Tartare

“Ok, Lilly, stop messing around, it’s not funny anymore, STOP LOOKING AT ME. I know you are a picky eater, but we ran out of your favorite stuff a while ago, and let’s be honest its hard to get it. Ok, I’ll go get us something to eat. Shit, I’m going to be late for the date.”

***

I hope she doesn’t ghost me. She said eight o’clock. I guess it’s only been ten minutes. Oh, here she is…I think. 

“Are you, Alice?”

“Yes, and you are Michael”

“Yup. Sorry, I just got myself a drink.”

Man she’s cute. 

“I ordered a martini… they, uh make’em good here,”

“I’m more of a wine person. Hard liquors just smell like preservatives to me.”

“Fair. Honestly I only ordered one because this is the fanciest place I’ve ever been to and it seemed to make sense. Not totally sure if it’s good or not”

Way to go dumbass. 

“Really? Well, I’m glad I could take a fish out of water. So, Michael, how do you make a living?”

“Oh, well…I build stuff… I uh… I’m in construction.”

Wow, you’re killing it dude.

“I see…well, that’s pretty cool.”

Oh, ok well maybe I’m not completely ruining my chances here.

“I…uh, I just got done building my own house actually.”

“Wow, ok so you’re not just in construction you’re a jack of all trades.”

Don’t blush dumbass.

“I mean, I guess you could say that. I had a lot of people around to teach me over the years. What do you do?”

“I’m a chef.”

“Woah, super cool. What kind of food do you cook?”

“I don’t cook. I create.”

Oh shit, now you’ve done it.

“Oh, of course…I mean, what do you… create?”

“I find ways to use exotic meats in traditional dishes.”

“That sounds amazing. I grew up hunting and have had quite a few different kinds of meat. Do you have a favorite?”

“I haven’t found the perfect one yet.”

“Well…I’m sure it’s out there.”

“Yes it is.”

Ok finally…the waiter. I guess I’ll order meat. But what meat? Uh, ok just steak…or is that boring. Nah it’ll be fine. Oh…she ordered fish. Should I have ordered fish? GOD DAMNIT, I am screwing this up so bad. 

“So, uh where do you work…uh…cooking, I mean creating and stuff?”

“I’m a private chef.”

“Oh, very cool, cooked for anyone famous before?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, uh, cool.”

Alright, I need to turn this around. Take a fucking breath and be cool.

“I like meat.”

Wow, yeah great job, really nailed it with that one man.

“Well, clearly, I do too. Sorry if this seems too up front but, do you work out?”

Oh hell yeah here we go.

“Well yes, yes I do.” 

Don’t flex you idiot.

“That’s fantastic!”

Woah she’s into that. 

“I mostly do functional movements; stuff that works the whole body. You know none of that popcorn muscle stuff that isolates a muscle group.” Don’t mansplain dude. “...but you probably knew that.”

“No, actually I didn’t, but I’m intrigued. Do you have a favorite muscle to work on?”

“Uh..not really, I do like to squat though, gotta keep the peppers popping.”

“Very nice, I’m sure your quads are very well formed.”

“Yeah, they are…I guess.”

Hell yeah, appetizers. A break. She ordered it. Not sure what tartare is but I’ll try anything once. Wow, she really likes this stuff. Don’t be judgy man, just try some. Oh shit, gross. 

“Wow, this is an interesting taste.”

“Yes, I’ve made tartare a thousand times for clients. This is…mediocre, but it’s one of my favorites. I find exotic meats are often better when served rare.”

“Don’t kill me, but I used to be a ‘well done’ steak guy, but hey, I’ve been converted.”

“Good, I wouldn’t want to have to end this date early.”

Did she just smile? Alright, well maybe this is going ok. Stick to food talk, that seems to be going ok. 

“So, what’s your second favorite dish, to cook or to eat?”

“It sounds crazy, but I took a trip to the Congo once and ate meat from an ape. It was an experience, and I’ve been trying to replicate it since.”

“Interesting. I grew up eating a lot of venison, and I know some people don’t like the taste but I’m a big fan.”

Take a breath man, you’re on a roll and she’s into it, the meat thing is a little weird but it’s probably nothing. 

“I’ve cooked venison a few times. I made a stroganoff that went particularly well with it.”

This steak is good, glad I ordered it rare. Way better than that tartare stuff. 

“I have to go to the bathroom, but please don’t wait to eat. I hope the food lives up to your chef’s pallet. If the waiter comes back can you order me another martini?”

“Sure, sounds good.”

Hell yeah. This is going well. Maybe I’ll ask for a second date. She is a bit…quirky, but that’s fine. I guess it’s up to her if she wants to. I mean I’d see her again. Oh dope, she ordered me another drink.

“Thanks for the drink.”

“No problem.”

Woah, that tastes…different.

“Is this the same thing?”

“Yes. I asked the waiter for another of the same.”

“Oh, ok. Cool.”

Holy nausea, I do not feel great. 

“Are you sure? This tastes different.”

“Yeah, are you ok? You don’t look so good.”

I need to go to the bathroom, but shit I don’t think I can walk. Tunnel vision. 

“Why don’t we go out and get some air.”

“Yeah…uh…I guess that sounds good.”

***

“Well that was delicious Lilly. I haven’t had meat like that in ages. Still pretty far from the Congo experience though. Don’t look at me like that, I couldn’t help myself ok. His legs were…juicy, and I know the rest of him will be delectable. Just wish he didn’t get so sick. Ah, what do you know, you’re just an incontinent old cat.”