Swatting Junebugs

Juniper Day looks in the mirror, and the girl staring back at her is unrecognizable. The scab on her lip is surrounded by ugly green and blue bruising. There’s a chunk of her curly blonde hair missing from where Angie dragged her by it two nights ago. Dried blood stains her scalp and the strands around the bald spot. Her face is sunken, bones protruding where she once was soft and supple. June can’t help but think she looks a bit like a corpse. She looks the way Mom did in the days before the cancer finally took her, or the way Hattie looked after years of giving everything she had to their mother who hated her.

The realization leaves the worst taste in June’s mouth. Her worst fears came true before her eyes, and June did nothing to stop it. She let it happen, she even enjoyed parts of it. Every excuse June has made to her sisters for Angie and the horror story that is their relationship plays on repeat in her mind.

Blair and Luis’ wedding was supposed to be a celebration of love and growth. June watched the two dance around each other for a decade before they both got over the things holding them back. June and her sisters had spent a decade speculating about when Hattie’s best friend would finally give the line cook from Hattie’s job a real chance.

Mom’s death brought an era of change, and one of June’s favorites was Blair and Luis blossoming into the first example of real love June can remember seeing. She was seventeen then, and they were still the only real love June believed in four years later.

What would Blair and Luis say when they see her today? How can June possibly cover up the hideous marks painting her skin ugly shades of purple and blue? She’s supposed to be in the bridal sweet in less than an hour and June Day looks like she went ten rounds with a boxer, not like a girl who is in love with the life she built for herself in Boston after Mom’s death.

Fresh tears cascade down June’s face. She cringes in pain as the tender bruises protest against the way her face scrunches when June cries. June forces her face to relax as waves of tears flow down her face. She’ll have to come up with an excuse to meet the girls later and take care of her own hair and makeup.

June dials Blair’s number with shaky fingers. She has plenty of practice sounding better than she is, so when Blair answers the call June’s voice is steady and full of excitement. “How’s the bride to be?”

“Honestly? Overwhelmed and freaking out a bit.”

“Good thing you have two type A bridesmaids and an amazing maid of honor. Focus on being happy and beautiful on your special day Blair. We’ve got everything else.”

“I know Juni. I can’t help it.”

“Of course. I get that.”

“So why are you calling?”

“I think I partied just a bit too hard last night. I’m gonna catch a few minutes of extra sleep, but I’ll be there before the ceremony.”

“What about hair and makeup?”

“Blair, please. We both know I’ve got that.”

“Right, right Ms. Fashion Student.”

“Exactly.” June laughs. “Tell my sisters I said hi. I’ll be there an hour before the ceremony.”

“Okay.” Blair sighs into the phone. “Is everything okay with you Juni?”

“Of course.”

“It’s just— when I was with David I felt this pressure to keep up appearance with my friends and family so I wouldn’t worry you guys, and—”

“Blair, this is not a conversation for your wedding day. I am spectacular, and I would one hundred percent tell you guys if something was going on with Angie and I.”

“You have a poor track record of asking for help.”

“Runs in the family.” June laughs weakly, her eyes finding her reflection in the bathroom mirror again. Between Blair trying to survive the abusive relationship she was in for her entire undergraduate degree and Hattie withering away under their mother’s verbal and emotional manipulation, they’ve all set poor examples of how to ask for help. June knows if she told Blair then she and her sisters would be there in an instant. They’d help June pack up and leave that miserable shoebox downtown without a question.

June’s the only thing holding herself back. The useless, pathetic hope that the version of Angie she thinks existed when they first got together is still in there somewhere. If June has learned anything about abusive relationships from Blair or Hattie, then she should know this version of Angie was never real. On some level, June does know this, but she can’t shake the seeds of hope still buried within her. This hope and the hit her pride would take, admitting she fell for the same pretty words as her oldest sister and Blair keep June trapped.

It takes the full three hours between when June ends the call and when she told Blair she’d get to the wedding for June to cover up the damage. There’s no erasing the scab on her lip, but that can be explained away easier than her bald spot and bruises. June’s makeup is caked on so thickly she feels like there’s a solid layer between her skin and the humid Florida air. Her curls are in an elegant half-updo that covers the spot where she’s missing hair. She scrubbed most of the dried blood away and hid whatever she couldn’t get rid of with a root touchup spray.

