Learning to Breathe

Learning to Breathe

The chime of Ky’s watch signaled the third hour of his hike. In the three hours he had been exploring Finlayson, he had taken care to stay on the well-worn path. Diverging from the compacted dirt into lesser explored territories could lead to potential danger and anyone who knew Ky knew he would never put himself in harm’s way. This path was set for a reason; it must be the best way to reach the summit.

Reaching the apex, Ky soaked in the views. Little houses dotted the landscape. Little houses separated by what seemed like endless trees. The fresh air, the warm sun on his skin, and the slight breeze tussling his hair convinced him life wasn’t half bad. The majesty of this moment lead Ky to one simple conclusion: there was more to life than meeting deadlines. Inhaling deeply, he reminded himself that breathing was a part of life. Breathing was life. Without breath, he would cease to exist, both in a very literal sense but also metaphorically.

Ky took a seat on a nearby rock, letting the beauty of Victoria engulf him. He sat for what felt like moments and hours at the same time. Though other hikers were around, Ky mostly stayed to himself, speaking an occasional word or two when directly addressed. As he allowed the scenery to wash over him, he realized the sun was beginning to set. He needed to begin his descent before darkness came to hide the trail.

Working slowly so as not to fall down the steep, rocky terrain, Ky searched for space to place his hand and steady himself. He took careful steps, testing various places to set his foot before making a decision. His friends always joked “careful” was his middle name, yet Ky wore it as a badge of honor. He would rather be careful than risk harm, even if the harm was minor. This terrain could be tricky, and he was well aware of the risks associated with getting injured at this elevation and this late in the evening. No one would come this way until morning, and by then, who knows what shape he would be in.

Knowing the terrain was important. Ky had studied it extensively before coming on this hike alone. Though he was familiar with the path because of countless journeys to Finlayson’s peak with friends, making the trip down alone felt different. Out of place. A feeling began to develop in the pit of his stomach. His friends. The group he had done everything with. Why weren’t they with him this time? Why did he have to make this hike alone? Life has a funny was of pulling people away from each other. Some say they “grew apart,” while others “drifted away.” That makes it sound so peaceful and slow. Ky didn’t see it that way. No, the way he saw it, life drove a wedge between he and his friends. This wedge didn’t seem like it would do much at the time, but it was successful in separating them. One friend’s wedge came in the form of moving to the United States for graduate school. Another friend, marriage. But the final friend- he drove the biggest wedge of them all to split himself from the group. He-- No! Don’t go there, Ky. Don’t think about Dustin. The wedge is there, and it is holding the door shut. Don’t open that door.

Making it to the bottom of that section, Ky realized he had been holding his breath. His lungs burned, screaming for oxygen. After a few deep breathes, his lungs were satisfied and his descent continued. Letting his mind wander, he thought about his own graduate program and future career. School was fine. It wasn’t everything he had dreamed it would be, but dreams could be deceiving. Who was he kidding- dreams are deceiving. That’s what makes them dreams. The path was set. Others had done it. They survived and successfully graduated, getting a job right afterwards. If they could do it, why couldn’t he? Did it really matter if he had the best time getting his degree? Once he had it, he wouldn’t have to go back. But as he contemplated these things, the feeling in the pit in his stomach tightened. Was he happy? Did that even matter?

Looking up, Ky realized the sun was setting faster than he anticipated. The darkness was beginning to grow thicker, and it played tricks on his eyes. Shifting shadows seems to lurk mere meters in front of him. Breathe. Ky sucked in a quick breath and quickly exhaled. His muscles tensed. Breathe. This time, Ky tried to take a steadier breath, but to no avail. Breathe. Stopping where he was, Ky attempted once more to take a real breath. This time, he breathed in deeply through his nose, letting the cool air enter his lungs and oxygenate his whole body. He felt his muscles begin the relax. Exhaling, he closed eyes. When he opened them, the darkness was thicker.

Ky cursed himself for staying at the top of Finlayson for so long. If he would have left earlier, he could have gotten to the bottom of the mountain before dark. But here he was. Half-way down the mountain with the sun quickly setting. Much like his life. He was half-way through this degree but felt the darkness closing in. The sun was setting on this part of his life, and he wasn’t sure what was next. Would he graduate, get a job, and be happy where he ended up. Would there be a morning glow at the end of this stage of life, or would the darkness be a closing curtain?

Stop, Ky. Why are you thinking like this? Where are these thoughts coming from? You were so happy at the top of the summit. Why are you letting the impending darkness consume you? Breathe. He couldn’t. Breathe. Shallow, quick. Breathe. A little deeper and slower. Breathe. Deep inhales but quick exhales. Breathe. Breathe. BREATHE. Slow, deep inhale. Hold. Slow exhale. Again. Slower. Again. Breathe.

Walking out of the woods, Ky was able to better see the sun apart from the shadows. It was still setting, but without the obstruction of the trees, it was a little brighter. Taking one more deep breath, Ky realized how tense he had been when he felt like the dark was closing in. He saw the dark for what he believed it was: the ending of something good. But stepping back into the light, he realized the darkness was necessary. Without the darkness, light would not be so joyful. The darkness marked the end of a day, but it also marked the beginning of a new day. Morning glow was not far off now.