Raindrop Memories

Raindrops have a way of making the world feel quieter even when it rains sheets that drum on the rooftops and drenches everything in its path.

Tonight it felt relentless in the slanted lines that blurred the streetlights into glowing halos turning the whole city into a bright water color painting. Lila stood in the middle of it. Her thin blue and gold jacket was plastered to her arms. Her hood covered her from the rain and the cold.

The water ran down her cheeks which made her look like she had been crying although her eyes were dry, at least for now. Her mother used to say that the rain made everyone honest.

“People pretend in the sunshine.” Mom once said as he brushed a stand of wet hair from Lila’s eyes. “But when the sky opens up everyone shows who they really are.”

Lila was not sure who she was anymore. Not after the funeral. Not after the last of the grief casseroles and sympathy cards had been delivered. Not after the last of the sympathy texts have tapered off and everyone assumed that she should be “getting back to normal.” She didn’t even know what normal meant without her mom.

The street was almost empty as she stood there with her hands buried deep inside her pockets of her jacket watching the rivulets of the water along the curb like tiny miniature rivers. A bus drove by sending up an arc of spray that soaked her jeans even more than before. She didn’t move. She let the city around her continue to do its business normally while she stayed still letting the memories rise in her head like uninvited ghosts.

Her mother would have told her she was being overly dramatic and then she would hug her and laugh and somehow that would make everything feel lighter.

“Live your life Lil.” Her mom would say so many times it had become a mantra in her head. “Don’t wait for permission. Don’t wait for someday or somebody. Fill your life up while you can.”

At the time Lila rolled her eyes like most teenagers would probably do, convinced herself that she had an infinite amount of time to figure things out. She had not realized that her mom’s advice was laced with urgency like she had known somehow that someday was not promised.

Suddenly a gust of wind pushed against Lila as if shaping her back into her body for a moment. She wrapped her arms around herself like a blanket and closed her eyes letting the rain take her back to that night when the smell of fried chicken and wet pavement filled the air. The night she first realized that her mother could be both an adult and a child at the same time.

She was ten years old. A little tall for her age and a little awkward. She was very aware of both. It was Thursday, chicken night, as they called it in those days. When her mom would take her out for crispy fried chicken wings and mashed potatoes which looked like they were drowning in gravy. It was their ritual and their special time together, mother and daughter time. No matter how chaotic life became Thursday evenings were just for them.

That night the forecast had been clear with a ten percent chance of rain. Nobody expected rain. The sunset had been a magnificent mix of red and orange which reminded Lila of the promise of summer. Lila remembered skipping a little as they walked down Josephine Street, her hand tightly swinging in her mom’s hand. She remembered the smell of the lavender filling the night air. She remembered her mom humming an old song, maybe a Prince song, under her breath and the first drop of rain hitting her arm.

“Did you feel that?” She said, stopping in her tracks.

Her mom looked up at the sky and another drop fell on her green blouse. “Hummm.” She said, narrowing her eyes. “The plot thickens.”

Lila giggled and before she could ask her mom what she meant the sky opened up with no warning. Just a sudden roar of water that drenched both of them in seconds. People around them yelled and ran for cover lifting newspapers, purses and backpacks over their heads. Someone cursed loudly. A woman ran towards her car, her high heels clacking against the sidewalk. But Lila and her mom stood there looking up at the sky and the rain. Then her mom laughed. It was not a polite mother-laugh like the kind when Lila told her mom a joke she didn’t quite understand. This laugh was a full belly laugh from deep inside her body that made her throw back her head and scrunch up her nose and turn her eyes into little slits. It echoed against the bricks of the buildings around them and mixed with the sound of the raindrops.

“Mom?” Lila asked, unsure of what to think.

Her mom took her hand again. “Come on!”

Before she could say anything else her mom was pulling her down the street. Both of them splashing through the puddles as if they were running late for an appointment. But they were not late for anything. There was nowhere they had to be really. They just ran because it felt exhilarating and the cold rain made them feel fierce and alive. Lila felt small and unstoppable at the same time.

Water flew around their feet and ankles. Cars honked at each other and a man shouted at them to get inside because they were going to catch a cold. But she and her mom just kept on running. Their soaked sneakers slapped against the sidewalk.

When they finally reached the small corner restaurant they ducked under the awning. They were out of breath and soaked, dripping wet. The glow of the fluorescent sign buzzed faintly above them illuminating the water streaming down their faces.

“That was fun.” Lila said. She was smiling so hard that her cheeks hurt.

Her mom wiped water from her face and eyes and said. “Yes this is fun!”

Lila nodded. They stepped inside the restaurant to a burst of warm air and the smell of chicken frying in oil. The server glanced at them and raised her left eyebrow. “You two look like you have been swimming in the ocean.” She said, handing them towels from behind the counter.

“We got caught in the rain.” Her mom said cheerfully. “It was very dramatic. A five-star adventure.” Her mom continued.

Lila wrapped her towel around her shoulders as they were both seated in their usual booth. The booth by the window where her mom liked to watch people. The rain streaked down the glass forming long patterns. The sound of the rain hitting the roof was calming.

As they waited for their food her mom rested her hand on her chin and looked at Lila smiling . “You know nights like this do happen often.”

“What do you mean?” Lila asked as she sipped her lemonade.

“Moments you will remember forever. You don’t get to choose them. They choose you. And if you are too busy worrying about life you might miss them.”

Lila looked confused. “Miss what?”

“The good stuff.” Her mom said. Then reached across the table to brush a wet strand of hair behind Lila’s ear. “Life is going to take you in all kinds of directions. Some that you choose and some that you won’t. But I want you to promise me something.”

“What?”

“Promise me that you’ll live it. All of it, even the messy parts. Especially the messy parts.”

Lila nodded. Although she didn’t fully understand. “Okay.”

Her mom squeezed her hand. “Good because you deserve to live a full life. Not a half-lived one.”

The food arrived steaming hot and smelling like comfort. They ate until they were full and when they stepped back outside the rain had stopped. The streets glowed under the street lights and the city felt fresh and washed clean. Lila did now know that memory would become a cornerstone, something she would return to again and again as the years passed. She didn’t know one day she would cling to the memory of her moms rain-soaked laugh like a lifeline.

Standing now under a different sky, under a heavier weight, Lila wrapped her arms around herself and let the memory linger.

The rain felt colder tonight and less playful, more like a reminder of things lost. But maybe it was also a reminder of things possible. Her mom’s voice, warm and steady, echoed in her mind.

“Live your life Lil. Fill it up.”

She exhaled. And stood a step forward. A puddle splashed against her shoe. And she could almost hear her mom’s laugh. Lila started walking. She didn’t run. She was moving and that was enough for now.

The rain started to fall harder tracing her path and mingling with her tears that she hadn’t realized had come. But she didn’t hide from them or from the storm. She walked through it. Her mom would have been proud.