Simmering Chai

“Sumit, could you put the chai on please?” her voice carried across the room as she walked away from the kitchen.

“Is this the right time? Should I really bring this up today? She has been in a great mood all day, is that really worth spoiling? Shit, what am I doing?” As Sumit’s inner monologue continued, he picked himself off the couch and put on his house slippers. A notification pinged on his phone and the knot in his stomach tightened.

“Sumit? Sweetie, did you hear me?” she peeked from the bedroom, her face held a quizzical expression. “You’ve got to acknowledge when I say something, love. I never know if you heard me or just haven’t acknowledged it yet” frustration leaked onto her face. Micro expressions, that only he had the privilege and time to learn.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I heard you. I’m on it.” Sumit said as he hunted down the tea saucepan, for one only made tea in that particular vessel. Preeti was particular. “Listen, do you know where the tea saucepan is? I’ve looked everywhere, I swear!” he knew as he said it, she would find it in an instant and give him that cute ‘really? You looked everywhere huh?’ look.

That was precisely what happened. Sumit added a glass of water and three small spoons of Indian black tea leaves. It was a ritual, a process. A deep sense of familiarity that infused calm. The tea leaves stained the water and as he waited for it to simmer, Sumit added whole spices to the mortar and pestle. “If you’ve been thinking about it, you should speak it? Right? Why does this have to be so hard? Why can’t she just get it?” He ruminated further as the cardamom, cloves, cinnamon and ginger were ground down. Ground down, like his own thoughts were, against the untameable desire to avoid the conversation, he knew he had to have.

“Hey! What did those spices ever do to you?” Preeti questioned with a smile. “Is everything okay, love?” Those micro expressions gave her away again, love and curiosity quickly shifting to worry. “I’m alright, babe. But, you are right. We do need to talk” his voice quivered. It was too late to go back, every alarm bell in Preeti’s head was going off right about now. She would not let this go until she got it out of him.

He added the spices to the swirling tea and paused to watch the first signs of a little bubble dance around the edges of the water. Sumit inhaled deeply, the aroma of the sweet spices and the earthy tea filled his senses, he breathed out calm. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while, Preeti. I love the life we lead here, I love that we have built it to be exactly what we find comfortable. But… but, maybe that's the problem,” like a flurry of bubbles it came pouring out and stopped, just as abruptly.

“Okay, okay, okay” Preeti said quickly as she chewed her bottom lip. A telltale sign of her anxiety. “I’m listening, go on.”

He stepped towards her “No, see this is why I haven't brought it up all these days. I can see how worried you are! I don't want you to worry, I want calm and peace for you, always. I’m sorry” Sumit said, stepping back and staring down at the pot of tea, now simmering. It reflected the disappointment simmering within him.

“Sumit! C’mon, you give me half of nothing and expect me to smile about it? Yes, my mind is visualizing a thousand different horrible reasons based on the three words you’ve said so far. About not wanting to be comfortable? Just speak to me, honey. Trust me, nothing you say can be as horrible as what my mind is making up right now.” Frustration, worry and kindness swirled just as the spices he had just dropped into the tea.

Sumit turned down the heat and measured a glass of milk. He turned around, eyes still not meeting hers. “I’m not happy at work, Preeti. We have spoken about it so many times before, but nothing seems to materialize from it. I’m still just here, I’m still hating every monday, hating every time the phone rings and I know it’s work, hating every late night meeting, hating not being able to enjoy my own life. It fills so much of my waking day and sleepless night.” He added the milk to the tea and spices. It would need some time to come back to a simmer. “How many times have we talked about me finding another job? It’s not like I haven't applied, the job market is just terrible right now. Then I just stop and the cycle starts all over again. I apply, nothing comes of it, back to hating everything about work, until it sickens me enough to try again. It feels like I’m stuck in an endless loop. I don’t know how to break out of it, without breaking apart this perfect life we have built here,” the seriousness of what Sumit just said seeped into the very air around them.

“What can I do? Tell me what you need, I will do it. You know I hate that you’re going through this. If that's what it takes for you to be happy, you know I will do it with no regrets at all,” she spoke fast. She hoped she’d said the right thing. “But see, that’s just it. My anxiety has not been invisible to you. Why didn't you just come up with some options? Why wait for me to have this conversation? I need you to push me, to inspire me!” He said, guilt trickling into his voice.

“Sumit, I have tried everything I can to make this easier for you. I can't do your job for you, but I have taken everything that I can, off your plate. Every time I even attempt to bring up this topic with you, you have pushed me away or just straight up said you don’t want to talk about it. How am I supposed to present options when I’m not even given the opportunity to understand what you’re going through? I really didn't know until today. I’m sorry, honey. I really am. I just want to help” tears glistened as she spoke. She knew this would make his brows furrow deeper. She’d noticed how there was always a shadow of a frown line between his eyebrows, even when he wasn’t frowning. She adored it.

The tea was simmering once more. Preeti took out a bottle of honey from the cupboard over the stove. She handed it to Sumit, her eyes not meeting his. “I’m sorry,” Sumit mumbled. “But can we agree right here and now that something needs to be done? Even if that means upsetting the balance? I see you having a good day most days and honestly, I’m glad! I’m happy this isn't affecting you. But, there is some small part of me that also feels a bit resentful, you get to enjoy that beautiful backyard anytime you’d like to. Watch a show or read a book whenever you’d like. I’m not trying to take away your joy by saying this, Preeti. I just really want some joy too. I can't do it without you. I need you to push me, sometimes make me do the thing I’m afraid to do,” he watched a tear escape Preeti’s eye and looked away. He hated the idea of tearing down her happiness. The knot in his stomach seemed to expand, moving through his body.

“I love you Sumit. Please, hear what I’m saying. This life is not worth enjoying if you don’t get to enjoy it with me. I’m honestly ready to do whatever it takes to help you find your joy again, even if that means leaving all this behind. But honey, I’m not psychic. You need to let me in, tell me how you’re feeling. Even when it's just a baby simmer, not only when it’s a roaring boil. I’m here for you, love. I’m not afraid of rebuilding as long as it's with you!” The intensity of her stare could have ignited a flame.

Sumit added three spoons of honey to the now boiling tea, turned the heat further down and hugged Preeti. He held onto her until his mind quieted and the knot untangled, something only she was capable of doing. “Okay, so now shall we have some chai while we decide the best way to not be comfortable?” She asked with a smile on her face.