I&N part 1

Nolan:

I honestly don’t remember how I met Izzy, maybe it was by chance. Maybe she stopped by the basket ball court and struck up a conversation, or maybe we met in class and bonded over some long forgotten item. Maybe my friends gave me her number or maybe I gave her mine. But it doesn’t really matter how we met and how our friend ship started it only matters on how it ended.

It was winter, a cold December day that didn’t feel like Christmas but like some far off land of bon fire smoke and snow.

“Hurry up!” She shouted her voice echoed in my ears, but I didn’t quicken my pace.

“Why?” I shrugged, my jeans dragging on the wet cement, snagging on the random cracks that decorated the sidewalk. It was cold and I hadn’t feel like doing anything but conserving my body heat.

“Nolaaaan” She’d bemoaned giving me a look. “Just come on.”

I shook my head no and keep up at my slow pace, watching as Izzy sashayed in front of me. Her voice going fainter as she runs even farther away, I could see the shadow of the house looming about three hundred yards away. Izzy was still complaining to me about my slow pace, I knew she didn’t really mind that much but she’s giving me a hard time about it ‘cause well, that’s Izzy. She was loud and cocky and nice and pretty… and completely oblivious to it too. Which sucked, but when your a guy and a pretty girl like that calls you they’re best friend is doesn’t matter if you’re not they’re type or that they only think of you like an older brother, you let that girl have whatever she asks for. So yeah when she asks you to come with her to and old abandoned house because she needs to talk to you about something important you are sure as hell going to tell her yes.

That’s what I did anyways.

Because I loved her.

I hadn’t told her that then. I decided I would soon, but it was my secret hope that she’d brought me out to the house for that exact reason.

I turned into the fence line of the place and saw her staring up at the big ugly mcmansion that everyone on our street called the mcmonster.

“There is it.” She breathed, her mocha colored hair blew in the wind and caught on her mascaraed eyelashes.

“Yep.” I said shoving my hands into my pockets to keep myself from reaching towards her. It was in those moments that I found her her prettiest, when she didn’t realize that anyone was watching her, her guard down, her shoulders relaxed and her hands swing away from her sides at random intervals as she walked.

“So… we gonna go in?” I asked glancing at her for just a second longer than I should’ve . Izzy looked slightly scared for some reason but nodded.

“Yeah okay.”

We broke in through the back door, everybody in our neighborhood knew that the back door doesn’t lock and anyone could break into the mcmonster but nobody really cared. Izzy laughed as we stumbled through the dusty hallways. I remember how the dust careened its way in the air, making our breathe sparkle the house had looked slightly better on the inside than it did from the outside but not by much.

“Wow,” I had said at the same time as Izzy, she gave me a smirk and walked into what once was the living room but in that moment it was just a dusty room with a couch in the middle of it. Izzy plopped herself down on the sofa and motioned for me to follow.

“Sit down, Nolan.”

I loved it when she said my name…

I sat down next to her and she shifted so the her legs stretched across my lap.

“What did you want to talk about with me?” I asked looking her in the eyes as she splayed out comfortably on the couch.

“Oh yea,” She said sitting slightly up, becoming alert. “Okay so this is gonna so super weird and completely random but I needed to be alone with you when I asked you this.”While she said this she was pulling off her jacket and I saw the upper skin of her stomach and a glimpse of a bra before her shirt was pulled away from her sweatshirt and covered up her midriff again. I had to look away to get a hold of myself.

“Okay,” I saaid putting my arms back behind my head so I could rest my head while looking down at her slender body as she looked back at me. “Whats up?”

“How-how do you tell a boy that you like them?” She asked, her were eyes wide and she moved her legs to criss-cross out from under her.

My breath caught in my chest. Is this it?

“Uhm, I don’t know. You just tell them I guess. Why do you ask Iz?” My thoughts were going a mile a minute when she’d said those words. This is it this is the moment this is when she can just say that she likes me back, this is it, this is it-

“Well… I like this guy named Viktor, you know Viktor right? He goes to our school?”

