Obsessia

Trigger Warning: mental health, suicide, harm

I have longed to feel her once again. To hear her subtle breathing as her eyes rest for the night. There’s something calming in watching her sleep, a nerve of obsession turned off when I could finally be with her.

This was what a man fought for in his life. The long-lasting search for a love so unstoppable, even soon being six-feet apart from each other for the rest of eternity seemed close enough.

It’s easier to imagine the spirited woman I once knew when she’s asleep. Her joyous smile as she strolled along the parks, waving back at the children she knew and loved. The Lillian I had spent years baking pies with to prepare for her absurd amount of gatherings. I craved that feeling of connection we once had, without another being taking over her body and stealing her soul from me.

I had been searching for a flicker of familiarity in her eyes, a warmth so profound it could heal even the deepest sorrows. The only thing staring back at me day to day was of a painting, full of life on the exterior but overcome with shallow eyes.

I spent months uneasy in my own isolation. Unsure whether I would regret searching for my love. The splinter of it was embedded in my brain, just deep enough to stick and prickle under my skin.

By this time she had left me, both physically and spiritually. There was no warmth in her tone, no feelings dug deep in her supposed sweet words. She wasn’t able to answer my sought for questions correctly, leading me to inevitable suspicion. She did not recognise me when I tried to find her once more, that’s how I knew she was long gone.

The monster begged for my mercy. Begged I would never find out it had taken the breath of my sweet Lillian and replaced it with its own.

Tonight I would end her suffering.

I peeled back the illusion it had placed. I hoped that underneath every layer, my love was waiting patiently for me. The thought of saving her allowed for blood to come rushing through my veins, coursing its way to my heart that beat only for her.

She fell apart under my watch, too fast and too easily. Red flowers bloomed beneath her, leaving her to be nothing but memories.

She stayed quiet, every strand of her beauty and intensity unraveled beneath my grasp, as if I were slowly pulling a string that led to a tapestry in disrepair.

It was worth removing the mask that had been forged upon her face.

The woman that lies at my feet has stayed the same. I searched through every inch of what they had left behind, but she was no longer there. There was no magic in her blood, no power I could feel from scavenging.

The only thing I have ever loved has been stolen from me. I can only pray a beautiful soul like hers is dancing amongst the stars or colliding into the warmth of sand like the waves washing on the coast.

No emotions could explain the ache of living without her. The pain that seared the blood of someone missing the ones they love. Will life be worth all its worries when she isn’t there to make it better? What’s the point of living if not for the ones you love?

I shall cherish every ounce of soul I can recollect from our memories, our joint conversations under the sky. I will sit next to the blooming hearts of the flowers around me. But no matter how much I try to remember the taste of her name on my tongue, she will always be just out of my reach.

It didn’t take long for my mind to start its search for impossible possibilities. The ones of bringing her back to life, such as the tales of Victor Frankenstein which I silently prayed were closer to reality than we might have thought.

The realisation hit soon that living without her would be more difficult than coming up with a solution to my solitude. It would be like pressing into an open wound, stopping it from ever closing. There’s only one way I can get the closure I need.

Only when thoughts become reality does one feel successful. When the anxiety and grief ends once and for all. Every flower that blooms must eventually give itself back to the earth.

The night’s wind carried whispers of her voice, or the memory of it. It wasn’t about pain anymore, ending this unimaginable weight pressed on my shoulders. It was about quieting the voices inside of my head, unleashing the reunion I dreamed of.

Once the world around me stopped it’s torture, and the voices turned quiet, I let myself be transported to an outside world where we shall meet again. It wasn’t long before I stood in front of her, the same girl I had loved and lost.

Only, the new found expression in her eyes wasn’t of gratitude, but instead filled with utter disgust. She stared back at me, at the smile hurting my cheeks. I had finally found her, yet I could tell by the stiffness in her brows and gulping of her throat that she had not wanted to be retrieved.

She walked closer to me, her body’s aura pulling me towards her like a rope tied around my waist. Although she was not happy, the only thoughts filling me were the ones of our future now in this dark eternity.

I looked around at the night sky that flurried between our souls, slowly pulling us together like a match made in heaven.

Her lips split as her eyes locked with mine. For the first time in my life I have gotten what I wished for. A look that I recognise.

Her voice rang softly in my ears, processing only after she flew off into the stars. “You are the reason I left.”

I hadn’t known until then that words could cut so deeply. Only after life had my mind been forgiven from all the sickness that had taken over. From all the pains I had brought to her, causing her to let go of the idea of me.

I can only hope one day I forgive myself for all the damage I had let into my life, but most importantly for what I allowed it to do to me and to my love.