spent at the stable.

Her gaze returned to the view before her.

Quinn’s heart started beating faster, and she couldn’t stop the lengthening of her strides, as the old barn came into view.

In her mind, she could already hear the welcoming nickers from the pastured horses and the familiar scents. Despite her confused state, she smiled.

Her steps turned into the drive, where she expected to see the horses enjoying some grass between sessions. But she only saw tall weeds. There were no vehicles, but she could see the old farmhouse across the road, where the owners lived.

“Maybe they’re all stalled by now,” she thought to herself., contemplating the long shadow following her. “It is getting late in the day.”

The day was moving on, but she had a little bit of time to reminisce and chat before retracing her steps up the gravel road. The owners were probably inside with the horses. She thought she heard voices.

She pulled back the rickety wooden door. Her eyes lightly shut, anticipating the heavy scent of horses filling her nose, and the contented sounds of horses munching hay, filling her ears.

She opened her eyes and closed the wooden door behind her. The space seemed dim and quiet.

“Hello?” she called out, stepping into the dusty stream of fading sunlight entering through a mud-streaked windowpane.

When her eyes adjusted, Quinn could see the barn was abandoned. No horses occupied the stalls, and no barn-help strode up-and-down the aisles, busily moving with armfuls of hay, buckets of grain, wheelbarrows and pitchforks. The only smell now was the moldy old straw; the only sounds in her ears was her own heartbeat.

She saw an old haybale sitting along a wall. She sat down on it heavily.

No surprise it was empty. It had been decades since she visited this place. It had been abandoned, but apparently, not completely forgotten, as it still stood. The drive and front leading to the building were both kept clear and mowed.

She stood up and moved back outside.

The outdoor ring for riding lessons still stood to the side of the barn, weeds cut and its wooden fence sound.

She envisioned the ring full of young students, giggling, but concentrating, too. They were having so much fun, it looked like they were playing a game of “follow-the-leader” as a line of riders mimicked the moves behind one of the older girls in front. There! Quinn saw herself. Gosh, she looked so young and small on that horse! But her grown heart swelled with joy and pride. This was always one of her favorite lesson days! She could see the wide grin on the face of her younger self when she turned in the woman’s direction.

Quinn’s hand rose to cover her mouth and tears welled up in her eyes. Tears of grief as well as love.

She enjoyed the care duties just as much as riding – grooming, mucking stalls, feeding, anything a “barn rat” could do to earn saddle time.

Quinn looked at the clock on her cellphone – her hours had already passed! She needed to make the hike back to the rest stop.

She was surprised by the heartache that followed as she returned to her car. Her life was full, she was happy! – her mind insisted.

The dusty road seemed longer this way.

Finally, she reached her car, sat down inside and pulled out her phone. Quinn started scrolling ads of horses for sale. Twilight turned the dark light purple. When she looked up again, it was dark.

Quinn put her phone down, started the car, turned on the headlights and began to pull out slowly from the rest area. She glanced at her phone on the seat and stopped.

The picture that showed looked like the pony she had ridden often!

A car raced by and honked. Quinn quickly backed her car into the rest area and parked again so she could more closely look at the ad for the little red mare.

After a few more minutes, and finding the directions, which showed that the horse was located pretty close by, Quinn hit the road again, pointing the vehicle in the direction of the little horse with the soulful eyes for sale.