No,

No,

No!

“Viktor?” I asked incredulous.

“Yeah that’s what I said you dork.” She laughed. Her laughter burned my ears.

“Why?” I asked my voice low.

Izzy stopped laughing, realizing that I was serious.

“What do you mean ‘why’”

“Why the fuck Viktor?” I whispered this quietly as a possibly could’ve but the anger in my voice betrayed me.

“Well who else would it be?” She asked confused. I hated her. I hated that girl.

“Who else?” I mocked. “Who else?! Me! That’s who else.”

“What are you talking about Nolan?” The tremor in her voice threw me off, does she seriously not know?

“Oh fuck you.” I’d said standing up.

“No stop that, what is going on with you? Why are you being so angry.” She grabbed my arm and tried to pull me back down on the couch. I can’t be the nice guy anymore. I can’t keep this goddamn secret anymore

“Because I’m in love with you Izzy!” She let go of my arm but I kept talking. “I’ve been in love with you for years. I’ve stayed by you when you needed me and always been your friend and you did the same! We’ve known each other forever and you just run along and crush on Viktor? I know everything about you Izzy. I know that when you tie your shoes you always start with the left foot and whenever you hangout with you’re other friends you don’t eat anything because they tell you that you look fat. I know that every night you pray that you’re house wont burn down because you’re uncle died in a house fire. I know you hate wearing makeup but you think your not pretty without it which isn’t true by the way you’re the pretty no matter what your doing or what your wearing and I hate and love that about you. I know that everyone would kill to be your boyfriend but you’re oblivious to notice. I know that you don’t like smiling with your teeth because you’ve never had braces even though we’ve agreed that you don’t need them. I know you write stories of alternate universes that could exist with you in it that you think are better than your own real life. I know that you like dressing up for a dance or prom but don’t like going out. I know that you rearrange you’re room at night but always put you’re bed in a corner because if not you can’t watch for monster’s and that just isn’t an option to you. I know you’re birthday is exactly a year apart from mine, July 19th 2010. I know-that no matter what you let you’re friends believe- you’ve never been kissed and that you’re scared that your first will be terrible. I know you crave physical touch but ever since Blake its triggering and you can only stand it from certain people.

I know… I know so much about you, Izzy. And- and you don’t even know how much I adore you.”

Izzy just stood there as I said this all.

Solid.

Stone.

Frozen.

Tears welled up in her eyes and she tried to blink them away but more just replace the next ones. And I just stood there, like the major asshole I am and was, waiting for her to say something. Even though I didn’t even know what I would have wanted her to say.

“I- I have to go.” She whispered to me and then gathered her jacket of the sofa and ran out of the house, leaving me there, to let the ghosts laugh at me and my foolishness.

Eventually I went home, the clouds were gray and heavy, rain was coming. I got home and took a shower, ate dinner. Mindless crap like that. Days at school pass without a word from Izzy and I don’t have the balls to reach out and text her first, so I just drown in my silence and heartbreak. But one night, while I was doing homework thinking of how much I just fucked up me and Izzy’s relationship, my phone lights up with a text from her.

Look out the window.

I looked out the window at her request and saw Izzy standing on the other side of the road, the rain all around her thundered like waves on a beach. She locked eyes with me from the window and motioned for me to come outside.

And well, me being me the total asshole who just ruined the only real friendship I’ve ever had with a girl, I went downstairs to head outside.

“Where do you think your going?” Ashley asked me as she sat a pie onto the stove. I roled my eyes, I hadn’t felt like dealing with her that day.

“Outside.” Was my only response before the front door slammed in her face.

The rain was coming down hard when I walked down the steps of my front porch.

“Did you mean all those things you said about me?” Izzy had shouted from across the street, the rain came down harder on top of her, soaking her hair and clothes until they stuck to her face and slender body. “Did you really mean every single word?”

