A Long Talk to God

A Long Talk to God

“Are you there, God? It’s me. Remember how I am always bugging you about something? Remember Jesus how you told the story about the friend who came knocking on the door at midnight? You used this parable to remind us not to give up. You said “Because of their friendship he will get up to give him whatever he needs because of his persistence.” Luke 11:10-13. Well, here I am knocking on Your door again. I need help. No matter how I try to follow your words and “Ask” to find a person who wants to know You like I do, it is not working out.

Help me, Lord! I am tired of being used and lied to and strung along. You know I have been consistent in trying to look for someone to share my life with in a committed relationship. I do not trust myself. Every time I think this could be the “one”, it seems none of them can get past the hormones and sex drive. It’s not as if I do not want to follow through with that, but if I feel this broken from these relationships without coitus, I cannot imagine giving all of my temple to any one of them.

What is so bad about wanting to be married first? You gave us the Commandments. Of course, it is not specific about coveting, but what I have understood all these years- You would not be pleased. There is a reason that it makes sense because ending up with someone that may use sex as an idea of love could be the worst mistake of my life. What if an unexpected pregnancy happened and you have a baby, but not true love. I need to be loved.

Of course I know You love me, and You know when the time is right, so please hear what I am saying. You know I have sinned, and gotten close to making that choice, but I didn’t. I stopped. You even helped stop me. Thank you for showing me the way this far. But the psalm says, “Lord on the day I called for help, you answered me.” I know all these times you said “NO”

Praying and following is frustrating at times. You said, “Ask and you shall receive. . Seek and you shall find.” I’ve asked for help to find the guy who will be kind and go to church with me; the guy who will want to know You and me. You know I have been out seeking, and just finding people who either want to take advantage of my vulnerability or pretend that they are not just after one thing.

It’s so difficult. I want to be loved for my beliefs, and my faith, my intelligence and my abilities to share talents; Someone who will love me with or without make-up. Are you hearing me? When are you going to send him my way? My heart is heavy. I feel like no one in this world cares. I could drop tomorrow or disappear. It would not matter.

Yes, I ask You for safety and health, and I thank You for all the prayers You have answered. Oh, so many! This prayer is for my life. I just do not think I can go on much longer. I want all the special things that make a good man. To me that means he loves animals and children. He is patient even when I am difficult and messy. He will be opened to learning new things and will be a hard worker. In this day and age the only way to be truly able to have a family is hard work. You know God how much I need a family of little ones to watch and hold and grow into beautiful caring people because they were blessed to have the Dad that I asked for for them.

Is this selfish? To want love? To want to be in a wonderful persons strong arms and know that he will want not just physical love but all that goes with intimacy. Talking, sharing getting to know the special unique things that helps grow a relationship. Yes, I want passion too. I want whoever he is to want faith and hope and family. I want him to be cute and sexy and someone who has an amazing smile that I can look at for the rest of my life. Whoever he is, Lord, I need You to intercept and throw us together. I need to know there’s someone I can always turn to, and he will accept me with all my silly quirks and deep insights.

You said a father would not give a scorpion when a child asks for an egg. It says it right here! I have had the scorpions! They sting! They hurt and use falsehoods. They act like I took away their fish. I am tired of these empty men who just talk about a “precious moment.” For me, I believe that You will guide me to the person I can share my faith and life as I go forward.

Waiting is so hard when love is so necessary. Please Lord, I do not want to wait much longer. My heart has been broken along with the ability to trust. Do I know who to trust? I trust You, Lord. It never seems to work when I trust myself. So please intercede. Only You can send me the guy that will want what I want and need. You can send me a person to laugh with and cry on and will still stay when things are not perfect.

People say “You are young.” Yes, twenty-one may seem young to some, but I am ready to spend my life with someone who wants to stay and work together. Maybe I do not have patience anymore. You know I have tried, Lord. Now I am frustrated and irritated with how this world works. No commitments. No strings attached. My heart cannot do that anymore. Can You hear me? Will You open the door of love for me?

Please answer Yes and send him soon. Please.”

This prayer was answered the next evening. Even though it did not occur to me at the time, I met the man who became my husband and has shared ups and downs. Over 40 years later, I thank God every day for this miracle.