Angie brings June a plate of breakfast while June adds the finishing touches to her eye makeup. June stares up at the woman she loves. Guilt and shame mix with adoration in a confusing melting pot of June’s emotions. There is no pretending she doesn’t love Angie, but when does loving someone stop being enough? When is being in love with someone not a good enough reason to stay?

“Good morning.” Angie presses a kiss to June’s temple. “You look gorgeous.”

“Thanks.” June stabs some hashbrowns with her fork and eats them carefully. Her lip is tender where it’s split, but if she’s careful, chewing doesn’t hurt too much. “Are you sure you can’t stay for the reception?”

“Yeah. This contract has to be closed this evening before the investors leave town. I’m sorry Junebug.” Angie pets her shoulder gently.

“I know.” June smiles softly. How can she be so terrified of someone’s mood flipping, yet still want their company so badly?

“I’ll take you out for a nice dinner tomorrow to make it up to you baby.” Angie whispers against June’s ear. Like breakfast, these displays of affection and promises feel like a weak bandaid on the real problems they’re supposed to be facing.

“Or, maybe we could try out that couples therapy we talked about?” June smiles up at Angie, careful to keep her tone and smile sweet and hopeful.

“I don’t have the time this week. Besides, we don’t need couples therapy.”

“I think we do.”

“Is this about the other night?” Angie sighs like a parent irritated by a child’s pestering. June bristles, but keeps herself calm.

“Among other things.”

“Baby, I told you it’s never going to happen again.”

“You said that last time.” June grits her teeth in an attempt to quell the tears threatening to escape. She hates crying in front of anyone, but especially Angie.

“Oh my god. That was two years ago. You can’t hold that against me anytime we fight.”

“Angie, you ripped some of my hair out.” June croaks. “This is scary for me, and I just want to set us up for a successful future—”

“By sitting us down with some shrink who’s going to tell you to leave me and agree with these manipulative mind games?”

“I’m not trying to manipulate you. I swear.” June pleads, needing Angie to hear her for once. “Angie, you know how much I love you, but we need this.”

“We don’t need this! I said it won’t happen again, so let it go.”

“Why should I believe you?” Fat tears drop down June’s face as Angie brushes her off again. “Everytime this happens you promise me that and it’s never true.”

“You know what? We are not having this fight right now. Go to Blair’s wedding by yourself and figure out if you really still want to be with me.”

“Of course I want to be with you!”

“Really? Cause it sounds like you have one foot out the door already.” Angie is so close to June’s face, she can smell the toothpaste Angie just used to brush her teeth. For a moment June is braced for pain, sure the side of Angie which came out the other night is back. Instead, Angie stands up straight and takes a quick step back. “We’ll talk about this later.”

June’s mind races. The hour before the beginning of the ceremony consists of June avoiding being alone with either of her sisters or Blair and fixing small details to ensure Blair has the best day possible. The smell of Angie’s toothpaste and the metallic taste of blood in her mouth two nights ago haunt her. She tastes it when Blair walks down the aisle and smells it as Luis and Blair say their vows. June can’t seem to keep her mind in the room with her despite her best efforts. Another day has been taken over by Angie’s temper, distracting June from these precious moments she should be spending with her loved ones.

Is it fair to blame Angie when June is the one who stays? The one who keeps giving Angie another chance? Is it fair to blame someone else for her own naivete? The answer should be simple. After all, June did not blame Blair when she took four years to leave David. No one blamed Hattie for drowning in that house with Mom.

June can’t seem to shake the idea that her situation is different.

The happy couple finish their vows and kiss. Tears stream down June’s face as she cheers. Hattie and Live sit on both sides of her, their own faces covered with tears. June can’t decipher between the tears of joy for Blair and the tears of grief for herself. June presses her lips together, wincing as the scab rips.

“Your lip.” Liv pushes a tissue into June’s hand. She holds it to her mouth, pressing down to stem the trickle of blood. When June arrived at the bridal suite before the wedding she didn’t try to excuse the split lip. She acted as though it weren't there so no one else would bring it up, and for once they let her.

“Thanks.” June sniffles.

“What happened to it?” Liv murmurs as they clap. June remembers the way her face smashed into the doorframe, the way the pain ricocheted through her head, and the pain when Angie gripped her hair and dragged her back from the door.