As I stepped more into the rain with her, I almost immediately got drenched myself.

“Of course I did.” I shouted. I was angry, I didn’t really know why, I thought I’d be relieved seeing that she still wants to talk to me but I was just angry I was so so angry.

“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” She screamed at me. Her mascara was running down her face in thick black lines and she ran her fingers along her cheeks to wipe the smears off. “You could’ve fuckin’ told me so many times Nolan.”

She was angry too.

“I know.” I hadn’t screamed this, in fact I barely uttered these words in more than a whisper. So I was pretty surprised when she answered me, her voice also soft against the thunder of rain.

“Then why didn’t you?”

The question took me back for a second. Why? Well there’s so many reasons why the biggest one is obvious: I didn’t wanna ruin our friendship. But I did anyways. I told this to Izzy and she just moaned.

“It wouldn’t have ruined anything Nolan.”

“Yes it would’ve.”

“No it wouldn’t have.”

“Izzy…”

“Nolan…”

“What about Viktor?” I asked, his name I spitted out like its something poisonous and I didn’t ever want it in my mouth .

“I don’t know.” Was her intimidate response .

“You said you like him.”

“Because I thought I’d never have a chance with you and I didn’t wanna sit and whine about it I wanted to get out there and try an move on. So yes, I like Viktor, Nolan I like him a lot and- and he’s asked me out after I left from the mcmonster and I told him yes.”

My heart shattered at these words

“Izzy..” I whispered.

“What?” She asked.

“Please…”

“Please what…?”

“Please don’t lie to me about us if you only like Viktor-”

“I’m not lying to you!” She yelled walking over to me, her wet hair flying in the wind and rain, until she was eye to eye with me. “If- if you had told me you loved me it wouldn’t have chased me away, or made me ghost you, or stop being best friends with you or whatever. I would’ve told you I fucking love you back. I would’ve told you I’ve felt that way for a while now but always assumed you didn’t feel the same. I would’ve told you so much shit Nolan if you only admitted it, y’know in a nice way.”

I look at her closely, her makeups gone from the rain and her blue eyes look more prominent now. Her clothes stick to her figure, she’s wearing a tank top an old sleeping shorts (even tho its freezing outside) and no bra.

She notices me looking down at her chest and crosses her arms and I suddenly feel embarrassed to be caught looking.

“I… was getting ready for bed when I decided I needed to talk to you.”

I don’t say anything.

“Look alright? I-I like you a lot Nolan. Some might even say I love you.” She says to me, Izzy says to me. I’ve been dying to hear those words. And I finally have heard them come from her mouth. “But- but we can’t be anything, its too late. I-I can’t do this Nolan I can’t love you and Viktor and loving Viktor is easier. I’m sorry”

Lighting struck and I wished it would strike down on me so I could’ve died in that moment. But it doesn’t so I just froze. What are you even supposed to say in a moment like that? I guess she didn’t know either because we stood there for a couple of seconds just staring at each other in the rain until finally I really truly didn’t know what to do except turn around, go back into the house, and blast my music until I can forget about Izzy. But before I could do that she kissed me. Its a good kiss, the perfect kiss. Her lips were made for mine and I wish I would have told her that, but I didn’t want to torture either of us with talk like that anymore. So instead I savored the kiss wrapping my arms around her waist and hers go around my neck and her fingers wind themselves in my hair and she pressed her body against mine and I held her as tightly as possible. The rain thundered down around us and time froze as the world went quiet. When we broke apart I didn’t know what to say. I don’t think she did either because all she says to me was: “Goodbye Nolan.” Before running off down the street and disappearing in the glare of all the rain.

I stood there in the rain for a long time, letting my clothes absorb every amount of water possible and waiting until I felt like I was just a solid block of ice. I wish my heart was that cold because maybe I wouldn’t have loved Izzy so much.

Maybe I wouldn’t have loved her at all