Two for One

Maisie drew the curtains as the evening darkened outside and went to put the kettle on. Returning with two cups of tea, she found that, as usual, Joe had fallen asleep and was softly snoring. A magnificently maned lion was tussling with the bloody carcass of an antelope on the television screen. Maisie gently slid the remote from Joe’s slack hand and switched the channel. Unfortunately, she landed on her favorite historical drama just as the heroine, in the throes of passion, let out a shriek of ecstasy. Joe awoke with a start, and looked around, wide-eyed.

“What the heck’s going on? Hey, why’d you change the channel? I was watching that nature show.”

Before Maisie could respond, her phone rang. Resigned, she picked it up and went to the kitchen as Joe returned to the hungry lions.

“Hi, June. What’s up?”

Her expression grew serious as she listened, occasionally murmuring assent.

“Don’t worry. Hold tight. I’ll be there in a few.”

Donning her coat and handbag, she stuck her head into the living room and waved at Joe.

“Got to go out, dear. I’m meeting June for a coffee. I won’t be long.”

“What? Coffee? Now? You can’t be serious. You just made tea,” Joe said, pausing the lions.

“Don’t you remember?” Maisie said. “Coffee is our emergency code word. It means someone has got on June’s last nerve and is in mortal danger. I’m going to talk her down. I’ll tell you more later. Bye!”

She blew him a kiss. As the door closed behind her, Joe retrieved the remote and restarted the program.The lion was licking his paws as the lioness and the cubs tackled the remains of the antelope. Joe shook his head, wondering if the king of the jungle was ever as bewildered by his mate as Joe was by his.

June was already at the coffee shop when Maisie arrived. She was sipping a latte and dabbing her eyes with a tissue. Maisie slid into the booth and sat down opposite, clutching a large decaf coffee. She set down the cup and squeezed June’s hand.

“Spill the beans. You’ll feel better for it.”

June sniffled.

"I'm so sorry to drag you out like this, but I’m about to explode with Bert. He can’t resist a deal, whether it’s something we need or not, especially those BOGO offers in the supermarket.”

“BOGO?” said Maisie.

“Buy one, get one free,” said June.

“Ah, what they used to call a twofer.”

“Exactly. Now my pantry is full of pickled beets, corned beef, frosty flakes cereal and instant coffee, amongst other things. He's had to start filling up shelves in the garage. We don't even like any of that stuff. I smuggle out what I can for the food pantry, but he notices and gets upset. I can’t close the closet in the bathroom for all the paper towels and toilet paper he’s stashed away.”

“Has he always been this way?” Maisie asked.

June shook her head.

“He grew up poor and he’s always been frugal, but it’s getting ridiculous. I can’t convince him that we’re okay financially or to at least buy stuff we like.”

“Has he joined a cult?” said Maisie. “You know, one of those weird groups that store food to be ready for the end times when the apocalypse comes?”

“Goodness, I never thought of that,” June said, frowning. “I don’t think so, but he’s so different these days. How can you be with someone all these years and suddenly feel that you don’t know them at all?”

“I’m probably letting my imagination run away with me,” said Maisie. “There must be a simpler explanation. When did this start?”

June took a deep breath and thought.

“I’d say about six months ago.”

“Wasn’t that when David moved out to go to university?” said Maisie.

“Yes, you’re right. Bert misses him terribly. I do too, but to be honest, I don’t miss all the laundry and that noise he calls music. Don’t get me started on what it was like trying to feed that boy and all his rugby pals every other day. They ate us out of house and home. Of course, Bert doesn’t recall any of that. I thought we might kindle a little romance again now we’ve got the place to ourselves but all he wants to do is read the weekly grocery sales and clip coupons. Also, around that time, we had to put Digger down. She was such a sweet old cat, but she got cancer and the vet said there was no other option. Bert was her person. He took it hard.”

“In my entirely unprofessional opinion, I think he might be depressed,” said Maisie.

“I agree,” said June, staring into her empty coffee cup. “But he won’t hear of going to the doctor, taking up a hobby or going on a trip. I'm at my wits' end."

“What about getting another cat?” said Maisie. “Preferably a kitten who gets into all kinds of mischief and distracts him.”

June sighed.

“I suggested that. We went to the shelter and he was tempted until they told him about the adoption fee. He dug his heels in and shot the idea down. I guilt tripped him as hard as I could, but he tuned me out. It's so frustrating."

“I hear you,” Maisie said. “Nagging never works. I volunteer at the shelter. I'll talk to the manager and see if we can come up with an idea.”

“Would you?” said June, perking up. “I’ll pay the adoption fee on the down low if I must, though we have to make sure he doesn’t find out.”

“Sounds like money laundering to me,” said Maisie, giggling.

"What?" said June, aghast. "I don't want to do anything illegal."

Maisie patted her hand.

"Relax. I was joking. We’ll figure it out. Hang in there, sister. I’d better get back before Joe thinks I’ve run away from home.”

They embraced warmly and parted ways.

Joe looked up as Maisie entered and hung up her coat.

“Is everything okay?”

“Fine, dear. I got there just in time,” said Maisie. “I think Bert will live to see another day. I’m turning in. Are you coming to bed?”

Joe followed her, frowning.

“Something just occurred to me. All those times you suddenly went out to have coffee with June. Was that because you were ready to kill me? Did I get on your nerves that much?” he said as he climbed into bed.

“You’re overthinking, dear. Goodnight. I have an early start at the animal shelter tomorrow.”

Maisie snuggled down and fell asleep almost immediately. Joe lay staring at the ceiling.

The following afternoon, Maisie rushed home after her shift at the shelter. Joe was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper.

“Where’s the fire?” he said, surprised.

“Sorry… got to call June pronto. Hi, June. I’ve figured it out. Take Bert to the shelter and ask to speak to Lucy, the manager. Mention my name. Let me know what happens. Bye!”

She put down the phone and looked around, puzzled.

“Joe? Are you feeling alright? The table’s set and you bought flowers. What’s going on?”

“Don’t overthink it,” he said, smiling. “I reckoned that if you had to go out for coffee all those times, then I owed you something for saving my life.”

Maisie threw her arms around him in a bear hug as they both started laughing.

The next couple of days went by slowly. Finally, Maisie could stand the suspense no longer and called June. She was beaming as she put the phone down.

“Joe, come on. We’re going to see Bert and June. They have a new addition to the family.”

As they arrived, June opened the front door and hastily ushered them inside.

“Come in quick. We don’t want them to escape.”

“Them?” said Maisie as they closed the door and followed her into the sitting room. “Hello, Bert. What have you got there?”

“Hello,” said Bert. “Excuse me for not rising, but they just fell asleep. They're little terrors. Wore themselves out."

He proudly indicated two little kittens curled up in his lap.

“Brother and sister.”

“That’s nice,” said Maisie. “I know you’ll never forget Digger, but these little guys will be a consolation. How come you got two?”

Bert smiled happily, gently petting the kittens.

“We timed it just right. The manager of the shelter said that if we were willing to take both of them, she'd only charge the one adoption fee. Two for the price of one. You know how I love a bargain."

Maisie and June glanced at each other, smothering smiles as Bert cooed over the kittens, oblivious.

Joe looked at Maisie and raised his brows. She smiled back innocently.

"It's a new campaign that the shelter is trying since they're getting overcrowded. BOGO."