“I slipped in the bathroom.” June’s lie almost gets caught in her throat. Lying to her sisters has always been easy for June. She’s known not to worry them while they were dealing with their own struggles, but the replay of the other night is so real and suffocating that her words almost can’t squeeze past the lump in her throat.

“You should get it looked at.”

“Okay.” Liv quizzes June’s hand, surprised by her baby sister’s lack of push back.

June feels Angie’s absence the most at the reception, but not in the way she expected. She sits with Hattie, Liv, and some of their friends from Tampa. Liv got June an ice pack to hold on her lip, which has since melted and now sits forgotten by June’s empty glass of wine. The table giggles and laughs over inside jokes they have from a childhood spent covered in sunburns and sand on the beaches of Citrus Bay. They all grew up together, went different ways, and still found themselves back in each other's company.

June talks more than she has in months. Without Angie here there’s no pressure to say the right thing or laugh at the right time. June isn’t going to get pulled into the bathroom and scolded or shouted at in the car for how she danced. No one is counting her calories or glasses of wine. June is able to be with the people she loves without ruining things with the woman she is in love with.

Angie still penetrates what is supposed to be a happy moment, and June grows increasingly frustrated with her inability to live in the moment.

This is not the life June wants for herself. She looks over at the table where Blair and Luis are laughing over their first meal as a married couple. Luis brushes a loose curl from Blair’s face, and his eyes sparkle with the adoration he has for Hattie’s best friend.

Four years ago Blair was with someone who hurt her. Did he invade her thoughts at all times of day like Angie does hers? When Blair decided to leave David was she still in love with him? June remembers how gaunt and small Blair had become in her years with David. He sucked the confidence and passion that made Blair Sutton who she was out of her.

Blair is the woman David tried to break and then some. She graduated law school, passed her Bar exam, owns a house, runs a charity, and found someone who loves her for her and doesn’t need to make her smaller to feel big.

This is the life June wants. She loves Angie so much her chest hurts, but the person June has become is no longer a version of herself she wants to live with. She cannot bear to wake up, look in the mirror, and see this pathetic shell of herself anymore. She cannot spend one more morning using skills she’s gained at art and fashion school to cover up the bruises someone she loves has left on her body. It doesn’t matter how infrequently it happens.

The party rages on. June loses herself in the beauty of dancing with her sisters. When she splits her lip open again, Liv pulls June into a bathroom and patches her up. They cry and laugh, and June feels like she’s in the room with the moment for the first time in months. These are the nights she wants to comprise her life. Nights spent dancing with the women she loves until the sun rises, apartment hunting in new cities, mimosas in the backyard, hungover breakfasts at Blair’s house.

June cannot spend another night nursing herself back to health. This morning she wondered when being in love with someone stops being enough to tolerate the dark parts of themselves they’re unable to recognize, and she has her answer. It wasn’t ever enough. She tried to fill the holes carved out of her by Angie with the love she had for her, and it will never be enough. Angie will never consume enough of June’s life to be happy, and June will never be able to fool herself into thinking she can fill the holes in her life with that kind of love.

“I need to tell you something.” June’s voice is hoarse from laughter. She sobers, trying to find the words for what she has to tell her sister.

“Sure.” Liv senses June’s seriousness. Liv’s never been a big drinker, and this wedding was no exception. She senses the shift in June and straightens up.

“Angie split my lip the other night.” June’s voice thickens with the threat of tears, but she pushes through it. If she doesn’t tell Liv now, then she’s worried she’ll lose her nerve and never tell anyone. If she doesn’t get it out now then June will go home, sleep in bed with the woman she loves who doesn’t love her, and that will be the rest of her life. “This isn’t the first time, and— and I don’t think it’ll be the last.”

Liv’s smile drops. She’s always been able to go from zero to one hundred in seconds, and it never gets less unsettling. June thinks after twenty one years of life with her sister she would get used to it, but nothing can compare to Liv’s anger when someone she loves is in pain. Liv sucks in a steadying breath for June’s benefit.

“What do you need?”

“I’m ready to leave. I just need help.” June isn’t sure the words are true, but she forces as much conviction as she can muster into them. If she has to fake it until she feels it then that is just what she will do.